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(timeframe removed by Moderator) ago my boyfriend requested space as my mental health had been complex and it was causing arguments. I have anxiety, ptsd, OCD. I was made redundant a little while ago from a job I loved and this means that I’m also selling my flat as I can’t afford it and there is a lot of uncertainty in my life and I have no family support as I grew up in care
I agreed about the space and went back to stay at my place. I took the time to self reflect, take accountability and focus on improvement and growth. I didn’t reach out to him.
He initiated contact (timeframe removed by Moderator) ago and expressed he had clarity and he wanted to meet to talk and was looking forward to seeing me and that he would take the time to drop some of my things off too.
I wanted to give him that space for communicating the clarity. He met me at mine which is a (distance removed by Moderator) drive from his and the initial interactions from him was that he had missed me and it’s good to see me and that he thinks I’m pretty etc. I guess I wasn’t sure what his clarity would be so I softened when he communicated like this with me. He asked to hug me a few times and later that day he convinced me into sleeping together (number removed by Moderator). All the way through he was telling me he loved me
Later that day he then communicated, I’m wary of you, we are not just getting back together, this is a process, I don’t want you at mine for some time and he then put certain conditions that I had to meet in order to be accepted.
This felt like an emotional leap back and i wished he had started the day with this communication.
He left later that evening and went back to being cold and distant again. I then felt used and confused more than before. I initiated my own communication by calling him (timeframe removed by Moderator) to work out where I stand after we slept together and it felt confusing and misleading. He then started shouting and reminding me of all the bad things I had done (struggled to get out of bed some days, didn’t always do the washing up, had insecure moments etc). He then used this as the reason he has now had further clarity and that he doesn’t trust me and doesn’t want to be with me I didn’t argue with him. We ended the call and I blocked him everywhere.
This is a man that consistently shamed me and said I was responsible for all my childhood trauma and previous abuse from a partner and he would often hit walls and drive dangerously whilst I was in the car pleading with him to calm down. He screamed at me saying I had ruined his life sometimes and the silent treatment was often but he told me I had made him get to these points because I wasn’t pulling my weight in the relationship and I was struggling a lot
I’ve spent all this time feeling like I was the main failure in this relationship. It was all my responsibility. He blamed his reactions on me.
I just feel sick as I don’t think I fully consented to throwaway sex where I believed it meant something. I don’t know how to feel about what has happened
The worst thing is that my ex did something very similar to me and it broke me and I spent a good year working on that and healing. My recent ex gave me a safe space to confide in him about that trauma and he’s just recreated it. Why? Seriously why?
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The straightforward answer to your question about why he did this to you when he knew absolutely that it would hurt you. Is that he did it to you because he knew it would hurt you.
A more intuiting question to me is what is his endgame? What is he trying to achieve.
Most likely is that he’s trying to get you back, but only on his terms, with you subdued and complying to his list of demands.Second possibility, also quite likely in my eyes, is that he’s realised he’s lost you, because you allowed him this ‘space’ and didn’t run after him, and this is a punishment. Putting the boot in.
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I wish I knew his endgame. I was really open to whatever his decision was and had spent time coming to peace that he may not want a relationship anymore. I feel so ashamed as I wish he had just said what he wanted and then left. I didn’t want to sleep with someone that didn’t want to be with me.
when challenged he just deflected all the bad on to me and my failings and kept on agreeing with me when I said we were over. He said he had thought that all along which makes his behaviour from when he slept with me (number removed by Moderator) even more horrible
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I know it’s easy to say, but try not to feel ashamed. You have nothing to feel ashamed about. You were coerced into believing that his intentions were honest and straightforward, and you behaved like a normal, trusting person would have.
For him to have suddenly changed seems to point to him: either, purposefully intending to deceive you in the first place. Or, believing it himself and then suddenly having a change of mind.The first behaviour suggests quite a nasty, manipulative kind of character. The second behaviour suggests someone who is unable to regulate their own emotions and uses other people to offload onto and blame for everything because they aren’t mature enough to manage their own thoughts and feelings.
Both of these things are really unpleasant behaviours, with not much hope for change.
Either way, here is someone who isn’t bringing much to the table for you, and hasn’t much to offer you, apart from confusion and blame.
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Thank you I’m really trying to stay strong
it’s difficult as he’s surrounded by respect and adoration due to what he does as a career/hobby.
I’ve been talked about badly for months by him so that friends of his wouldn’t invite me places. I see his influence. I have nobody around me. It’s a very lonely place to be.
everyone thinks he is amazing and funny and talented and I just want my body and my peace back
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It can be depressing to see that society does seem to reward traits in people such as greed, selfishness, obsessiveness, lack of empathy, and sometimes even downright psychopathic traits.
Abusive people do quite well in society and often have exactly the traits needed to ‘succeed’.
They are often very charming and fun and have no worries about exploiting people.
Society, and whether or not you’re ‘popular’ certainly isn’t a way to judge whether someone is a decent person or not!
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