Imaginary conversations and frustrations

[wildandfree]

I have been out for (detail removed by moderator). Ex has been quite full on in asking me back, and saying that if I admit I made a mistake then he would have me back etc. He got with his current partner a few weeks after I left, and they are still together.

Although Im out, I still find myself thinking about what I would say to him. I imagine what I would say to her. I had to leave my house and all my belongings, and I get so frustrated that she is there in my house with all the things I worked to buy. I get into these crazy conversations in my head about what I would say to her, to him, to his family. Sometimes I want him to hurt as much as he hurt me.

No one knew about the abuse. To everyone, I am just the wife who abandoned her loving husband when he needed me most. I didn’t tell anyone, because for a long time I couldn’t admit that I was in an abusive marriage, even though every part of me was screaming get out.

I am rebuilding my life and I am so much happier, so why am I still having these pointless conversations in my head, that I will never have in person? Has anyone else found this? I hate that I am still emotionally tied to this man. I get frustrated that sometimes it feels like he ‘won’. He has got exactly the same life as he had, the only thing that changed is the actress playing my role.

[Sunflowersunshine]

I have similar conversations. Especially justifying why I left to people I would never actually tell why I left. I was the bad person wholeft one day a kind loving man. He was kind and loving to everyone else but me. I think there’s nothing wrong if those conversations are a venting space but I know I have to try really hard to actively be in the now. Whenever I look back I spiral and the same with looking forward. I have to actively reflect that I’m safe and happy now. And that helps ease those conversations from playing in my head. But they still do. And I think I want to play them out so I “win” not him. Which as you said it feels like my ex did win. When that’s not true.

[wildandfree]

Hi Sunflowersunshine

Thanks for replying. Yes, I think it is the justifying why I left. The the world it felt like I was the bad guy, and partly I just want people to understand the kind of man he is. But I guess it wouldn’t really help.
I think I need to find some positive mantras to focus on when I find myself going down the rabbit hole of pointless imagined conversations.

[Shocknawe]

I know how you feel. The ruminating and imaginary conversations drive me crazy sometimes. I keep thinking I run into him and tell him what a b*****d he’s been. I wrote letters, I draw, I try to do lots of things to stop my brain from ruminating. It’s awful. But I do it less and less every day that passes.

[cakepops]

It seems to be very common that the abuser moves on quickly and seems to be having the perfect life. But, he’s clearly not happy or he wouldn’t be sending you pictures and trying to win you back.

Could you maybe write down some of your feelings? I need to be in contact with my ex regularly due to having children, and I find it so frustrating that I need to hold in what I really want to say. So sometimes when things get really bad I do a reply exactly how I would like to word it, and then delete it. Its really therapeutic [but if you do this ALWAYS make sure you delete his email address first so you can’t hit send by accident!!!).

Also, for people like this the best revenge you can have is moving on and being happy. I don’t necessarily mean with a new man, but in terms of your own personal development and happiness. Spend time finding out who you want to be, what you enjoy, spending time with people who understand and believe in you.

[Galaxy6]

Thank you for sharing! I thought I was the only one who had these imaginary conversations. I try so hard not to have them, because I want to forget him and the relationship and just move on. But I catch myself having these conversations in my head as if I would see him again. I think it’s because there’s a part of me that regrets not saying more, or doing more. I feel awful for not defending myself, but the other side understands why I couldn’t do that. I’m also annoyed that he gets to just live his life, I didn’t get all of my belongings back either that I’d also worked hard for, some sentimental gifts. It feels like them keeping it is them believing they still have some power, and the thought of that is horrible.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Wildandfree

I am not sure its possible to walk away from something as traumatising and emotionally charged as domestic abuse and not have your brain doing flips and rerunning scenarios repeatedly.

Your poor brain is trying to make sense of everything and heal, so it makes sense that you will keep revisiting this until you find some resolution for yourself. I personally think its about closure, that you have been left with all this emotion and drama, and have nowhere to go with it.

Writing it down is a great way of at least getting it out of your head,and also for when reading it back later, it can be almost like reading about another person once its not all consuming for you anymore.

It does get easier. I’m not sure there’s anything more likely to leave you with these kinds of reactions of continually circling with yourself around conversations. Its the damage that abuse causes, that you can’t resolve anything with them, never will, never be able to be heard, and this ends up in blocking all your attempts to resolve anything. Its very bad for your psychology.

It can drive you a bit mad initially, but try to be patient with yourself and notice its happening as its happening again and just let it wonder for a little, but then find something to distract yourself, or keep a notepad handy to scribble it down. As your brain sorts it all out it will ease, and its very much part of the process. Very tough, but this too will pass.

warmest wishes

ts

[Hopefulgreyrock]

Yes! I do this all the time! Every day. So many times a day. I just accept it now, i say to myself i am bound to after the psychological torture and never really knowing who he was etc.

Don’t be hard on yourself for doing it. I would say its a pretty normal reaction. I’m sure for a healthy mindset it might be discouraged but i knoe there is so much i never was able to say to him. So much! And so much i know since but i can’t have contact with him so of course its in my head. I imagine conversations with a mutual friend who has told complete lies about me. Conversations with his ex wife. Recent girl. My friends also who have no idea.

Writing it down helps. Then give it an expiry date. Say you can’t do anything until that day with it. Helps me.

Dr Ramani has a few videos on rumination that helped me know it’s him, not me.

[wildandfree]

Thanks beachhut
I am glad it is not just me. I do wish there was an off switch. Sometimes I can stop myself, but other times I get so angry at these imagined conversations. I know I will never say these things, but I really want to. I was friends on Facebook with him for a while, until (detail removed by moderator). It took all my willpower to unfriend and not post a comment telling her that he regularly asks me back, or asks me for an affair, or sends me **** pics whilst he is with her.

Thanks for your reply. I guess recovery is a long game.

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