i'm out, kids asleep and i feel so mean

[abcxyz]

Dear all,

I’m out. I feel an amazing sense of relief, but feel so bad for what I have left behind.

Youngest child has been singing songs since we left and seems happier than ever, middle child mixed emotions (first words were “well he was upsetting me too as he got quite cross with me”) but lots of tears from the third child, whilst trying to put on a brave face. I have explained that I don’t want them to take sides, that I want them to love their daddy, that he is a good person, but that I have a sore heart from all the cross words. So hard.

.. and meanwhile I keep thinking of my husband, and the horrible news I have left behind. I will read back through all my notes to remember why I wanted to leave … and I know that it is the right thing, but very hard to feel that I have shattered 3 little people’s lives.

I have explained to the children that right now we’re in the storm but in the distance there is a big rainbow … I just need to keep thinking of that rainbow.

Appreciate all your support to get me this far so much. Any words of “you’ll be ok, the world is not going to end” much appreciated! x*x

[Peaceful Pig]

You have done brilliantly and obviously been a calm, loving presence to your children. You haven’t shattered their lives, that’s what their dad would have done if you hadn’t been so brave. You have given them their futures back – in that big rainbow. Amazing! Please take no more responsibility for your ex’s (he’s your ex now!!) behaviour or reactions, they are all consequences he has created for himself xxxx

[lover of no contact]

You have done the right thing. It will get easier. At least the children have you and all they need is one good adult to love them to be ok. If you stayed in contact with him your mental, physical and emotional health would continue to deteriorate and then the children would be without one good parent. Your children will be ok with one parent who is in recovery from abuse. Its impossible to parent whilst leaving with an abuser. Abusers don’t care about their children. It doesn’t bother them to see their children upset, in distress or worried. In fact they like when they are as they get a high from their children’s hurt and a high from our upset at our children’s upset. They like chaos, drama, upset and distress. Your children will be sad and grieve but the peace and the ‘not walking on egg-shells ‘ will be a relief for them.

You are very brave. Stay close to this Forum for support and strength.

Take it one day at a time. Remember ‘This too will pass’. This is the hardest part to set yourself on the road away from abuse. But you did it! You’re on the right path. You got yourself and your children on that path. The longest journey starts with a single step. Just keep moving forward one day at a time (one hour at a time also), don’t look back.

We are all here for you.

[abcxyz]

thank you both so much. You are right, but I just needed to hear it … so many things going round in my head. It did make me laugh when one of them said “ooh perhaps you should get Daddy a little present – like a cookery book” … I think I need to think of the little comments they have made (not that one necessarily) which prove that it is the right move – just the scariest thing I have ever done in my life.

Of all the feelings, the sense of dread has gone, and for that I am very grateful.

I will keep re reading your messages – thank you from the bottom of my heart x*x

[EeyoreNoMore]

Yay, I’m so pleased for you and the new lease of life that you have given both to yourself and those three loves of your life. Such amazing news!

Whilst you may feel that you’ve shattered their lives you absolutely haven’t. Things will be tough but you are giving them a better life, free from abuse and free from having to watch mummy be abused and unhappy. They will benefit hugely in the long term.

Well done, you are very brave 👍🏻💖

[abcxyz]

thank you …. your messages have meant that I can go to bed with a slightly less heavy heart (and no one asking if they I can massage their back … hurrah!!) x

[Robin]

Abcxyz, you’re very brave. I’m full of admiration for you. Your children will thank you when your older. Just keep reminding yourself of what he put you through.

I’m thinking through my next steps (meeting solicitor for so.e info next week – just taking it one step at a time). Your ex sounds a bit like mine, would you mi d sharing if you told him you were going or if you just left? Take care and good luck – enjoy the silence!

[lilaclady]

So brave Abcxyz. You have done the right thing! I am at the stage when I have seen the lawyer and I know I want to leave but I don’t know how or when it’s going to play out. I am so scared of telling him I have a sick feeling in my stomach now. I like you (read some of your previous posts) have been writing everything down to give me a clear picture of his abuse which made me finally seek legal advice and plan to leave. Areading your story here, just gives me hope that it can be done. Stay strong and take care! x*x

[Serenity]

You’ve done the right thing, and dealt with it in such a selfless manner.

I didn’t leave, and that did my kids damage. When I called him up on his treatment the kids, he would do it when I wasn’t there.

I have hated myself for many months for not leaving at the start. You should be so proud. You are very strong.

You say he is a good daddy, but please be aware that the abuse can travel to the kids once the woman has left. Keep your eyes and ears open x*x

[Lisa]

Hi abcxyz,

Well done for leaving, you should be very proud of yourself for taking this huge step. I can tell from your posts that you are a brilliant mum with your children’s best interests at heart.

It takes time to recover from an abusive relationship so be kind to yourself and take all of the support on offer. I wish you and your children the very best for a safe and happy future.

Keep posting to us when you can.

Best wishes,

Lisa

[abcxyz]

Thank you so much …. the words of support on here make such a huge difference x*x

[Author]

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