Is going to a shelter the only way for me?

[hellokitty]

It is so nice to be here, I feel not alone and gives me hope.

I have been feeling really depressed on and off since my huband started to financially abuse me.
I am a SAHM of two kids (detail removed by moderator), and his work has required us to constantly move (well paid job…for him). To make long story short, I called out on his anger problem & his sexual abuse towards me, and ever since he has been financially & emotionally abusing me. Financial abuse has really taken a hit on me and I’ve had some really dark thoughts.

Like many other people mention here, he has some decent days and they make me doubt my sanity.

Evey month I frantically sell my belongings and do some part time job online whenever I get little time, to pay for my monthly bills & kid’s socialising etc. But watching him going on holiday with mates, buying expensive hobby item while he humiliates me…I finally came to a conclusion that this is just not a healthy relationship at all and I deserve a better life.

The main reason I’ve posted this is – as an option I was suggested to go to a shelter when I finally had some courage to talk to someone from Women’s Aid a couple of weeks ago. I know this will be a big break through but this to be honest have given me a massive anxiety ever since. The thought of how angry he will be really scares me, as well as the thought of completely starting everything over, yet again, also scares the hell out of me and I really prefer I didn’t have to do that.

I know in my head that these hard dicisions are inevitable to be abuse free, but there is this other part of me that thinks “I can find a well paid job in the future and leave him “amicably”! Just hang in there!” which probably is just me avoiding looking the problem.

I really don’t know what to do, what I’m doing. Am I being a bad mother for letting kids stay in this situation and making it look like anger, disrespect and financial control are acceptable? Should I be taking them with me to a shelter straight away? I am so confused.

[Better-days]

Hi hellokity I could literally have writtthis post myself. Going to refuge was never something I was willing to do my hope is to wait aplly for social housing and then just go one day when I get a place like u it terrifies me soo so much. Am I putting my kids at more risk. i know he will make my life hell then how will that impact them. I have had to learn that this will in no way be my fault. I hope u are ok. X*x

[hellokitty]

Thank you Better-days, I’m really sorry to hear that you are going through the same situation. I hear you, it really is terrifying. Same here, going to a refuge was never my option, and it came as a huge shock to learn that my best option would be to go to a refuge with kids. Just like you said, I know my husband would do anything to pay me back ten folds if I ever did go with kids. God knows what exactly but I know he will try to make my life miserable…I read someone’s advice on other forum about sticking to “no contact” after leaving to avoid abuse after leaving, I initially thought it was sad but I think that’s what I would do. I hopw you are ok too and you are not alone xx

[Better-days]

Thanks for reply it’s very scary I have made great progress and found strength through this forum I know I have to leave at some point but don’t know how or when my heads a mess. I hope u are ok too keep me up to date please of your progress x*x

[Sungirl]

This is such a difficult decision to make. I guess you have to weigh up all the options and the pros and cons of staying/leaving. Someone once told me we often have to make a choice between property/home and our safety and wellbeing. I have 3 kids and I am also struggling with this. Husband refuses to leave the house, and insists of wanting us to try again, work on things. I can’t do it anymore but at the moment I can’t leave. I’m hoping to make a plan. Could you apply for social housing? Also have you looked into an occupation order?

[hellokitty]

Thank you Sungirl, I’m so sorry to hear you are struggling with it too. I didn’t know about occupation order so really appreciate that info, adding that to the list of exit options! That’s such a great point about making choice between property/home and our safety/wellbeing, it was a wake up call – I’ve been thinking about the material posessions, about the house, the neighbours, kids school, the town for the last couple of weeks…and gradually realising that as much as I adore what we have and don’t let go, safety, peace and wellbeing still come above all of them. “I can’t do it anymore”…I feel exactly the same way. I hope you find the best way out for you at the right time. I am looking into Universal Credit and social housing too, thank you and you are not alone xx

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