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After a big blow out I have explained that at times I feel verbally and emotionally abused.he feels u am bullying him but accuses me of bring agressive if I ask for examples.
He has accused me of being selfish for wanting to plan my own (removed by moderator), rather than him get heavily involved. He says that me not wanting anything for my (removed by moderator) (due to him always going on about money) is me being manipulative. He says that my current lack of appetite is due to me trying to control and manipulate him. He suggests that the children are depressing me and that I am reflecting it on to him. There is really nothing to gain from trying to voice my opinion.
My question is, I don’t think I’m being selfish or controlling …. but is there any logical way that my actions could be seen as such? Please share any sanity you have with me!!!
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Arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pidgeon. Even after they lose, they knock the pieces over, c**p on the board and strut around like they’ve won! I’d be more concerned that you’re so abused that you cannot rationalise his behaviour. Or rather you are trying o rationalise his behaviour. You need someone else to confirm your thinking is normal. It’s a sure sign of abuse. I remember the confusion. It’s called reality testing. Or gas lighting. I’ve been free a couple years and my thought process, self esteem and confidence have returned. I would never put up with the dysfunction that is abuse x things only get worse. You change your own wishes and beliefs to keep the peace.
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I had this a lot. No matter what you say and how you explain it it will always be your fault. My ex kept telling me EVERYTHING was my fault. He had a rage at me… I drove him to it. Kids get sick.. I dont clean enough. Son behaves badly.. Im not tough enough on him. I cry.. Im weak. I do nothing.. Im lazy. I do something.. Im doing it wrong.
You can’t rationalise with them and if you try, they will pass it onto you and you end up not only feeling guilty that you caused an argument but also having major self doubt! I have now given my solicitor letter and said Im leaving and he is trying to make sure I get nothing and wants to take the kids from me too. He says its all my fault and Im the one leaving… despite the fact HE has BULLIED me, punched me (once), treated me like a slave and told me he doesnt love me and doesnt even like me. But I should stay? I’m the one to blame? He’s even convinced some of our friends that its all me.
Dont be fooled by it. Dont doubt yourself. You are NOT to blame. Get out, it wont change 🙁 I wish I could say otherwise, but I wasted a year after realising I should go before actually doing it and its been worse than I ever imagined. But still the right thing to do. I know it.
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gosh bunsandcakes looks like you have written this about my life…..its all my fault I make him like that. I am unreasonable, nothing I do is right I am a dull, boring, no fun…..because he has chipped away at me such an extent I doubt myself constantly x*x my head is all over the place too abcxyz and I get how you feel xxxxx
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