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I grew up in a broken family with a mother whose love I never questioned and to whom I was loyal to a fault until my early twenties when I cautiously started talking to a select few about my strange childhood. A childhood where we lived a secret life behind closed doors – a childhood filled with joy, fear and strangeness. My mother re-married after my parents divorced, moved to (detail removed by Moderator) with her (number removed by Moderator) kids with this exciting and larger than life sort of man whom most people were drawn to like flies to… well you know what. I loved him. He was the greatest step father – a fantastic sportsman, great singer, painter, writer and an idealist with a great heart for minorities. He had joie de vivre and as a sporty and an idealist child I really enjoyed his company. Yet, in the midst of all this he was also bi-polar, a cheater, a liar, an abuser, a drug user, a manipulator and a false prophet leading us all into a world of angels, hallelujahs, kumbaya, satan, the end of the world, poor finances, camping out in the woods, not much food and more. My mother who comes from a respectable family said NOTHING to anyone in her family for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years and neither did I. What happened behind closed doors stayed there. Anyhow, come (timeframe removed by Moderator) years or so, she did end up divorcing him.
I’m a fighter. Got my degrees and am quite successful in my worklife and have not lacked male attention. I’ve mostly had fairly good relationships, but I have always had one foot out, not ready to commit. I did however have one pretty bad relationship in my (age removed by Moderator) that I eventually managed to leave after trying to break free for years and it was after that relationship I got married. While having been single for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years before getting married, I still had the ex having it out for me which sped up the process of getting married which happened within (timeframe removed by Moderator) months. So here I am, seeing my mother’s traits in me.
Besides his good looks, dynamic personality and love for me, our faith joined us. Our wedding was beautiful, but already after the ceremony I would come to see his sensitive nature that would later come to create so much pain and sorrow. I was confused for so many years – I didn’t know who this person was. This person who demanded intimacy at least daily for the first couple of years regardless of if we were having an ongoing conflict or not and who would treat me with silence for days when dissatisfied with me. Who quickly would try to isolate and dissect my relationships with my siblings, relatives, friends and bosses. The first couple of years are like in a daze. I have always written a diary, but I made a conscious decision not to because I did not want to hold anything against him. All I wanted was to love him. I wanted to love and be a good wife to this sensitive man who saw and heard rejection in the smallest of things. My tone of voice, holding his hand a little too loose, having a different political or any kind of different opinion even if only about the weather, asking for his train of thought on theological statements which I didn’t understand, squinting when listening intently, perceiving a towel to be dry when he thought it was damp, how to load the dish washer, that I didn’t take his advice on sleeping on the stomach, that I tried starting an open fire after he failed or that I wasn’t into matching outfits. Yet, in the middle of all this, he would flatter me in front of other people and directly to me, laugh with me, dance and sing with me on a friday night, be playful, listen to my day, read with me. And he was and is always up for a hug, kiss, cuddle or massaging me without complaints as well as being generous with acts of service. He has never rejected me as for physical touch which of course has made me feel safe in that aspect. But his yelling at me, slamming doors, hitting the wall next to me, holding me down, using all the flattery against me as personal jabs, talking over me, consciously and consistently interrupting me, arguing with and at me all night and for several days, giving me the silent treatment for days, mocking me when crying and telling me I’m a bad Christian wife who does not listen to her husband and who goes against God’s will as for my wifely duties, scaring me with his dark eyes (twice) and when I said that he will be held responsible to God for what he says to me, he’d become even more angry asking how I dare summon God and how he rejects both me and God and of course that he wants to divorce me but can’t since he’s a Christian, has made me feel anything but safe. I lived a yoyo life every few days for (timeframe removed by Moderator) years until I said stop when he once again said he lived such miserable life and wanted to divorce me. Not believing in divorce for any other reason than infidelity, I wanted a separation which we had although under the same roof as he didn’t want to live separately.
Fast forward. (timeframe removed by Moderator) years have passed and I decided I was going to give us another go after (timeframe removed by Moderator) separation. Problem is that my trust has been so affected that the road back is so long. Maybe too long. I have bent over backwards before – I created a sex schedule in the past in order to make him less anxious and to avoid conflicts which of course didn’t work. We’ve gone to counselling many a times on my initiative, but his motives have been to let me understand, through counselling, that the issues in our marriage lies with me. Anyhow, when we’ve had a stable period for a while, I tend to gravitate back to my husband but whenever I try getting closer to him but fail to go all the way, it triggers his rejection and in a second we’re back to the silent treatment and him blaming me for his lack of confidence. He accuses me of wearing the pants, that I put myself above him and that he is my pawn whom I, as high almighty, talk down to. When I respond, he says the conversation is over, he interrupts me and cuts me off saying I manipulate him and that I’m the reason he has poor memory and can’t find words and then he leaves the house to go for his long walks only to come back and not look or talk to me until I address him a day or two later. He says he wants and needs sex and any other attempts of intimacy than intercourse triggers him instead of pleases him. From my perspective, I’m trying to rebuild trust and true intimacy that eventually will lead to exactly what he and hopefully I want. Our conflicts are less aggressive and less often as before, but I still get affected by the silent treatment, his silent temper tantrum when I ask him to tidy up, by all the things he says to me about how bad I make him feel, how he feels like less of a man with me, how his health deteriorates and that I’m the one doing this to him and that our conflicts are normal. All of this is only pushing me away and in my head, I don’t want this anymore. I stay up night after night with my head spinning and it’s affecting my health in every way. I do believe he has broken his vow to love me and while I want to and do forgive, I can’t seem to let go of all the stuff he has subjected me to because his behaviour and words keep popping up even if it’s not every other day as before. I find myself fantasizing about being single and in theory I’m willing to file for a divorce in order to save my sanity. I do believe life is hard for him and I feel sorry for him and I worry for him. He has gotten more forgetful lately and (timeframe removed by Moderator) ago or so, he threatened to kill himself if I left him. He wouldn’t, but the mere fact that he says so still leaves me with a slight doubt. What if he does? Will he manage without me? I’m the one making the money. What if he slips down into a deep deppression and doesn’t come out of it? Also, in the midst of all the brokeness – he has good traits and we can have many good days together. He is not a cheater and it feels comfortable to be around him when we’re at peace. I enjoy his company and like to hang out with him, but because the pattern still exists I never make it up the hill – I just keep getting pushed back and I don’t have the stamina to climb back up anymore. Also, I’m changing for the worse as I hear my montonous tone, my lack of patience and trust as well as the lack of warmth. Yet I can’t seem to act on my thoughts to leave. I keep waiting for something extreme to happen so that I can leave, but as he is sensing my thoughts he’s quite agreable at the moment. I feel so entangled. Trauma bonded I suspect. I do, however, understand that the issue lies with me and that I’m the one who has to do the work. I just don’t know how to muster up the strength to leave and I don’t know how to muster up the strength to stay.
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Typed you a long reply and it got timed out and the whole thing disappeared, I haven’t got the heart to start it all again. So sorry.
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That is the worst – few things are as frustrating as that & I get not wanting to write again. Seeing my lengthy text, I’m surprised I wasn’t chucked out. 😊 Thanks for letting me know though.
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I know your account has gone inactive (hope you are ok?) but I’ll just write this maybe you’ll read it. Try and keep it short.
Your post was a most beautiful and eloquent description of how it feels to be in an abusive relationship. Thankyou for that,
They do have many facets though, and the highs are often very high aren’t they? The intensity makes for a passionate affair.
You express how subtle these things can be, but when I read your post it’s very clear why they behave like this. He’s getting everything on his terms, how he wants it and when he wants it and keeping you ( I mean us when I say this because I’ve been there too!) running around worrying about better meeting his needs.
The dark eyes are a moment when the mask slips and we see what they really are. Unempathic, empty, totally destructive.
I hope you can escape. He probably won’t harm himself. Statistically it’s more likely that you will I think, if you are in an abusive relationship.His problems and sensitivity and upset are probably just manipulation. Sorry to hear myself saying this. They prey on kind, conscientious people.
X*x
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