Inappropriate conversation with child

[Twix]

I’ve been listening to my child’s conversations with dad for months as he’s been talking negatively about me saying I’ve had affairs, telling him about police involvement & that he’s reporting me to child services & asking him if I’m recording conversations.

I’ve listened to ensure his welfare & he’s so paranoid he’s told my child to use a password to let him know if I’m in the room or listening.

He went through the roof at him tonight when he discovered I knew the passcode (detail removed by moderator)

Im devastated, I’ve only ever tried to protect the child. I feel like it’s backfired somehow.

(detail removed by moderator) I need to relay this to the social worker but why do i feel like I’ve done something wrong? I haven’t done anything except try to protect the child. I don’t know what to tell him & have just hugged him.

[Lifebegins]

Hi Twix

You have absolutely done the right thing listening in. This is abuse of your child telling them lies about you to make them feel badly against you. Even if it were true, it would be inappropriate conversation content between father and child (or adult and child).

I had a very similar situation where ex was saying all sorts of lies about me to my child without my knowledge. It created quite an issue between me and my child as they believed him and I had a lot of bad behaviour to deal with as I didn’t know what was being said and wasn’t discussing the relationship breakdown/abuse/police etc with my child as I felt they were too young. I only found out all the terrible lies my ex had said after there was an incident between my ex and my child and they then told me everything. It was quite shocking and sickening listening to it all and the thought then that my child had been put through a very long period of this emotionally abusive behaviour.

I was advised that my primary responsibility is to ensure the safety and well-being of my child. And as such, I need to take whatever action I deem necessary to do so. You are doing the same to protect your child. Do not feel bad about it. I used to worry about upsetting my ex and causing problems and basically pandering to him to keep the peace. Not anymore. The gloves came off when he did to that to my child.

I totally feel for you as we take others bad behaviour on ourselves. But you’re being a good mum and doing what’s best for your child xx

Stay strong and sending a big virtual hug 🤗xx

[Twix]

Thanks for the reply Lifebegins, I’ve spoken to the social worker so they’re aware but they didn’t suggest cutting contact till the child arrangement order is in place, just agreed that my suggestion for safeguarding to stop phone calls was a good choice.
I worry about the harm & mind games at play, with the longer term damage that’ll be difficult to unpick.
I don’t think I can cut contact legally unless I have custody or they agree there’s a safeguarding concern.
It’s so hard & his family are calling me a bully saying I’m firing bullets wherever I can but in reality I’m only trying to protect him, it’s what’s driven me to leave & show what good behaviour is. Nobody should be setting up passcodes to talk to their children. I think the control he had over me has been replaced with the child, ultimately he’s only going to lose out himself as long as he doesn’t twist it to his benefit.
Thanks for the hug!xx

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Twix

I am so sorry that your child has been suffering this abuse from his father! Sadly it seems a very common tactic, and it causes a lot of damage to a child, and the relationship between mother and child, and I am forever hearing that its not been acknowledged as the utterly destroying thing it can be, its child abuse, and you did right to record it. Its a mother responsibility to protect her children, not to mention instinct, and you’ve done nothing wrong. Its shocking that mother’s are left feeling this way, which they commonly are, and mother/child relationships are often destroyed by this very effective abusive tactic on children. Its highly abusive, and still not recognised as such. It happened in our situation also, and noone seems to pick it up; I, like you, had my suspicions, which when I challenged it, were confirmed. So, its just another reason you know they are abusers.

It is the right thing to do to stop contact where the child is being isolated and abused this way, but, you must follow your own instincts and balance that with legal advice. Its a hard fight on your own to keep strong and self-believing. Your instincts are good.

warmest wishes

ts

[Twix]

Thanks TS. Each time I’d read others posts and their journey I never believed I’d be in the same shoes, I was still in denial about the abuse but it’s so real & so hard to bring awareness to in terms of the right people.
I just pray that the information I’ve logged with police & social workers will all be considered in the decision on what’s best for him.
Psychologically & emotionally abusing a child is so harmful & I do hope that they’ll do the right thing by him.

[Author]

Posts