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Driving on the way to work I started to cry, just thinking about his shouting at me this morning. It was because I hadn’t but the (detail removed by Moderator) in the usual place in the dishwasher and hadn’t put (detail removed by Moderator) in it to be washed as well. It did occur to me that I may have taken his shouting the wrong way, because we were in different rooms so I went into the room he was him and said you didn’t need to shout and he started shouting the same thing again.
I’ve asked him so many times not to shout, usually he says ‘it’s you’. At times I can animated about something and he tells me to stop shouting even though I don’t think I am. Our communication is so poor and it all happens in front of the kids. At the weekend he started shouting and being annoyed because I’d planned to take the children out so when he left the room my eldest said he wanted to stay at home, I know that he was just trying to keep the peace because it was his friends party. When I’ve said I want to do something on my own it’s ‘No you’re not’.
I just feel run down and sad. I don’t know what needs to happen to get me to pull away from this relationship. I keep getting to the point where I tell myself if he says ‘no’ or behaves in such a such way, that’s it. It gets to that point and I just submit. It’s pathetic really.
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Hi Robin
Your partner sounds EXACTLY like mine. I am told I am too loud constantly but if I am quiet and am behaving oddly.
Nothing I ever do is right and the things I get shouted at for are ridiculous.
I get shouted at for staying quiet (as I don’t know what to say to him sometimes) or if I do say something I usually get told that I make no sense!
I’ve asked my partner not to shout, not to call me stupid, to try and communicate with me but nothing works. You know why? Because he’s abusive. I’m pretty confident my partner learnt his behaviours from his parents and feels its is normal and jusitifed.
My leaving date is imminent. I can not wait to be out. He is having a stressful time at the moment and a small part of me feels guilty but a larger part of me feels the abuse escalating because he is stressed. He’s already throwing things, calling me names and he starts threatening sentences but never finishes them. “If you don’t do/stop doing X then…….”. I’m pretty sure I know how that sentence ends.
I got to this point (on the brink of leaving) with the help of the people on this forum, the help of women’s aid phone line and drop in centre and the help of family and friends. I would not be where I am now without those people. You need other people to give you perspective and drag you out of the F.O.G (Fear, Obligation and Guilt). I feel no fear or obligation anymore, I will always feel guilt but I am dealing with that slowly and can continue to after I have left.
At the end of the day you could be the kindest, most helpful, generous person there is and he would still find a reason to treat you badly, because that is the only thing he knows and it is not your job to fix that. That’s the biggest lesson I’ve learnt.
Big hugs to you. If you want to private message me please do, as the similarities in our relationships are uncanny!
Bye for now
J x
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Hey Robin. Sending you a big hug <—>. I’ve been where you are and I can promise you it’s nothing you are doing, abusers simply change the goal posts. If it wasn’t the dishwasher it would be some other perceived fault. Or he would just make it up. My ex did exactly the same. His aggression was frightening and verbally offensive. His outbursts made me try harder in the beginning to keep the house tidier. To be more careful around his things. It didn’t matter. The verbal abuse just continued and it breaks my heart to see your kids already altering their behaviour because of abuse. Try to ring the helpline but abuse always gets worse. Work on freeing yourself and your kids. You all deserve better x
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