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I’m having such a strange time. Since the last verbal attack I can’t stay on an even keel. I think I get by on autopilot and then I have moments where I feel totally disorientated. I think the problem is that my brain can’t make sense of some of the things he said to me and it tries to file it all away somewhere and then every so often it just raises its ugly head again and I feel overwhelmed. I think I am unwell.
I have made the decision to go but I don’t know how and when and am just waiting for the WA group to start and hoping it will give me some answers.
In the meantime I told a good friend. She was great, but I know she doesn’t get it really and I was just wondering if anyone knew of any literature which explains our mindset to people who haven’t been in this situation. -
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I also get this feeling.. When we argue, i don’t think I can process his words. Sometimes (quite often) I get this feeling that I forget how he treats me, everything like happened in a dream. But somewhere deep inside me the anger, fear and disappointment accumulate and it constantly affects me…. I dont kn if that makes sense…
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Thanks Anabela. It helps to know that these feelings are experienced by others. Otherwise I would think I was going insane. I’ll try ‘Why does he do that?’
It is like a dream, you’re right. I think that is the mind’s way of coping. I experienced sexual abuse in childhood and that was a different, as I coped by separating mind and body. When the assault is psychological though I guess we employ different mechanisms to cope.
Sending you hugs. -
I just shut down, don’t say or do anuything. I’m physically exhaust and can’t sleep at the same time. It feels unreal to me, like I’m not here, I swing from feeling numb to being angry…but I can’t vocalise it as it makes no sense and he just shouts and criticises me.to an extent that I believe that is me xx
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Itmustbemesurely, that’s how I react as well… Whenever he starts having a go, I don’t say anything. my mouth does not open to agree or disagree. i do know there is no point to say what i think, because he wouldn’t listen anyway. i feel i can’t be bothered to speak. i just can’t can’t can’t stand up for myself…… quite often i start to shake….. or cry of it goes on for hours and gets nasty….
i’m so exhausted….. -
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The first time he called me a b***h, when I did not slice the onion to his liking.
We had a big argument, when I put almost empty bottle of milk to the fridge.
Or when I laid the bottle milk on a side in a fridge instead of putting it upwards.
Or when I made a stew with orzo pasta, instead of rice (I was following the recipe).
and it can blow into such a huge argument.
and then he would get angry that i am saying these are small things, and then he would say I dont see the context or sth like that…..
I hate him ….. But he does not know that…. -
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It’s a survival technique- we minimise their behaviour to ourselves because we want it to go away ; we hope that by ignoring it they will realise they were wrong and try harder to be respectful; or we are scared of their reaction if we retaliate or point out their wrongs; or we have even got to that point where we believe that we are the cause of their abusive behaviour.
It’s so hard when you’re in it. I know what it’s like to feel immobilised. Like your whole self-worth depends upon them chanding and being nice to you. You are holding out for that day…
I didn’t have access to anything like this forum, or Freedom courses when I was in my marriage. Over the years, he’d he’d tried to control me so much, I lived the life of a woman in 1950s Britain!
He’d even made me feel so scared and useless that I couldn’t even use a computer- and I’m not too old! It’s just that he’d tried to force me to live a sparse and outdated life where I had no money for technology, no freedom or money to go for technology training, plus he made me feel that my life should be centred on him ( cooking, sex, etc). I must have been a rarity for someone my age, not being computer literate!
Looking back, I can’t believe the archaic life I lived. The censorship on technology was- I am sure- an attempt at control, to censor my knowledge and education- and awareness- of the tactics of people like him! ( Maybe limiting education and technology skills should be included in the power and control wheel image!)
( Note: I did eventually go and learn how to use a computer- I didn’t ask him, I just did it- and I was so desperate to escape his chaiventistic clutches that I applied for a job where it was expected that I knew how to use a computer! Can you believe, on my first day I was led to my office and shown my computer. It took me ten minutes to work out how to turn it on! But I kept schtum and just learnt on the job! I’m now running my own (detail removed by Moderator)! Im a dab hand at technology now!)
The thing is, if you minimise what they are doing it push it under the carpet- or blame yourself- the abuse doesn’t go away: it just goes on ‘underground’ and covertly. Or behind closed doors. It’s still there, eating away at you, weakening you and causing damage. And if he is a malignant abuser, he will be plotting and planning behind the scenes to feather his own nest and then drop you from a great height one day when he thinks you’re getting too disobedient- and that hopefully he will ruin you in the process.
Some might be squirrelling money away, others limiting your income or training, or using guilt to keep your focus on them: anything to stop you riding up and achieving in the outside world, in your wider social circle, your career- because those are the very things that would help you to be independent debt and to see them for what they are!
If I could give advice to any ladies still in abusive relationships, it would be to keep on posting, giving examples of your situation and asking for support and validation. Go to all the support groups and courses you can. Read up about abuse tactics. Thus will help you to turn the focus from self-blame and a feeling of unworthiness to- hopefully- his having major issues and you feeling righteous anger at how he has treated you.
A relationship should be nothing but respectful. Even anger can be expressed resorctfully. There is no excuse for their behaviour.
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(detail removed by moderator)..I go into the downstairs toilet and scream silently, mouth open, tears welling but no sound. He is a vile horrid angry man, swears and shouts…I’m sure my children can hear. I hope that I’m not being a c**p mother. It’s me, I annoy him so much, I Moan and nag, I project my stress to him and that makes him angry, he has told me time and time again not to do it, not to annoy him. I hate him, but will no doubt give in to his demands tonight, feeling dirty and worthless but anything not be shouted at. I hate him.
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You need to google “trauma bonding” it has helped me massively with my recovery and has helped me understand why I stayed and endured something many wouldn’t. Understanding it myself made it a lot easier to explain to others around me, it has been pivotal in me moving forward. I have done a lot of reading up on it since and have discussed it with my counsellor. Finally light has been shed on it. Honestly I truly believe it will help you to look into this xx
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Memand & Anabela, I know where you’re comning from…I forget the nasty names he’s called me in the past until I write a note in my journal (where I log what he’s said to me, any physical threats and how he makes me feel) i can’t believe I forget this!! It makes me question why I’ve put up with it but now I’ve realised its the trauma bonding (thanks Westerncloud for the tip). I realise that everytime he says something that I think is ‘worthy’ of a reason to leave I don’t actually act on it.
He’s recently used our son to stop me going on a family holiday (we were all invited but he didn’t want to go and he didn’t want me to take the kids and so was surprised when I’d said I still wanted to go) he knew I hadn’t told our son yet but persisted asking me questions about it in front of him until our son made a connection – he became so upset that I had to say I wouldn’t go. My husband did not back me up once. Then last night our toddler wasn’t easy to feed so he refused to look after him and plonked him on the kitchen floor even though I was trying to cook – apparently the kitchen is my domain.
So now after a week of feeling good I’m feeling low againg and find myself looking at rentals. I feel like he’s cutting away at my soul and he doesn’t even think he’s doing anything wrong.
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I can see where you are coming from and this was how I felt before I ended it and left. I kept telling myself that it was me, that things were going to get better and that to give it a bit longer and he will change and the way he is would change towards me. Then one day I got the guts and left for the final time, in the months before I had told him to go but then let him back in but the final time I could not take anymore and finished it and left my house.
It is really hard when you are in it as you keep pushing your feelings aside and hoping that things will be better and you will find a way to work it out or to find a way to get through.
It is good that you have felt that you can confide in your friend. It is good to have someone there who will support you and listen to you. It is hard as they do not always understand as they have not been through what you are going through and do not understand why you feel like you do. Keep talking to them though as you will need them as you move forward.
Louise Hay books are good and there is also a page on Facebook which gives you daily affirmations.
Also The Secret is another one.
I really hope that things get better for you and you work out what you want and where you will go.
I left (detail removed by Moderator) ago and it is tough and still feel strange and do not understand it all.
I am just so tired and exhausted all the time and all the comments sit in my head.
You will get through this though.
x*x
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Thank you New Survivor. Well done for getting out. I’m just so angry with myself for not having the courage, but still feel so guilty for even contemplating breaking up the family. I’m not here for me any more, I only keep going for the kids’ sake, and my parents who have already lost their other child. It is all so desperately sad. I feel like a prisoner.
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Memand do not be angry with yourself. It takes time to be able to get out and you also have children to think about. One day you will have the courage and will be able to leave you will know when the time is right.
We are all here for you and do not feel guilty about thinking about breaking up your family you are thinking about your family and ways in which to make things better for them. You are so strong, stronger than you think.
I am really sorry that you feel like a prisoner and so sad. Sending you huge hugs to help you to get through.
Keep talking to people on here and letting out how you feel.
I am sure you will continue to find the strength that you have to get through each day and keep confiding.
Am here for you if you want to speak about anything and you can always offload.
Huge hugs coming your way
x*x
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