I’m just so tired of second-guessing myself

[Snowdrop22]

There are so many things going round in my head, so many different versions of reality that it’s difficult to know which one, if any, are true. I was raised by a n**********c mother who was extremely controlling and used tactics such as gaslighting, emotional manipulation, playing the victim, accusing her partners of being abusive, etc, and so I find it really hard to trust my instincts and to know whether the little voice inside me head is a manifestation of my consciousness, or simply my own insecurities and anxieties playing out – that I’m the one with the problem.

I suppose I need to back-track here for context. I have been with my current partner (we’re not legally married, his choice) for more than (detail removed by Moderator), and we have a young family. He is, or rather, was, everything I always though I wanted in a partner. Tall, dark and handsome, charming, kind, generous, treats me like a princess, spoils me, etc. etc. However, of I’m completely honest with myself, I have always felt like there is something not quite right about our relationship, that even though he claims to love and support me, all the things that make me happy have somehow managed to fall by the wayside, and I find myself having fallen into the position of being a full-time mum and homemaker even as I’m trying (and failing) to establish my own career. It would be so easy to write an essay, to list all of his good qualities, but there are certain things that have never sat right with me, and so I feel like I need an external perspective:

1. There is no financial equality or transparency between us. He earns a lot of money (I assume), and we have a very nice house, nice cars, go on nice holidays etc etc. We have a joint account that he currently pays into (we used to both contribute when I was working, though it was basically my entire salary) that covers household expenses, but it’s almost always running low and I have to ask him to top up so I can buy thing like groceries and clothes for the children. Whenever I have tried to push for financial transparency in the past, it has led to huge arguments. (detail removed by Moderator) I remember him shouting at me so violently that he slammed his hands down on (detail removed by Moderator) and I didn’t bring the topic up again for years. Now that I’m not bringing in any money of my own, he pays me a small “salary” every month, but on the understanding that if the joint account is low I should use this money to top it up. Even though from the outside we look like we’re well-off, day to day I still feel like I’m living like a student, having to calculate if I can afford that cup of coffee or to fill the car up with petrol.

2. Whenever we argue, he will get very angry very quickly and say mean and hurtful things. He’s called me (detail removed by Moderator). etc. He’s also previously said that I am abusive towards him and the children, and that I can be controlling and manipulative (I can be a bit OCD, but I’m not sure that’s the same?)

3. There is no equity or fairness in childcare and household duties. By all measures, he is not the typical useless man, and will do things like take the bins out, unload the dishwasher, tidy the garage, etc, without me having to ask, but whenever I raise the issue that I feel resentful that I’m being made to effectively be a single parent during the week (he’s never home before the kids are in bed) as well as doing all the housework and somehow trying to make time and mental space for my own career, he says that I’m ungrateful and I should count myself lucky because most women would kill to be in my shoes. Whenever I try to explain to him that the children miss him and that it would be nice if he were home early even once or twice a week, then his response is that if he doesn’t work then we can’t live and that I’m selfish for asking because I should be embracing motherhood and not seeing my children as a chore.

4. He says he supports my career, but he has never done anything to make it easier to pursue. The nature of my work means that there are (detail removed by Moderator), but whenever these come up his immediate response is (detail removed by Moderator), and expects me to put measures in place while also making me feel guilty for doing so.

5. He dislikes most of my friends and family and says hurtful nasty things about them that makes me question their motives towards me and be wary of sharing too much with them. (detail removed by Moderator) So no I feel weird about confiding in (detail removed by Moderator) the way I had been doing.

There are many more niggling issues, but I realise that this is already a really long post. Am I over-thinking things? Is he a good man trying to do his best with a different model, or is it something more insidious? Every time I feel like I come close to an answer I start second-guessing myself. I’m just so tired of going round in circles. I can’t keep living like this.

[Stuckinturmoil]

I don’t have much advice sorry @snowdrop22 as I too am in a very similar positionamd constantly second guessing although luckily I do work and have control of my own money. But he earns far more than me and I don’t get to see where it is. He puts a lot money toward bills. (detail removed by moderator) and she is always trying to manage. I can half see why as she spends money like water. I mentioned to my husband if this was financial abuse. And he absolutely hit the roof. I think it was the way things were done years ago. I couldn’t cope with how you are living he is not treating you as an equal. I did have to once as my husband was (detail removed by moderator) so when we moved I would have to give up my job and he would give me a pittance to live off.
There is a good chapter in the Lundy Bancroft book that says how it’s unfair how men treat partners who are doing all the work and staying at home. It struck a chord with me. I work full time and I am still expected to do all the housework because he earns more.

Could you tell him you are going to get a job as you want to feel independent.could you work for a few hours of a weekend when he is home to mind the children? Or look into nursery.
I have just finished a degree i did at weekends as part of my plan of getting out.

I wonder if I am brainwashing myself reading about emotional abuse and turning him into something he isn’t. But as others have said on here people in normal happy marriages do not google emotional abuse. Or post on forums like this.
I would start getting your ducks in a row. Take back some control. Maybe look into nursery for a couple of days and get a part time job. You might be entitled to free hours.

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