I’m so alone

[Incognitohuman]

A friend came to see me (timeframe removed by Moderator) who I haven’t seen in over (timeframe removed by Moderator) due to where I am living. I haven’t stopped crying since she left. She’s going home to spend time with her family and I’m going to be stuck in my flat alone and I don’t know how long it’s going to be until I see another person. I had such an amazing (timeframe removed by Moderator) with her but I partly wish I hadn’t invited her down because of how much it hurts now she’s gone. I tried calling my mum and she wouldn’t talk to me for more than 5 minutes because my dad is around. It’s just kind of hit me how little effort my family make to see me. I can’t drive but my brother does but he’s never been to visit me once and he rarely answers my calls and texts. My mum drives but when she comes to see me she stays for only an hour and she won’t come to see me on weekends. If I call her and my dad is there we can’t talk, if I’m on the phone to her and brother calls her she hangs up to speak to him. She tells me it’s because she doesn’t get to talk to him very often but that’s because he doesn’t make as much of an effort to see her or talk to her as I do. I’ll spend (distance removed by Moderator) on the bus to hers and (distance removed by Moderator) back to see her. I am still really angry that my IDVA bullied me into moving here, but the reality is my family could make more of an effort to see me and they just don’t.

It’s not fair. I feel like I’m being isolated and published when I’m the victim. I wish I’d never told anyone what was happening to me and just continued living with it.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It must be really tough to see the reality of how little support you’re getting from your family when you need them. I can understand how really upsetting that must be.
But, it’s a cliché because it’s true, we can’t choose our families.

Maybe there are some clues in that family set up which might help you to see some places where you were left vulnerable to an abusive man. Your needs not really being important for example? Learning not to expect too much.
I hate to say it, but, even if you were living closer you may not get any more support from them.

It can be a tough moment for all of us to look at some of the members of our family at the end of abusive relationships and see the roots of our problems.

In any case, probably no point dwelling on that. It is really hard to rebuild our lives and find new friends and a new purpose. It is our challenge to do that though. Not to let our abusers ruin our futures as well as our past.
Good luck. Xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Incognitohuman

Thats sounds so hard and sad for you, and certainly not your fault in any way that you are left feeling lonely from their lack of contact.

Many don’t understand how terribly isolating it is to be moved far from your area due to risk from a perpetrator, and you will not be the first to wish they had never left because life after can be so difficult to adjust to, given that you also have to face this period after abuse to dwell on it and try to recover from it.

No matter how you were raised as a child, it doesn’t mean you would be abused. Many who have terrible childhoods go on to have lovely warm and loving relationships and marriages, and equally many of us who had great childhoods and are trusting and believing in people find themselves realising that they are stuck with an abuser. No matter what anyone says, you are the only one who knows how it feels to live as you do now and how you did before. The only thing I can say, is that in order to know if it can feel better, is by learning to live afterwards for a while and becoming used to not being abused.

Many women return for such reasons, and others, and there’s no doubting how difficult it is to try to live after abuse, especially where, such as your situation, you didn’t feel engaged with the process that landed you where you are now. These should only be your decisions and choices, and this is exactly why they need to be your choice, because your the one that has to live with them.

As far as your family life since moving further away, there sounds to be a dynamic going on there too that might not be too healthy. However, it’s possible that she knows she can rely on your efforts to call, stay in touch and visit, whereas she has to chase and grasp at the little contact she has with your brother, hence her differing treatment of you both. It’s very much up to you whether you want it to be different and to change your behaviour so that you have a healthier dynamic with her by managing without all the chasing and waiting to see if she comes to you. If she doesn’t then that’s who she is and for you to decide whether you do anything about that, not that you can change her, but having a chat with her about it perhaps?

Always talk here where you feel it can help, certainly sometimes that could help with not feeling isolated with your current situation.

warmest wishes

ts

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