I’m such a waste of space

[Scapegoat]

I don’t even know where to start or why I’m doing this as I know I won’t do anything about the marriage I’m in. I’ve been with my husband for almost (detail removed by moderator) and to say he is jealous and possessive is an understatement. He is jealous of everything; our own son; my job; my hobbies; even a (detail removed by moderator) I had as a child. If I talk about work or my colleagues (female as wouldn’t dare have male friends) he slags them off puts them down so I never go out with them or invite them round for fear of upsetting him and him taking it out on me. He has a massive problem with my job as I worked hard at home to earn a degree and went through hell ( because of him) on my years training to qualify. He insistent on the fact I owe it to him for completing it as he was so supportive towards me! How he works that out I don’t know as he put me through hell. Back then I ended up calling the police after he punched me ( probably had hundreds of times before) and said I’d planned all of it with a colleague who helped me out. I went back- after (detail removed by moderator)- and he’s hated me for it ever since although is less violent now but instead is so incredibly verbally abusive and controlling but he says that is what I am. He constantLy threatens to lose me my job especially if I say I’m going to leave. If I have to attend meetings which might mean I’m going to be home 30 mins later than normal I know I’m in for it when I get home. I have to text if I go to shop on way home so he doesn’t hit the roof.
He is obsessed by the fact I’ve cheated on him despite the fact I have never had a night out with friends drinking in all the time we’ve been together. I’m frightened to go the loo in the night, pick up my phone or even go out in the front garden as any make within 3m of our property is fair game in his eyes. He is always threatening to go to my workplace and hit male staff, or wait outside the gym I used to go to, to hit someone there. If I protest I am defending them and proving him right! His work ethic is c**p but he insists he has supported me and our son ( now grown up but still lives with us) for years so says I owe him a few years back. He belittles me, berates me, criticises me, accuses me of thieving from him, says I don’t pay him enough attention and questions everything I do. I am suffering with bad anxiety and tried counselling only for him to accuse me of going to meet someone else as I would be stuck in traffic coming home, hence I gave it up. I take photos of where I’ve been to prove I’m not up to anything. He talks about himself as though he’s the best thing on earth. He’s just really not a nice a person anymore. Though can be if he wants to.
Anyway I had been blabbing to people at work before lockdown who were concerned for me but it Was nice to finally get things off my chest. One colleague who’d been trained in DV said she’d spoken to someone about me and they thought I was high risk. She wanted to do a MARAC but I was too scared. I know I have to leave but really don’t want police involvement as am worried he’ll get away with it and jealousy isn’t really a crime is it? And now he only verbally abuses me, threatens me, smashes things, pushes or grabs me and on occasion spits at me in the face.
I feel like a rabbit in headlights, frozen to the spot. I feel fear, numbness, anger, guilt, ashamed, like I’m over reacting and obliged to try better.This continues in a cycle so am always exhausted.
Is there a way for me to leave without repercussions. We have a mortgage together but he will not leave despite not being able to afford to live there on his own. He is now picking faults at our son and it really gets to me so I butt in and guess what.
Things got better for about (detail removed by moderator) and now he won’t even talk to me so I scuttle round the house mostly staying in our room. I’m on the vulnerable list so can’t leave yet ( don’t know why I said that as know I won’t leave anyway- I’m too pathetic. I’m just so ashamed I can’t even sort my own life out. I’m like a baby.

[Hazydayz]

Hello Scapegoat. I want to start with Thankyou for messaging me on bad day🤗 I haven’t got back to anyone yet, you are the first. I thought I would check in on you and I’m so glad I did! My…your having a worse day than me! and you need a reply yourself, so here I am💞 That’s how it is here I’ve found, in the month now since I joined, there’s always someone else having a worse day than me. I’ll do my best to support as we do here for one another when struggling and I’m sure your going to get lots more support that will help you hopefully. There’s a lot of experience in here and advice on offer, Maybe, some better than I can offer at this point. I guess I’m offering a sympathetic listening service tonight as I haven’t worked out the answers yet? But I must say after reading what you’ve written here, Well done! to you. Your intro and account of you situation is very clear and that to me is something you can be very proud of getting out and having it received very much understood. You nailed it! Considering you didn’t know where to start? The why your writing this? I can answer, reading between the lines, I’m sure it’s because you need to. Can I ask? Are you new here? It’s just a feeling I’ve got? Or maybe? it’s your first post, written after much time spent reading many others life stories on here whilst gearing up momentum to share yours. Whatever, it doesn’t matter, I just want to say thankyou again for sharing and I’m pleased to have met you here. Ok…. I want to start from the last point you made ok. You are far from pathetic sweetie never think that of yourself, your amazing! You have managed to achieve so much. Wow! You obtained a degree whilst trying to cope with all that you have described here, that’s incredible Hun!! what a personal achievement, very well done!!! That’s a credit to you! Also, your holding down a proffesional position by the sounds of if, that is far from easy to do under such pressure as your under at home! You certainly have nothing to feel ashamed of here, sorting your life out is going to be just another difficulty to tackle
whilst juggling everything else your managing so far. And you are going to have so much support here anytime you need it. Whatever you decide your capable of or not capable of right now, just know this…here your not thought of as a baby! We just take baby steps here! all of us learning! Hope this helps 💞

[Scapegoat]

Hi Hazydays,
Thank you for your kind words. I have just messaged you as wasn’t able to before.
No I’m not new on here just that my posts are few and far between. Also I go through periods of thinking I have to accept this, I can try harder to fix this, it’s not that bad, I’m a drama queen, I’m the problem -so I I just try and soldier on. Except I can’t. I go through phases of severe anxiety, fear, guilt, loneliness, numbness and then anger ( which is the worst as then I become a motor mouth and things really ramp up. I am not a walkover – yeah right! I can be very assertive and stick up for myself as I can keep my big fat mouth shut when I need to ( sometimes).
I just need someone to hold my hand and help me though this as I haven’t got the balls to follow it through. But in the other hand I don’t want to involve anyone else as I don’t want to involve them in this sick, twisted lifestyle or there be repercussions to themselves. I don’t want to burden people. I feel like an idiot when I cry and say what I’m going through and do nothing more to rectify my situation, I really think it’s too late for me to get out I’m stuck here- TIL death do us part.i don’t want to hurt him, punish him, leave him homeless. I just want it to stop although I know now I can never have a normal relationship with him as I’m too damaged. I’ve tried hurting myself (giving him he ammunition to say I’m a loon and he will report me so I lose my job)
I just don’t know how to go about sorting it. I’m frightened of the consequences and I’m unsure of what I really want. There are 2 sides to every story and maybe I am as rubbish as he makes me put to me. We’re not perfect after all.
Thanks for your kind words hazydayz, I hope you have a better day 💓

[Walkingonsunshine]

Scapegoat, I can 100% relate to everything you’ve said, I’ve been in exactly the same boat telling myself ‘until death do us part’ but you are worth so much more than this toxic relationship. You deserve happiness and the way you are being treated is not right. I know how scary it is, the thought of leaving and going through with it all – I constantly think I can’t go through with it. It would be so much easier to stay, but I can’t live this way any longer. I was so miserable and anxious around him. I’ve found taking baby steps helps – don’t think too far ahead just find a small manageable Steps to take. Can you and your son stay with family/friends? I found as soon as I was spending less time in his company I got stronger and more able to deal with things.

[Scapegoat]

Thanks Walkingonsunshine I know what you say is right but because I’m not 100% convinced it is not my fault I am frozen. My son is going to stay somewhere else soon which on one hand I think good he won’t have to endure living in this toxic hell but also fills me with dread as it means I’ll be alone with him. I also rely on my son as a chaperone, to come out for a walk with me etc so know I will be even more isolated. I’m fully aware I shouldn’t rely on my son as that makes me a bad mother hence I feel even worse. I can’t go anywhere as am extremely vulnerable to coronavirus so not able to go out. I do feel less fearful when he actually does go to work and is not around but then I’m also like a cat in a hot tin roof worried I might miss a call/txt from him, worried something will break, worried someone will come to the door. Also has a security camera which can listen in on the inside of house so am paranoid about saying doing anything which might upset him. Basically I’m just a walking wreck. I know the answer is easy- just leave- but I worry about the consequences and repercussions and also have attachment issues to things which sounds really pathetic I know.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Can you contact Women’s Aid through chat? Explain your situation and they can help you take part of your power back, right now in the situation you are in now without leaving.
Meanwhile when he’s at work, can you care for yourself? Taking a shower, doing some stretching, baking a cake, following a guided mediation/breathing exercise etc…anything good and little to recharge your batteries.
Also take some vitamins and mineral supplements, vitamin B’s, C, magnesium and Calcium are all good to keep fit. Iron too.
Baby steps and keep breathing. Look outside, the clouds, the rain, the wind in the trees, the birds flying.
Sending you strength & keep posting

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