Internal conflict

[Janedoeissad]

There are things which my ex partner did that I still do as I have come to like it but I find it conflicting.

I like to have a tidy home and I like things to be in their rightful place. I wasn’t really that tidy before I met him. However, having things tidy and in their rightful place makes sense to me now and makes me feel relaxed.

Also, I didn’t eat too well before I met him but we always ate healthy fresh food. I like that now.

I find it conflicting as part of me wonders if I am doing these things as he is still in my head but the rest of me feels that these are positive traits to have and I feel healthier for eating better, so its ok?

Anyone else had this?

[Freedomfighter]

Hi Janedoeissad,
I’m still trying to get out of my relationship, so I can’t say for sure, but it seems to me that the things you’ve mentioned are positive things which make you feel good. Does it really matter that they are things he introduced you to?
If they were harmful or bad traits then okay not a good idea. But they aren’t.
I understand that you’re probably concerned he’s still controlling your behaviour, but you say ‘you’ prefer the place tidy and organised. My point being if you choose to do it rather than being coerced into doing because say you were frightened he’d find out, then I would think it’s fine. As long as if you don’t feel like cleaning and tidying you allow yourself the day off. I don’t think it matters, at least that’s how I see it. I had a similar kind of problem years ago. I was brought up believing that the house had to be kept clean and tidy or people would think I was lazy and dirty. My husband kept bringing stray dogs home, never put anything away, is a terrible hoarder, never helped with the housework and it drove me crazy and I was running myself into the ground trying to do everything, but never quite succeeded and felt like a total failure. A counsellor helped me see the situation differently and now if I don’t feel like cleaning I don’t. Still makes me uncomfortable that the place is a mess and I have to try to sort it out when I can. But I don’t let it rule my life. If he decides to bring people home to embarrass me and make me feel bad about not doing the cleaning, that’s his problem. I just apologise for the state of the place, pointing out all his things saying I’m not allowed to touch them. He goes mad when they’ve gone, but I just say well you should put things away and let me know when you’re bringing people back here. He hasn’t come up with an answer for that yet. He just gets me back some other way.
As for your question I think it might be something similar in that we’re so busy trying not to be controlled by them, confused by them etc, we end up over thinking it and confusing ourselves. Well I do anyway. Rule of thumb I’m using at present is do what makes me feel good or helping me cope. If you prefer it then do it, so long as it’s for you, not because you feel obligated

[duvetday]

Hey, yep I have this too…it’s really annoying.
I was thinking about this yesterday as something came up which I feel conflicted about cos it’s something I only started doing cos of my ex and now I don’t know how to feel about it… 🙁 anyway, just wanted to say you’re not alone. I think it’s probably pretty common. x

[Tiffany]

I am definitely tidier after living with my abuser. I actually practiced leaving things messy after leaving him, because I realised that it was an anxiety trigger, and I decided that I had to get over that. I like that now if I am tired I can abandon stuff on the floor in my room to deal with later. Sometimes that is practical. But I also know that I get a sense of well-being from a tidy room so I try and keep things nice most of the time. I also got out of the habit of making my bed at some point after I left him, but I had a morning off the other week and made my bed. When I came home it was such a lovely feeling to have a welcoming made bed to get into that I decided to make it a priority to do that every day. This is something that my ex previously forced me to do, but it feels very different as my descision. I think for me it helped trying not doing these things for a bit, just to check how it feel. You could do short experiments, just to check how it makes you feel. Eating healthily will undoubtedly make you feel well and add to your happiness (plenty of science out there to prove that), but if you occasionally decide to eat a tub of Ben and Jerry’s in one sitting you can. When you feel gross afterwards because you have overeaten you remind yourself that that is why you prefer not to do it even though it is fun at the time. Same with tidying. Or leave your clothes on the floor at night, then be p****d off that you can’t find your bra/your trousers are covered in cat hair and remind yourself that this is why you like things tidy. I aimed for the point where I stopped feeling anxious or guilty about lapses. For me that marked a point of not being controlled anymore. I am now confident that my descisions are mine. And I like tidiness and eating well. Just because my abuser also liked it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy them too.

[Anewbreath]

Hi janedoeissad,
I didnt realize how many of us deal with these kinds of conflicting emotions until i read your thread. Not soon after i left my abuser i read an article about a lady who left her laundry basket on the bed for a week, as a way of breaking the rules her abuser had made and setting her own rules. I liked her idea so after i left my abuser.. I decided i would leave my dinner plates and pots in the sink overnight instead of washing them right away… After a couple weeks though i realized I prefer to wake to a clean sink.. So now i dont leave them in the sink… Unless i am really tired. its not conflicting for me anymore because the decision, whatever i choose to do, is mine. I like to ask myself- do I want to do this? I know its something my abuser would want but do i want it??? And why do i want it? I struggled alot too with conflicting feelings regarding having male friends in my apartment. Because i know my abuser would say some degrading thing to me about having a male in my home.something sexual, vulgar and degrading.. With time though i stopped feeling uncomfortable about it… my hope for you is that with time… These kind of conflicting feelings will no longer bother you either.

[Janedoeissad]

Thanks ladies!

Anewbreath and Tiffany, I think I will try not doing some of these things and see how I feel. I do feel that I really do want to do these things I am doing now but I think I need to not do them to get rid of the feelings of control.

I have been thinking since I posted and there are a lot of things I don’t do anymore which I used to as he would kick off if I didn’t do them. I don’t go out every weekend now, I only go out if I choose to. I have become an expert at saying “no” if someone invites me out and I do not want to go. So I clearly have stopped some of the behaviours which were due to his control. I also don’t plan every last detail of every day out I do go on or stress if things go wrong. I had a nightmare the other night as a restaurant booking had gone wrong. Rather than stress, I laughed and we all found somewhere else to eat, bliss! No one kicked off, everyone was helpful.

Glad I am not the only one who feels this way though 🙂

[Janedoeissad]

Freedomfighter,

Thank you for your message.

Your situation sounds extremely stressful. I am glad you had a counsellor to help you.

My ex would shout at me about not doing things but failed to see what I had done. He also failed to do things himself cleaning wise sometimes but I never felt able to confront him. He also worked part time and I worked full time, so in reality he should have done the larger amount of cleaning. Which he did but he always made me feel like I wasn’t pulling my weight when I most definitely was.

[Author]

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