I’m not having a good day

[Hiya@]

Hello,
I haven’t posted for a couple of weeks, everything is ok I’m staying away, blocked contact and trying desperately to move on. I recognise I’m in a period of change and transition but I’m feeling very stuck, low in mood and absolutely no motivation to do anything very much, even to leave this bedroom is honestly a struggle.
I know I am luckier than most people, I have a regular income and a family that love me. After months of sofa surfing and spare bedrooms I’m moving to a flat I have rented soon, it’s not great but it’s temporary and most importantly safe.
Do any of you pretend it’s okay when you just feel like s**t ? I lived a long time with my abuser pretending it was okay and saving face but feels like I’m still doing it.
The housing market has slowed so my house is not going to sell any time soon and of course he is still living there holding my belongings hostage.
I could scream and I want to cry I’m sick of being strong and brave and letting people think I’m fine.
I want a life back, not that life but something that feels like living.
Obviously feeling worse than I thought.

[nbumblebee]

Yup. I pretend every single day to him to what friends I have to work even to myself.
I pretend im ok that life isnt that bad when its a total crock of s**t. So yeah i get that bit sweetie but what else can we do?
I use my car my only private place as im still here. I use it to cry to scream to shout some days to sing loud to let it all out. Its still so important to allow yourself to feel all that anger fear etc its ok to still hurt its gonna take a long time to heal. Allow that pain but then you rise up again.
Even though you are out you still need to take those baby steps remove those bricks one by one in your own time when you are ready and yeah some days you will kick arse whilst others you will feel like your arse has been kicked both are ok.
You are doing this and what an amazing job you are doing you give me so much hope for myself one day and others im sure.
We believe in you so time to believe in yourself.
I think once you have that place of your own things will slowly fall into place just keep moving foward sweetie you got this xxxxx

[Hiya@]

Thanks lovely I needed that, I always believed in fake it till you make it, so currently faking I’m ok but inside im anything but. I guess im lonely ? And not feeling super strong. Every single day when I was back in my little town it was a challenge, I have taken a break and come away again because it hurts and I have a good friend who I can cry with, but I don’t want to keep crying.
He was away for most of the time I was back, and although I have keys I have refused to go back into the house while he is still there. It’s so painful.
Don’t get me wrong I am happy to be free, he was awful to me and still playing games whenever he gets the opportunity.
Xxxx

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