In our bed now

[Buddy]

I know this may sound petty compared to what some are going through atm but after sleeping on couch and ignoring me for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks for doing nothing , I came hone from work (detail removed by Moderator) , he is still ignoring me but gone up to the marital bed . I class his behaviour as passive aggressive and emotional abuse and now this .. what am I supposed to do ? Accept that he is deciding where and when he sleeps again this is controlling right ?
I am going to sleep in bed with my daughter .. maybe I am doing wrong then but not sure what to do tbh x

[Onwardsupwards]

Follow how you feel. I think your right, it is controlling not to mention extreme to live alongside someone and ignore them for (detail removed by Moderator) weeks. It takes a lot of self control.
If you don’t wish to sleep.in the bed with him then just follow your instinct x
I watched something on BBC iPlayer this morning called is this coercive control and it’s opened my eyes to the smaller things that happened right at the very beginning of the relatonship and all of the way through.
I hope your ok! I’m just out of my relationship and it’s a huge sense of release!

[gettingtired]

Hi Buddy, it’s not petty. Now I’m aware of the abuse I’ve suffered from my partner I’m constantly questioning or analysing in my head anything he does or says. Exhausting to say the least.
I can’t believe how long this silent treatment you’ve been subjected to has gone on for. How pathetic he is to carry this on and around the children. Yes I think that sounds the right thing to have done to sleep in your daughter’s bed and away from him xx

[KIP.]

Yes it’s controlling behaviour and again the gaslighting. He’s pretending nothing has happened and for someone who says they are looking to move out of the marital home his behaviour isn’t reflecting this. Him rejecting you was supposed to bring you running back and begging for forgiveness for something you haven’t done, just to appease him. He’s expecting you to just go along with his dysfunctional behaviour now and forget what’s happened and how hes treated you. Which you’ve probably done for years. When you don’t he will show his ugly self again.

[Buddy]

I agree with u all thanks for your replies , I do sometimes worry that I am delusional and that I am reading too much and obsessing about it and looking for things that are not there .. as I do obviously think of the r wonderful times also and how it is possible for my husband to want to be like this .
So (detail removed by Moderator) I just said to him I need to know how much the bills are all together on this house as our gas and electric has jumped up a £(detail removed by Moderator) which I don’t understand why suddenly , I have seen the statement .
He replied because you (detail removed by Moderator) .. I replied (detail removed by Moderator) .He said (detail removed by Moderator) , suggesting I am not innocent . I said (detail removed by Moderator) He said (detail removed by Moderator) with a smirk ( obviously I am not completley innocent) but i don’t deserve him to throw things etc in arguments do I ?
Funny thing is , I suggested seeing if I could take on the bills on my own for this house , rather than him paying for this house and me paying for a flat for him .
He discounted this idea , I am not sure why as it will be more expensive for him to pay for us to stay in this house !!
End result is , he is going to finish some of the jobs in the house that need doing and then he moves into a flat ( which I pay for) then the house goes on market in (detail removed by Moderator) !
I was shaking and tummy chur I g when talking to him and he spoke over me and over powered me . Sorry for rambling , it just happened and I have come straight on here to tell u x

[KIP.]

He’s messing with your head. Trying all sorts of tactics. Trying to get you to back down, he’s lying to you. Fishing to see what hurts you the most. Threatening to sell your home he knows will get a reaction. He’s a liar and a manipulator and he’s going nowhere. He’s simply lying and changing the goal posts to keep your head spinning. Just make your own plans without his knowledge. Him paying for your bills and you paying for his keeps your hooked into him. Having to rely on him for money which he will withdraw when he feels like it.

[KIP.]

Only act on what he actually does and not what he threatens to do and at the moment he’s doing nothing but talk and mess you around.

[Camel]

Hey Buddy

I hope you’re doing OK. KIP is right, he’s messing with your head. Your body shaking betrayed how frustrated and powerless you feel. He is still totally in control. You’ll have used up so much time and energy trying to negotiate the silent treatment, the sleeping arrangements, and now the financial arrangements. I think you will feel better if you took back a smidgen of control. Believe it or not, he doesn’t automatically get to make all the decisions. Make sure to get your own legal advice. Don’t wait until he’s finished the jobs on the house. He won’t be in any rush. KIP is also right that his suggested financial arrangements are a way for him to keep control. Shouldn’t you just sell up and split the assets? Not selling only keeps him tied to you.

[Buddy]

Honestly .. he is playing mind games .. (detail removed by Moderator) ordering take away and playing it up for me and bringing it in to me (detail removed by Moderator) .
Then slept on sofa (detail removed by Moderator) ( sometimes on sofa and sometimes in marital bed .
Then (detail removed by Moderator) being extra nice to me !

I don’t feel as powerless as I did and the anxiety has past a bit , thank goodness !
I have upped my dose of antidepressants , so that could be the reason .
Thanks for advice ladies, currently I am just working loads and saving as much as I can .. x

[Buddy]

Also ladies , I can’t believe he is trying to carry on normalise without a conversation about our marriage !
I think it’s because he has nothing on me .. ie apart from not being wonderful around the house .. I have loads on him , hence the excuse I can’t talk to u

[Camel]

He’s reacting to your behaviour so you’re not powerless. If you slept in your daughter’s bed maybe he got the message without you having to spell it out. Which is why he slept on the sofa the next night. Keep on doing what you’re doing. Have you got any headphones? They’re great for signalling that you’re not paying him any attention. x

[Buddy]

Thanks camel .. I just didn’t realise I had to play games in my marriage .. it’s pathetic tbh .
I honestly can’t believe he is keeping his cool , and not throwing anything .. it goes to show he can control it !
My respect has gone .. x

[Camel]

Truthfully, hasn’t it been years and years of game playing? What’s different now is you’re aware of the games. And setting your own rules. x

[Buddy]

Yes, you are right .. it’s so sad .. what a way to live . It shows to me that underneath it’s all about his insecurities .
X thank u xx

[Camel]

I understand what you’re saying but I’m sad for you, not him. When you say ‘what a way to live’ don’t forget that you have lived it too. I wouldn’t start feeling sorry for him. Perhaps he is insecure. But isn’t it a bit more than sad that he boosted his own self-esteem by trampling on yours?

[Author]

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