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I recently met a guy and straight away he was chatty and we got on well. People i no also no him and everyone said hes really nice and will look after me. Our first date was him cooking me a meal i thought how lovley because noone had ever done this for me, it was first time we met so was a bit nervous, he had bought me flowers and chocolate and was all so nice but his son had food with us which i was a bit shocked seems was our first date. I carried on seeing him but was mostly always me going to his house and most of the time his son was there. He pushed for me to meet his family at a local pub and i told him it was to soon for me (detail removed by moderator)i had explained why a few times i wasnt ready to meet his family but here we were going to his family home. I told him how i felt after i had met his parents and he said sorry he thought he had told me in his message we were going to the house. I carried on seeing him and just felt there was something about him, he was constantly saying how he felt about me showering me with flowers and presents but then saying how i push him away and hes still here. My friends and kids all think hes nice but for me i felt suffocated he would talk to me like im a child but sometimes there eould be little digs but then say im only being nice (detail removed by moderator) Few days ago he sent me a sarky messsge how he never knows if im ok or not so i blocked him.
Everyone keep saying hes nice and im not used to being treated nice. Is it me am i that messed up -
Hi Taylor,
You are absolutely not ‘messed up’. From the little that you exampled about his behaviour, there are some real indicators of abusive, dismissive, manipulative behaviour. Sounds like he is trying to ‘love bomb’ you and is getting frustrated that you are not responding the way he wants you to. You’re listening to your gut instincts, and we will always advise doing this as it’s most always right.
Remember that other family members and your children are not the one in the relationship, and they very likely do not see the behaviours that you do. It’s the right thing to trust how you feel about him and act on it. You also do not owe anyone an explanation to justify any choices you make.
Keep posting here to let us know how you are getting on. It’s good to get perspective and I’m sure the behaviours you’re experiencing will be very familiar to many of the other women here.
Take care,
Lisa
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You are not messed up.. you sound spot on and in tune with your instincts which is very healthy… I recognise he is lovebombing you, it can be overwhelming and disguised as ‘so nice’ .. he is ignoring your boundaries for his own needs, pushing his son to meet you on the first date must have been very awkward for you and his son… also pushing you to meet his family and making you go to their home is all part of the abuse cycle…
My abusive husband could be so nice and thoughtful to my friends/family which really messes with my head… I wish I had trusted my instincts years ago but I didn’t, my boundaries were broken by him bit by bit over the many years…
Run for the hills… he isn’t nice, no matter what others say trust your instincts as they are very rarely wrong..
Well done for blocking him… if he can contact you he will try another tactic.. he isn’t being authentic.
Hugs HFH
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You are definitely not messed up – you have a very healthy perspective and understanding of what’s happening. Well done on listening to your instincts. It would have got worse and worse. He realised you weren’t going to be down trodden and then began showing his true self and covering it with saying he was being nice. I wish I had had your insight years ago! All of what you have said shows red flags – ignoring your wishes, dismissing your feelings. We all need to trust our instincts more. My abusive husband was initially nice to family members – as he wanted to hook me in. The moment I was married, he showed his true abusive self to everyone. They always do and say things for a reason and we have to understand that nothing is authentic about them.
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