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I haven’t been on the forum for a year or so I think. I got away from my perpetrator expq husband several years ago. Not the I haven’t been on here as it’s settled, I just haven’t thought to, life is so busy & I don’t mean in a social way or anything!
One of my children is now on the SEND register and we’re awaiting diagnosis. But I’ve heard many times that it looks very similar to domestic abuse.
Anyway, it’s so complicated as we are still in the house where it all happened for years, I still let him message me about the kids. I’m not doing the things that I was told about by WA years ago! So now I’m feeling pressured.
My kids are getting older and need me less, which in a way is good.
Anyway, the reason for me actually putting this message on, is because I feel so angry that I let it go on for so long before I finally got him out.
Years and years of what I realise now was controlling and verbally and emotionally abusive behaviour. More or less as soon as my first child was born. I know he didn’t like that the children needed my attention and he wasn’t the most important anymore.
I don’t know why feel I need to put this on here. I just want others to know how it is.
It starts small, he looks after you, he’s kind and affectionate. For a while… and possessive, and wants s** all the time. The words and mannerism are cruel, cutting, accusing. He’s insecure so he’s always wondering where you are and whi with.
It took ages to get away from him and life is hard in some ways, especially with my kids I feel like I’ll never break away from him. I can’t get him out of my head, is that because I’m weak or living in this house still,? My income is must mother noises ,I can’t describe enough. It’s taken over my life. I’m so terribly anxious and my kids either aren’t doing too well.
I don’t feel like I’ve explained things well. It’s too late in the evening.I just want to know how to get out of it. I want him away from me. But I also wanted to warn younger women to realise what red flags are, and to act on them when they happen or soon after. I was never warned to look out for things and soon enough he 2as controlling and accusing and nasty.
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Hello anotherlife
I hope it helped to release your thoughts and concerns on here, I can certainly relate to how you are feeling, and what you have been and still are going through, as will the other women here I’m sure.
Sending you strength and hope for there to be a way through this for you, and it does take strength and hope in bundles.
As abused women, I’ve noticed that we use words like ‘allowed’, and ‘let’ a lot, even though its someone else thats in control. Its understandable because we fear retaliation, and dire consequences, that we’ve come to know will follow. Please try to not be hard on yourself about that, but yes, angry at him, which is where it belongs. If you fear him, and his consequences of you actions, I hope you feel you can reach out for, and secure, some further support to help you through this bit.
Its good that the words of WA have come back to you, and hopefully that will help you to resist his controls safely.
I found that interesting what you were saying about the affects of domestic abuse on children presenting in a very similar way to SEN children, as this doesn’t surprise me, and I do wonder at what percentage of children are misdiagnosed, instead of confronting the abuser having inflicted such harms on their children. Having said that, any child exhibiting those diagnosed behaviour, regardless of their cause, still needs that additional support, its just that to society its seen as something other than the abuse, and that hides the reality and awareness of it.
Look after you.
warmest wishes
ts
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Don’t be angry at yourself for not leaving earlier, I liken abuse to a dripping tap. You don’t notice the damage the drip has caused until the ceiling caves in, then you curse yourself for not fixing it earlier – when in reality you couldn’t see the full extent at the time. We fell in love and they used that to take advantage.
I still feel highs and lows over a year out, it’s like my brain is replaying and resetting, some days are harder than others and I curse myself when I catch myself slipping into he’s not that bad kind of thinking.
It has definitely helped having a new home, because when I come across an item we owned together all the nervous feelings and stomach knots flood back in, but new places aren’t always possible. I’m sure I’ve read that decorating or changing the furniture round helps, we are often told we can’t have the wallpaper we want or the tv must go here so it can be liberating to claim something back like decorating the walls pink because you know he’d have hated it.
Like TS said the bit about SEN is very interesting. Be good to learn more
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I moved (detail removed by moderator) miles away to escape the increasing abuse. I made the decision to leave (detail removed by moderator) I felt very, very trapped during the lockdowns but selling our house in (detail removed by moderator), made it possible for me to escape for good. I bought my own house (detail removed by moderator) miles away and have the support of my sister who lives close by. I’ve established a new life for myself and I see my grown up children so much more and on the surface life seems good.
However, my mental health is deteriorating rapidly and I’m increasingly anxious and unable to cope with even little hiccups in life. I try to keep as busy as possible but when I go to bed, my mind is tortured by the memories and as much as I’d like to move on, I’m finding it more and more difficult to the point where I am still awake at 2am most mornings.
He recently sent me a (detail removed by moderator) card and gift card, which I think has exacerbated my worsening mental health. I’ve stopped contacting him and I know I need to start official divorce proceedings to get rid of him completely from my life. My fear is that he will make things very difficult for me but it’s essential that I go ahead with it.
(detail removed by moderator)
I’m angry and embarrassed that I didn’t leave him earlier. There is no doubt that he has caused untold pyschological damage to my daughters- constantly jealous of the time I spent with them (detail removed by moderator) I’d go so far as to say he ruined their teenage years, and Christmas was the unhappiest time for us all. Now they don’t want to have any contact from him.It’s only now that I’ve been away from him for (detail removed by moderator) I feel so guilty that, by staying with him, I caused them to suffer.
Last week, I spoke to my GP for the very first time about my situation and how low I feel and he has given me some organisations to contact for counselling/therapy.
(detail removed by moderator) it would have made me realise that he was never going to change and I was better off to cut my losses and leave.
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