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Dear ENF, I was thinking how you said that you would like the good part of your ex back. When I was with my ex there were some times where love bombing wasn’t present & i saw a side to him that was kind, open,decent & gentle. These times were so lovely & special. They were however limited & massively overshadowed by his lying, avoiding responsibility, blaming & possibly cheating. I thought today what I would have needed to feel the relationship was salvageable. At least 10 more of these tender special moments all of the time, him being able to talk & apologise & me not to feel insecure & confused. It’s all too much change needed & just not enough normal decency.
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This is the really hard thing. Aside from the hoovering and the crazy controlling behaviour, there was loads, and I mean loads of lovely times, for long periods of time. He really couldn’t handle though anything he percieved as a threat to me having my attention on him 100% of the time. He could be lovely with my daughter, and could get on with the boys well and was def trying towards the end to salvage something with my sons but by that time I had just shut down to him I think. It’s like he always, in any given situation had to be on top, had to be one up on the other person. I also found he would scrutinise my every movement to the point where I just desperately needed the constant running commentary, mostly mocking on every single tiny little thing I did to stop. Honestly if it had been possible to gag him I would have. It made me MASSIVELY uncomfortable and at no point could he see it was a problem. Even now, he says he sees it now I don’t think he does really. I mean I literally couldn’t do a thing without a verbal commentary on what I was doing, why I was doing it, why I wasn’t doing it a different way, at a different time. Then came the disgusting patronising “advice” on how to do everything better. He had to help me you see, because of “it all being too much for my tiny little brain to cope with”. He said that to me with a smile on his face and gave me a kiss. I just felt utterly hopeless. Yet before we were living together, it wasn’t nearly as bad as that, it was like he just felt relaxed enough to go for it once we had bought a house together. I don’t think he does realise the damage he was doing. I’m not sure he really cares, or he just cares now because it’s resulted in him being cut off from me which he finds crippling. X
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Vi think he is trying. He is definitely putting more thought into trying to go about things differently but then he feels any sense of me not being on board and the way he deals with that is still to suffocate and steamroller through any boundaries. He clearly cannot empathise as he doesn’t understand why I feel so damaged from the things he did and why I can’t just move on. Yet all I see right now is a man who has learned nothing about respect so being with him is not moving on its moving back which I can’t let myself do. X
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Actually just been thinking. Whenever it was just him and I things were generally fine, good. We never argued when out, always enjoyed ourselves, had nice days with no kids. As soon as there was anyone else I needed to accommodate, I needed to attend to, he wasn’t King of the heap that’s when he was a horror. Every time. Any time it’s just him and I it’s fine. X
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A lot of women will tell you the real abuse begins after marriage or when a child comes along. It’s then the n********t can’t stand being second best. Also, they now have you trapped using the child or the marriage. Mine proposed within three weeks and wouldn’t take no for an answer. It was all too quick. Did he rush you into buying a place together? I think there’s some sort of switch that goes off once they feel they have you trapped.
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If my ex did something that upset me, really hurt me, I was not allowed to express anger, disapproval or anything negative, normally I would have to beg,plead & apologise just so that we could get back to normal. It’s just an abnormal & dysfunctional reaction when he should have been remorseful, apologised to me & allowed me to be upset.
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ENF – it worries me because my ex would punish me whenever he perceived I’d gotten the upper hand. Maybe not right away but it would come. He’s going to try to make you pay. Please don’t minimise this sort of behaviour. Many women have in the past and have been badly hurt. I always used to say my ex didn’t hit me but that’s only because I always gave in before he had to. It’s totally different when you’re not backing down X
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Thank you Kip. Yes he pushed, drastically to get us to buy somewhere together. He had been practically living at mine but his behaviour had just become unacceptable and I tried to end our relationship. He had always liked being able to have another life away from me, kept his time with his son separate to time with me and my kids. The last year of going on separate holidays and me realising actually I’m as well just getting on with my life and he can get on with his, if we just get together without kids to go out then that’s fine. I changed my attitude, started going out with friends when he had his son instead of sitting in waiting for him. I bought a new car that was not the most practical for all of us…no seven seats but then I was only a family of four, me and my kids so it was fine. I started thinking differently, accommodating me and my kids and if he wanted to join he could but if he didn’t I wasn’t bothered. Looking back that’s when the huffing started, “I’m not sure what I want”. I told him, fine, not a problem if you don’t know by now then it’s clearly not me. I was very very upset but I was getting through it, getting on, then he came back, devastated and on the biggest charm offensive ever. Then came the realisation for him that we should get somewhere together. He didn’t take no for an answer, constant pressure, constant planning for the future, the life we would have that would be so much better and easier for everyone. I ignored my gut, my instinct, super wrongly and went with it. Of course as soon as we moved in the critisism of us all started, the total lack of accommodation if anyone else. I contributed more than half to the household financially but he was king of the castle and his son was prince. Even in the face of the most blatant bad behaviour from both of them there was always a justification. Very quickly I told him I couldn’t go on like this. Then came the engagement ring (detail removed by Moderator), more declarations of love whilst I put up with his vile temper, he’d started holding me by the neck to make a point, if I disagreed with something, I’d back down and he’d let go and tell me “good girl” and kiss me. It made me feel sick. Then on the outside world he’s telling everyone that we are engaged after I asked him to keep it very low key for a while as my younger kids were really struggling with all the change. To the outside world he was doing everything he could to make me happy and if become this sick, weird recluse who was making his life hard. I was actually a live in slave to him and his son, desperately scared and unhappy and confused and became so sit down people close to me didn’t recognise the person I was. Still he did his Jekyll and hide, screaming at me when he could and declaring his undying love to the rest of the world. Most people still think I was the problem, I was mentally unstable. He thought he had me, he thought he was safe to behave this way and I couldn’t leave. X
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“Holding you by the neck” is one of the questions the police ask to determine how dangerous they are! I’m sure the police went through that list? Abusing pets etc. My ex moved in quite quickly with the woman I caught him with, a middle aged single mum with kids. One autistic. She was going round saying how he buys her everything, he’s great with her kids, (he’s living rent free) and how attentive he is etc. Im sure she thought she’d won first prize, just like I did, but she won the booby prize. She must have been so grateful for her knight in shining armour. I’m hearing his mask is slipping. I was quite a bit younger than my ex, and very very naive, I think he saw that vulnerability and went in for the kill. I’m beginning to think, like women’s aid said, he’s a predator?
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I know it is. And I told them no he doesn’t because he’s never choked me….this is how my head was working and still is to an extent. I made excuses as to why it wasn’t that bad. I wanted to protect him from himself, I only wanted the police to warn him off but that was the final catalyst that made him truly explode. X
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It’s good to see you’re beginning to see the clear picture. The fog is lifting. It doesn’t make it any less painful though. I promise you will get through this. You will look back and think what a pathetic loser he was. I think of my ex as a con man now. I was duped. But it wasn’t my shame. I did nothing wrong X
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My ex tried really hard, the pressure on me was intense to move into my house, rent out his own place and pocket everything. This pressure started within about a month of us meeting and lasted for ages. He felt it outrageous he would have to give me anything as I do not have a mortgage he felt entitled to live with me for nothing. We finally after hours and hours of talks agreed to give me a decent amount towards bills. All the while he would be making a tidy profit from renting out his house and using my place. At one point he made a veiled threat ‘we either live together or finish’. I felt unbearable pressure, I have lived alone for many years & have never even considered letting any man move in. I suspected him from the beginning to be a conman who will one day get a wealthy lonely widow and con her out of thousands.X*X
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