Intimidated

[livingonaprayer]

Hi, my current situation is so hard, i am still technically living with my ex. I have tried many times to create bounderies, start seperating money, sleeping on the sofa etc. He is so manipulative, given me lectures on everything i did wrong in the relationship how i’m destroyed his life and our childs cos i want to leave. We have been split for quite a while and recently i have had to sleep at a friends some nights just to avoid the constant ‘talks’ i sometimes take my son with me but i dont want to cause him any stress. I’m currently looking for a place either rental or council but its taking a while!he still insists on groping me and asking me for sexual stuff even though i’ve said no a million times. Thats why i need space! Cannot wait to have some peace in my life for my son and i!!

[KIP.]

Hey there, I had to live with my husband after I told him it was over. It only took a month for him to assault me and for me to have to call the police. These men won’t take no for an answer. I also got hours of lectures about what I was doing wrong and how this was my fault etc etc. Mind games. Even though he was seeing another woman. Don’t waste time as things will only get worse. None of this is your fault and by staying there he is just carrying on the abuse. Do you have family support. Can you borrow money from family and friends just to get you out quickly? Contact your local women’s aid. They have contacts in the local housing department and I was told I would be priority as domestic abuse was involved. In the end my husband was arrested and put on bail not to contact me. Please ring the helpline on here. There are many options you might not see as you are still traumatised.

[pink rose]

How are you to blame for everything, they shift the blame onto their victims its a manipulation technique for mind control to try to get you to doubt yourself and keep you down so they can still control you.

[Lisa]

Hi Livingonaprayer,

I just wanted to show you some support and to echo what KIP has wisely said too. Please do try to find a safe time to contact the helpline and to get some advice about leaving and safety planning. The fact that you mention that you are ‘intimidated’ and that he is still continuing to harass you is concerning and I would try to encourage you to try to leave the house at the earliest, and safest opportunity.

Please phone the helpline for some advice and let us know how you get on. We are all here for you so please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Suntree]

Hi

I too lived with my ex because I thought I had to.
I thought that he wanted the same things.
To separate
To move on
To look after the kids between us
To sell the house
To keep the family together as far as the kids went to minimalism the impact to them.
He agreed or suggested as such to me.
It was a lie, it bided him time for his plan which was very different.

At first he was almost overly nice, did things with us as a family, confused me and the kids.
Agreed that he would have them one night a weekend and i the other, first time I would get to go out with friends for a very long time.
Agreed to sell the house and signed the estate agents forms to do so.
What I didn’t know was he was working out how to break me, control me keep the house and get me to pay for everything.

Things started to change, I stayed away more at work until the childminder had put them to bed.
He told me I upset them and the child minder when I came home early.
If he was putting them to bed I wasn’t allowed in the same room or in their room (he hurt one of them once and threaten he would do far more if I didn’t comply and it would be my fault)
And so things went on.
I rarely got that “night off”
I was as isolated as before.
he even got those with power to let me know I was the problem.
He had it all worked out.
he almost broke me mentally.
He could discredit me as a Mum and that way he could get me out house, keep the kids with childminding, keep the house, get me to pay for it and for me to have the kids for contact at the weekends and holidays.

Seriously if those professionals actually listened to what he was actually saying alarm bells should have been ringing like mad.
But he had turned their attention totally on me and as the mother they looked at me so hard.
For him they thought he was the golden eye boy.
The web he spun was sickening.

He would stop just short of hitting me saying I was playing some sort of game with him.

I couldn’t report him, there was “nothing” to report.

The kids behavour was getting really bad, he was abusing them emotionally and with complete mind games. What I found out since makes me feel sick.
I at this point was still saying he was a good father (to think otherwise was beyond anything I could do at the time).
he is not a good father he is an abusive person who shares their dna and who thought so little of vulnerable children he didn’t care of the damage he was and did do to get his own goal.

He was angry with me one day, he had tried to up the anti with the professionals against me (I didn’t know any of this until later) and it was a different set, they didn’t do what he wanted.
That day he hit me.

I called the police.

before his bail was up I left with the kids.

I wish I had left as soon as we agreed to split with the kids.

Everything would have been hard but nothing to compared what I had to go through and the kids had to go through because I stayed.

I didn’t get in touch with WA until I was basically told to because I didn’t at that point think I was “abused” enough.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[wakingup]

I’m going through the separation and selling of the house and it cant come quick enough for me. I only hope i can get through it and he doesn’t flip. I’m avoiding him as much as I can. I’ve tried to sort the household bills with him and he won’t contribute until I show him all the bills. I spent an hour in work photocopying and printing evidence of bills he’s gladly let me sort and pay for the whole time we’ve lived together. I’ve left them (detail removed by moderator) in an envelope and hope this time he’ll pay

[Nova]

Hi LivingonaPrayer
Hope your feeling ok today.. or at least your getting some peace.

When you have a lot to face it’s mega mega stressful, feeling the way you do ontop with all the turmoil going on…We ladies know how distracting that can be, just do the basics, breath, ring WA and CAB can have practical local options. Give yourself some head space and distance to consider your options.

I found that in my abusive situation, clear thinking wasn’t allowed…only confusion…which kept up the control…your own head space is vital!

A bit of support goes a long way in this situ, someone to talk too, even annoymously or counselling can just get you over a hurdle. Keep in the present and move forward slowly, with a long list! Keep him NC, your in control

Hugs

Cx

[Author]

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