I’m unravelling

[foggyhere]

I thought I had my head sorted. But I don’t.

I think it’s clear that what I’ve experienced with my husband is a form of emotional abuse from a passive agressive man who otherwise seems very kind and sensitive.

But now I’ve set myself off. We were together for nearly [detail removed by moderator] years before the abuse started. It coincided with marriage, unplanned pregnancy and him being diagnosed with a debilitating illness [detail removed by moderator]. When he was very sick, I was his carer. When he got better, he took me out and bought me an eternity ring to say how I had just proved I was the woman he wanted to be with forever.

Then all our decisions went his way – this is unusual for me because I am a very decisive person and I know what I want. I just can’t explain why I let it all go. And some decisions were made without me knowing – the withdrawal of sex for [detail removed by moderator] years was to prevent any more children without needing to have a discussion about it.

I’m wondering now whether I made him like this – that I was so unreasonable, the only way to make decisions was to go behind my back. And because he’s passive agressive, if he’s acting out then he’s angry. What did I do to make him so angry? Am I really borderline, like he says? Or is it just that I was in a very stressful situation and anyone would be emotionally unstable and fearful of abandonment?

Now I see my daughter will text him to ask him to promise that he will love her forever, and I see that he replies but completely ignores her question. Am I over reacting – is he someone that feels more secure when he makes someone else insecure? Or did he just miss her question?

I’m so confused. The other thing is, it’s only been [detail removed by moderator] since he walked out. It took me a while to stop thinking he was the most wonderful, altruistic and thoughtful person I’d ever met. But now I get moments where I’m practically c**k-a-hoop that he’s gone, and really excited that I can choose where I live and work, and finally restart my career.

[one day at a time]

Hi. He sounds a very manipulative and controlling man, so I think from even the little bit you describe here, he clearly knows what he’s doing. He hasn’t accidentally misunderstood any messages! What a horrible, nasty way to treat you and your daughter.
My ex was similarly controlling, manipulative and cruel. It took me years to find the courage to end the relationship, but like you I can now start to live my life again. It’s frightening starting over but freedom to be me again is worth it. And my daughters have seen that it is not OK to live with abuse.
You deserve your freedom too. And your daughter deserves to be treated with respect and not have to put up with his mind games.
I’m glad you have times when you feel good about him being gone. Hang onto the feelings and remind yourself during those times when you miss what you should have had in the relationship.
It does get easier with time. He sounds very needy and insecure, but your job was never to be his security blanket. You’re not responsible for his happiness – he is. Time for you to focus on you and your daughter and putting your happiness first.
Stay strong. Take care. Big hug x

[foggyhere]

Thank you, that really helps

He’s done me a favour by leaving, and in such a manner that it prompted the professionals who are helping me to probe into the relationship. So I’ve not had to come to this realisation that it is abuse by staying in the relationship until it got to an intolerable level. Nor have I had to pluck up the courage to leave – this abuse is invisible to the outside world, me leaving would look as though I’ve abandoned a perfect marriage for my own selfish reasons

I never really saw it whilst I was in the relationship. Yes, he did at times really hurt me, but he was always able to give a reason why, and that reason was never him.

Also, everything wrong in our lives was my fault. Now I see it isn’t all my fault – some of it was part my fault, and the rest was no one’s fault, just life.

But I’ve spent nearly half my life with this man. For our whole marriage, nearly a decade, I’ve believed I’m a terrible wife with a very understanding and tolerant husband, and nearly every day I’d tell him how lucky I was to have him, and that I loved him very much.

That cognitive dissonance is so hard to overcome. I know he isn’t who I thought he was. But then I wonder if I changed him by being awful.

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