I’m struggling again

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Please help

[Anabela]

I am just writing to give some support… I am so sorry to hear that…. Sending you lots of hugs!!!!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thanks Anabela.

I find myself not talking to anyone how I feel anymore. I don’t call the helpline very rarely do and stopped calling Samaritans. I find it hard to talk to my family about abuse because they don’t understand it and I don’t want to talk about this with my friends I know what it’s like to keep going over the same stuff.

I find that now the divorce has come through I’m trying to find something else to focus on. I went to see a flat to buy yesterday and it wasn’t a good idea. I came back feeling anxious and worried because I felt like I did whilst I was in that house with him. Trapped, isolated. I cancelled the second viewing I had booked for the day and just said I didn’t think the time was right for me. I see my sister getting married in a few months, my other sibling is having another baby my cousin had a baby recently and I feel like I don’t know what’s going on with my life! I know I wouldn’t have been alive in a few years time so I put so much pressure to live and not to exist because that’s what I did with him. I think I’m going to have a break from looking at properties because it’s stressing me out.

I also deactivated my account from a dating site yesterday. There’s a guy on there who shows all the red flags! He wants me to visit him, he wants me to chase him, he says I make no effort and I should be the one phoning him! When I suggested meeting half way he didn’t want to and it was all on his terms. There’s something not right about this guy he has something to hide I can just see it. He always talks about all the sex he gets and it puts me off. I’ve decided to block him and not talk to him because I’m not having anyone disrespect me or manipulate me into doing things for their gain ever again! I can see the warning signs, I can recognise them and I knew I had to get out before I got any deeper this guy is unhinged and cannot be trusted and could be another abuser.

It’s my sisters engagement coming up really soon. I am absolutely petrified and not looking forward to it. I went to the first wedding a few weeks ago and it was tough. I see her happy ending right in front of me the questions will start about me getting married again and I struggle with being in such large groups of people. I don’t like the attention on me and it will be as I’m the one who makes everyone laugh, I’m the one who creates a good atmosphere and I’m her only sister. Help! I can’t wait until her frigging wedding is over I’m done with the M word and then I can truly focus on myself!

A guy I’m seeing now and again. I had to leave this on a positive. This guy is helping me so much I can’t tell you. He helped me delete (detail removed by Moderator) lol I told him about him and he said if I can’t block him he will but I said it’s something I need to do and I did it in front of him. He gave me a guys perspective and agreed with me when I said if a man is interested he will pursue a woman and he said this guy sounds quite dangerous. This guy supports me I told him about the flat and he said would having a lodger help. I didn’t even think of that! He doesn’t push me to see or talk to him, sometimes I say no I don’t want to see him then I do then I cancel and he’s patient. It took a long time for me to meet him he says I’ve come so far in the short space of time since I’ve known him and he makes me feel safe, cared about, supported. He is exactly what I need right now and he gives the best cuddles! I’m starting to remember and feel what a healthy relationship looks like and this is it! X

[KIP.]

Hey there. It’s been such a short space of time since your abuse ended. It can take years to recover from abuse. Do not take on anything that will add to your stress levels. This includes new relationships. You really need quite some time to find the old you. The confident, happy, independent you. That takes time and investing in yourself. Recovery is a rollercoaster. I know at times we get rush of euphoria and feel like we can take on the world. It’s just part of the rollercoaster ride. Wait until you have longer spells of stability. Perhaps you could go to these events for short spells. Making your excuses and leaving early. If you go knowing you have an excuse planned it may take the pressure off and you might enjoy yourself. You’re still very much in the recovery phase. I remember it. Give yourself time. Time really is a great healer x

[SunshineRainflower]

Hi Positiveandlookingahead,

It was good to read your post because I am in a very similar place to you and it’s made me feel less alone. I also don’t feel comfortable keeping bringing the abuse up with friends as I can tell they are starting to think that I need to move on from it all (because they haven’t experienced abuse before to don’t understand the ptsd, trauma bonds etc and just think it’s like a normal breakup). I am not speaking to my parents anymore so don’t have that outlet either.

I also feel exactly the same about people around me getting married, having children etc. I feel like an overgrown teenager! I was so so hopeful when I met my ex that maybe it could work out with him, I thought I’d finally met a great guy and had a chance of a partner, marriage, children although for some reason I feel so silly writing that now, I think because he wrecked my self esteem I have a voice that says ‘what makes you think anyone would want that with you.’

I haven’t been to people’s weddings or engagements or hen dos for years because I’ve suffered terrible anxiety and panic attacks and also felt suicidally depressed about my life and it was so painful seeing everyone else progress. I was happy they were happy, but couldn’t (and still struggle with) understanding why my life has not made similar positive progress since leaving education.

I think you did the right thing blocking the dating site guy, well done for noticing the red flags. A man who wants you to visit him, rather than arranging a proper date, and who talks about sex whilst you’re still on the dating site sounds dangerous. I have been on dating sites too and would block anyone who mentioned sex, it’s not what you should be talking about on early dates!! It should be a fun and respectful time getting to know eachother, plenty of time to talk about and have sex with them once you know you can trust them and are in a relationship with them.

As Kip said, I would be cautious about getting involved with anyone while you are still picking through the rubble of abuse. Keep the focus on yourself and your recovery.

Also well done on going with your gut about the flats, if your anxiety is triggered like that then it probably means you’re not ready.

Just wanted to respond as I feel in a very similar place! We will get there!

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hey both thank you for your messages. I’ll reply properly later as I just need to sleep right now. @sunshineraimflower private message me and we can arrange to meet up 😊. I feel like I need face to face contact with those who are going through the same things as me! X

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Hi Sunshine and KIP. I had a shopping trip planned out of town today. I got ready and then just decided I couldn’t go. I’m drained, tired and cried so much yesterday I felt like I needed some time to rest and that’s all I’ve been doing.

Unfortunately I can’t make my excuses because I’m the only sister of the bride so my involvement in every stage of the wedding is going to be a lot. I wish I could hide somewhere in a corner but I can’t. I had family come round yesterday who wanted to discuss the engagement and we talked about me and my situation. I couldn’t talk to my parents before and spent minimal time with them but these family members helped me to tell them how I feel. They can see how difficult I find it at home and how I just need my space – their daughter too has been in an abusive relationship has a son with her husband and has moved back to her parents after decades of not living with them so they totally understand. I feel like a failure for having to move back and they helped me realise I’m not and I’m really strong to be where I am.

KIP you are totally right I am still very fragile it’s really early on and I’m picking up the pieces. I feel very high as though I’m at the top of a mountain some days and then I just crash! That’s when I can’t seem to get back up again. I feel like my head is a lot lighter since I got off that dating site it was the best decision I made. I’m trying to book more weekends away to have things to look forward to and I’m allowing myself to rest on the weekends. I work tremendously hard at work because that’s my future and when it comes to weekends I’m just shattered because holding down a full time job is so hard when you feel like this. The guy who I have seen is younger than me, we went to the same school so I sort of know of him. He knows what the score is, he knows I don’t want anything serious just someone to see now and again and he’s done absolutely nothing wrong I feel wrong for cutting him out.

Sunshine I’m going to start the freedom programme online today and I think that if you could do it it will be beneficial for you. It’s difficult to talk to family and friends because they don’t understand the complexity of it but keep posting on here it helps. I stopped and I think it’s affecting my recovery. Just allow yourself to sleep, rest, relax take time out. That’s what I’m doing again I’ve been meaning to see a film for ages no one can make it with me so I might just go myself. I’m going to try and fall in love with myself all over again. I’m happy to meet up with you if you would feel comfortable with that because I think we are at very similar stages in our recovery. Feel free to private message me if you’re up for that. X*x

[Eve1]

I feel for you. It truly is a rollercoaster and you should definitely be kind to yourself. I think it’s such a hard thing to deal with that we often have no one to really understand what we went through. Our family and friends often don’t. You will come back up again. I can honestly say that realising, from the ladies who post on here, that there is no time limit on healing helps me a lot.

Hugs
xx

[SunshineRainflower]

Thanks Positive, I will send you a message.

And funnily enough I have just been to see a film by myself today and I loved it, felt very empowering and a lovely thing to do for myself because often I feel sad at weekends and struggle to know what to do. I am going to add solo cinema trips into my self care tool kit now. 🙂

[Positiveandlookingahead]

Thanks Eve it sure is! I’m going to book myself a body massage once I’ve got through her engagement. I have a voucher to use for my birthday so it’s going to be feel even better cos it’s free 😊. I also made a shopping list and I’m going try and cook three times this week. I haven’t really cooked since I’ve come back to live with my parents so it’s an archivement for me.

I love cooking but since I married him I’ve completely given up on it. They’re all baby steps and this is healthy nutritious food I’m cooking all new recipes I find cooking relaxes me. My friend is also going through a tough time with her ex husband so I might suggest seeing her and staying over one night next weekend if she doesn’t have the kids. I know how difficult it is and focusing on those you care about can help you move away from how you feel gives you a break from it all.

I can’t see a time limit on this I just feel like I have to put one step in front of the other. There is a place in this country where I really feel like I escape from everything. I’ve found a really cheap apartment and train tickets and I’ve emailed it to my friend and if she thinks it’s a good deal I’m just going to book it. It’s a place where I don’t feel judged a place I can get away. I just have to keep doing what helps me to escape it. I still feel pretty awful, confused, deflated, heartbroken, like every part of my body aches, anxious, sick, nervous, uncertain, unhopeful x

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