I’m spiralling

[InhaleExhale]

After years of mental, emotional, physical, coercion, cheating and what I now know is sexual abuse and attacking our older children, I changed the locks. Advised to report to the police but stupidly only gave an account of what lead up to that incident thinking he will stop and leave me alone. (legal detail removed by Moderator). I’ve relocated but he’s manipulating our son to gain info and now accused me of assault and theft giving evidence of secret recordings he’s made after gaslighting and me reacting, one inc him strangling me that he says is me attacking him. Trying for NMO (legal detail removed by Moderator). Advised to give full statement to police but so scared as the smear campaign has already started. Any advice

[EvenSerpentsShine]

If it’s any help at all, my own experience led me to believe that many abusive people will behave as badly and vengefully and nastily as they can no matter what you do.

Trying to be nice, in the hope that they will then respond in the same way, doesn’t really seem to work.
I have tried where possible to be reasonable but have found myself always scared, and on the back foot.

I would advise you to give up on the idea that he will be reasonable, if he has proved to you in the past, by his behaviour, that he is unlikely to be reasonable. Expect in the future what you have seen in the past. In my experience when they think they’ve lost you the gates to their true natures are flung wide open and they will be horrible.

I can’t say it will be the same for you, so stay calm. But speak your truth clearly and document what you’ve been through if you can. Stick to the truth but don’t understate the reality of how bad it’s been. As many examples of maybe quite minor details will help people to get a hold on what has happened.

[InhaleExhale]

Thanks EvenSerpentsShine for your advice.

I’m so angry with myself for allowing him to treat me so badly for so many years, never taking accountability for anything he said or did, no apologies, just laughing after me and name calling has ruined my self esteem and knocked what little confidence I had.

I’m angry that I reacted to some really hurtful, long drawn out incidents and responded to him with the same spiteful words he’d use to me.

Doubting it was abuse, just a bad blip in the relationship, over and over, until my eyes being opened by my own children who I thought I had protected from his actions.

If I couldn’t recognise then and have made such bad decisions, how can I even trust myself? I don’t know if im coming or going , can’t make sense of anything. I know I’m no longer walking on eggshells but he’s still living in my head and I want it to just stop so I can get on with my life.

I’m going to document it all but that’s also the really painful bit as I recognise all I put up with.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I remember the first decade I cried a lot. I reacted as anyone would when they’re continually attacked and insulted and raged at. Then I began to get really sick of myself as this pathetic crying person. I’ve always been quite feisty and I hated who I’d become. I remember making the conscious decision to start yelling back and insulting back. I thought it gave me some power back because I assumed that he would be hurt by the nasty things said as much as I was.
I’m not sure he was.
The problem is that at that time, he could have taken a selective video of me yelling ( by selective I mean missing out the beginning or lead up) and it might have looked like it was me who was the abuser.

Unfortunately, ending up being ‘abusive’ as a form of self defense is almost an inevitable place to end up given enough time.
It’s horrible, and along with being directly blamed by him for everything I could have also started to believe myself that I was the problem.

So I do understand how you feel about this, and about the other things you mention. The self blame for putting up with it for so long. Honestly at some point you have to really believe that you couldn’t have seen this coming. No normal person can see this coming. They’re masters at it and have been perfecting the act all their lives.

By the time they start to be abusive we’re normally already in deep, maybe even pregnant or a  shared house or business or just emotionally trauma bonded.

I know just what you mean about all these feelings. I feel the same. Sometimes it takes me over, but the times when I cope best is when I just accept the decision I’ve made to leave, because I wasn’t happy, and not think about it. Easier said than done sometimes though isn’t it! XX

 

[InhaleExhale]

Thank you for sharing with me, it’s really helpful and appreciated. Leaving was the best thing I did, I know this. I think it’s the realisation that he did actually know what he was doing, it was intentional. The behaviour, gaslighting, name calling and then filming. I read on another post that unintentionally we give them the tools to use against us, everything I’ve said to him, begged him to change is how he claims is me. And with that also comes the NMO paperwork that details everything I’ve said happened. He’s turning it all around despite me not pressing charges or including everything. It makes it feel like recognising abuse doesn’t matter as unless you’re black and blue there’s nothing you can really do about it. And therefore how do you safeguard children from that? My older son is just like him, treats me and his sisters the same. My daughters are both in therapy for it too.

[EvenSerpentsShine]

I agree with you that I think leaving was the best thing we did. And let’s not underestimate how difficult that was. Other people keep telling me how much they respect me for what I’ve done…I didn’t  see it, I didn’t  feel that it was very brave…but I’m starting to listen to them, and accept the compliments and let them build me up and believe what those people say. We should. It IS really brave to walk away from this, knowing the universe of sh*t that they will bring down on our heads.

Im sure it’s true that we give them all the ammunition they need to abuse us, but that’s because we’re normal, and open, and we share things with people we like and love, and that’s not something to be ashamed of. What’s not normal is to take that information and use it to try to destroy someone. That’s really not normal. They are a mess. They are hollow men. They are a minority of the population.

I don’t know how long it could take to recover. I heard a clinical psychologist say that trauma may never leave us, but it doesn’t have to define us. Trauma is the kind of experience that we can easily live with in the background of our lives. We can move forward while holding trauma, it doesn’t go away but it doesn’t stop us functioning either. I’m giving myself a year and seeing how I feel after that.

[Author]

Posts