I’m still scared.

[AlwaysSorry]

Hello,

I found this forum and thought I should give writing about what I’ve been through a try. Like the title says, I’m still scared. But I want to go from a victim to being a survivor, and I’m told telling my story, reading others’ and hearing input on mine will help me come to terms with it and heal.

Maybe you can already tell that I struggle, for years I was told what to do, say, think, sometimes even what to wear, so this is breaking the rules that I even now after some time away from my ex feel I need to adhere to.

I read the statistic that a woman will on average experience 35 assaults before reporting their partner/leaving their partner. I can attest to that. I lost count but I’ve been strangled, slapped, smothered, pushed, choked, shaken, kicked, headbutted, had stitches from cuts, had my clothes ripped off me. And he would always blame it on me. I believed it.

It’s hard to argue against him. If I raised my voice back at him, then indeed I had raised my voice which was not a nice thing to do – he would say that I had escalated it. If I had been upset because he told me to imagine him having sex with other women, then indeed I had cried and become jealous which was not a nice thing to do – he would say I should trust him. If he had shouted the c-word in my ear for minutes at a time without me reacting and staying silent, indeed I had ignored him which was not a nice thing to do – he would say I should respond when spoken to. The list goes on. In fact, I think the emotional abuse left the deepest scars. The bruises disappeared after all.

I wasn’t perfect, I’ve never been, so there was always something he could blame it on. And I came to learn that unless I behaved exactly as he wanted me to – which often changed at the spur of the moment, I could never keep up – there would be punishments. He would use things he knew I wanted in life to say that I would have to prove I could be good for an undefined amount of time to get this or that as a reward. If I called him out on this conditioning-of-an-animal-type of comment, the one time I did I was spat at and bitten.

The assaults – because the smallest of disagreement would always end in some kind of assault, even if “just” a few seconds of being strangled – would always end with me saying sorry. And I had to sound sincere as otherwise they would not end. So there’s my forum-name. AlwaysSorry. But at least that got me the “I love you” from him that I wholly admit I craved and needed. His actions might have said otherwise, but those 3 words made something inside me go “at least he loves me even if no one else can, he does love me”. So I continued covering up bruises and made up lies every time he was close to being found out by medical staff or the police.

I tried so hard to be what he wanted that I don’t know who I am now. I learned from him that I cannot be loved because people cannot see past the long list of flaws I have. So when I look in the mirror, which I try not to do, the flaws and scars are what I see.

I reported it the first time when it ended with stiches. Before then assaults had been restricted to pushing/spitting. He promised change and argued it was an accident. It wasn’t. But he promised, so I withdrew support for police action.

For some months after that there wasn’t any physical abuse but plenty of emotional abuse, pushing boundaries and the conditioning of me having to act certain ways. And I became afraid of what he would do. He made it very clear that if I were to report him, it would be me going to prison, not him. I believed him.

The topic of suicide also started where he would either tell me to kill myself or say that he would kill himself and make sure the police knew I had pushed him to do so, so that it would be my fault and I would go to prison for his suicide. I loved him. I didn’t want him to die. So of course I begged for him not to. But he said that was also illegal because it was the same as keeping him in the place we lived in and not letting him leave to kill himself. Again, I believed I would be in trouble with the law for this.

And then the violence came back. He would often hit himself, too. Sometimes, he would grab my wrists and hit himself with my hands. I was not strong enough to resist this. And then it was hard to argue against his logic that I had hit him.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I believed him when he said I was the abuser. I am so scared of it being true.

Some time ago, he strangled me again. I had broken a rule and asked a question about our relationship. I wasn’t allowed to do that. Anything to do with his friends, his phone or our relationship was not something I was allowed to ask questions about. I think I knew it was coming, but I just had to ask anyway. I just wanted to know if he wanted to be with me. He got a knife out. And a part of me realised that this would either end with him persuading me to kill myself or him killing me. The only way his abuse would remain secret, would be if I never told. And a dead person never tells.

I don’t know how to this day, but I managed to get a hold of the phone. I dialed a number of times, I am not sure how many to this day either, because he tried to get that phone away from me. But one call went through and he fled. I reported him. Then I spent the next many weeks trying to think how I could get him out of this one, how I could make this all go away so that he wouldn’t be hurt by me reporting him, how I could make the bail condition that he not speak with me reversed. Essentially putting his needs above all else and forgetting myself as always, just as he taught me.

But somehow even though it was hinted by a third party that the only way he could forgive me and stay in a relationship with me because he loved me so much would be if this all went away. Which meant… retracting my statement. I didn’t retract. So then, the relationship was ended via third party.

The place we lived in was in his name, so eventually he kicked me out via a third party. I became homeless. Even if I could prove that I for years had paid half, the place was in his name only so there was nothing that could help me there. I am on indefinite sick leave because of the abuse, so I lost my job as well.

I wasn’t allowed to talk about him to anyone unless I praised him, and while he would say I was allowed to go out, if I did there would be trouble or constant messages, so I don’t really have friends. Of course, he would often turn that around and say that I was trying to prevent him from having friends. If I asked if we could go out one night for dinner and a movie, it would somehow be twisted into me supposedly not allowing him to have friends. The same would be true if I asked if I could come along when he would go out with his friends. I wasn’t allowed. So I stayed home alone.

When he went on trips abroad with the women he had told me to imagine him doing various sexual things with, I was not allowed to come. And I certainly wasn’t allowed to say I didn’t want him to go. Nor was I allowed to ask “why be with me if you want the single life?”. He told me that was me trying to control him which is illegal. So I stayed home alone.

(Detail removed by moderator)

As I wrote earlier, I am not perfect. When he made rules, I sometimes would say they should apply to him too, something I am not proud of, and I am scared that will be used (detail removed by moderator). He was very cunning never putting his rules in writing, so unfortunately it is a he-said-she-said situation. And I am scared I won’t be believed. And I am scared of what he will do to punish me for breaking the ultimate rule by reporting him.

I feel very low. After all he did to me, I couldn’t even leave the relationship or the home by my own choice. As always, he was the one to make the decisions. I am scared what that says about me – to love my abuser. Mostly, I think I am scared that he is right. That it was my fault and he was the victim and no one will believe my account.

He brainwashed me so much that I can’t even say “this was where enough was enough”. Because I couldn’t leave, I couldn’t see this wasn’t love. And I am still struggling with it now.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello AS,
Noticed you posted early this morning.

I am feeling for you in what you have experienced. Horrible, abusive behaviour from a person that no human being should ever be subjected to. It is not your fault.

You have done a great number of very brave things. Circumstances have led to your having to make a start on your own. When I was in refuge and my ex initiated divorce, my case worker said ‘he has done you a favour’. I wasn’t fond of her for saying that, but later I kind of saw there was a strange truth in it, because the state I was in at the time, not sure if I would have started it myself, but maybe would have always waited until I felt ‘strong’ enough.

I now kind of know the strength in feeling hurt and vulnerable. I wonder if you can start to see that now?

It is completely understandable that you feel these things, and it is the first step to healing.

Already you have come such a long way. I will keep this post short, and send it off just in case you are looking at computer waiting for a response to your brave thread that you have started.

thinking of you
in solidarity
ftc
x

[diymum@1]

hi there, this post has really touched me, what strikes me is your bravery, my hat is off to you tbh. my goodness he has really made you suffer in all senses of the word i would say to the extreme. you obviously love with devotion and that is admirable – you werent to know this man was going to abuse you to this degree. he has indeed used all the abuser tools in the box. my ex did too – imagining him with other women, degrading behaviour -his treatment off you has been so cruel.

you 100% did nothing to deserve this- it may take lots of time,support and counselling but this feeling will come – dont carry the blame for his wrong doing because then he wont have to xx sending you hugs love diymum xx

[Fudgecake]

Hello AS,
I read your post with great sadness. I’m sorry that you had this traumatic and humiliating experience with someone you clearly loved. Don’t ever feel guilty for your actions in this, you loved him and when we love we want what is best for our partners often at our own expense. In a normal relationship that would be reciprocated and a true equal partnership is formed where you both look out for each other. You were deceived from the start. You acted in good faith, what else are we to do? If you had any idea that he would be like that you would never have entered the relationship. Of course the extreme behaviour is not seen initially only subtle hints as to what lays ahead. By the time it really starts is when we’ve been isolated and boxed in. Then you feel trapped – it’s not easy leaving any relationship let alone one where you’ve been brainwashed and conditioned to think only of him 24 hours a day. You will feel scared and often panicky in the aftermath. What happened to you was scary and the fact you are here posting shows that you are a survivor. Don’t be hard on yourself you have nothing to feel bad about. Loving someone isn’t a bad thing – it’s a wonderful thing. But…you can’t control what that person does to you, only look at the actions not the words that come out of their mouth. You can only control your own actions.
You will learn from this and heal but that will take time. Take each day as it comes and keep posting here. It’s a wonderful place to come and know that here people truly understand.
Stay safe x

[AlwaysSorry]

Thank you everyone for your kind words and encouragement.

FTC – I completely get what you mean with what your case worker told you. Mine told me that the messages of “I love you” from him were only to keep me from reporting him and that I could be free of him now. The police did me a favour in giving him bail conditions not to speak to me, I can see that now, but at the time this was devastating for me. It’s hard to explain, but it felt like a punishment, one that he would often use (the silent treatment), but now the punishment was on both of us I thought. In hindsight, if that condition had not been applied, I would have been manipulated into retracting my statement just as a third party tried to get me to do. Unfortunately for him, he chose a third party that has also been cruel to me in very similar ways though never physical, but as I do not love this third party, I could not be swayed. And yes, I see the wisdom in both the case worker’s words and the police’s actions now. How horrible it must be for them as well to deal with victims who really do not know what is best for themselves. It sounds like you are in a better place now than you were when the case worker said that. I’m fortunate to not have been married to my ex – in fact marriage was one of those carrots I had to earn by at least years and years of good behaviour. A month never went by without incident, so marriage was really never something he would ever give me. And for that, I am starting to feel grateful. I can’t even begin to imagine what it must be like to go through the legal motions of a divorce on top of leaving an abuser. I hope you got through it as well as can be expected? It sounds like you have gained perspective on what you went through.

Diymum – what is it with other women? Why do they have to add insult to injury? I’m so sorry you had to listen to similar stories. They hurt even if untrue. Or maybe your ex did like mine and would never really say if he had actually been with these women or not. Those were questions that I also was not allowed to ask. So to this day I don’t know if he was just telling me to imagine these things because he knew it would hurt me or if he actually did these things. I’m starting to realise it doesn’t matter if the stories were true or not – at least on good days.

Fudgecake – it helps to read how you describe actions and how we are only accountable for our own. It’s hard to make myself realise that everytime he hurt me, he chose to do so, but I’m working on it. Looking back, I see the small signs at the beginning of our relationship, but they were so minor and there would always be a follow-up explanation of them from him, until yes, I was isolated. The fact it was all being slowly built up at the start of our relationship is also making me start to realise that he was always in control of his actions, he knew exactly how to get me roped in, isolated and then too fearful of what might happen. But I also wanted to help him, get him help to get better, but how do you help someone who won’t admit they have a problem? The fault was always mine, and I guess it was much easier for him to blame it on me than to admit what he was doing was abuse.

Thank you again for your kind words. It was a very scary experience to click “Submit” on my post, but your responses have made that feeling go away.

[she-ra]

Well done my lovely for being so brave and posting. Reading your story there are some aspects that really resonate with me, as I’m sure it does with lots of others too. I am very recently free and am writing everything down from the beginning, what I can remember and when I feel strong enough. It’s like a letter, but also so I don’t ever forget. I completely agree that sharing your story helps and reading others stories really helps too. We are not alone, and the ladies on here really and truly understand what you’ve been through. Speaking as someone who loved their abuser wholeheartedly and would have done anything for him. It has taken me a really long time to leave, but I now know the boy I love doesn’t exist, he never did. He showed his face for a few months, just long enough to have me hooked and then I’ve spent decades living with the monster he really is. You are not alone in your feelings. Take care xxxxx

[Iwantmeback]

Hi there I just wanted to add my support for you too. I would have replied sooner, I usually do, but things have happened that made replying in a compassionate way so difficult. Aye, pushing submit, it really does take courage to do that. I remember thinking everyone is going to know who i am, daft i know, it’s an anonymous site but that thought did go through my head. I will try and speak to you in a more helpful way soon,, just know even though you might not get many relies we all read and think of each other and send prayers that we are all safe and get out eventually. All I can say for now, is you didn’t cause this, he chose to abuse you, nothing you could have said or done would ever stop him, he’d only have changed tactics, like everyday the goalposts and rules changed.
Welcome to the forum and keep posting, this is truly a lifeline for us all.
IWMB 💕💕

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