is he really changing?

[confusedandtrapped]

sorry if this is going to be really long but I need some advice as I’m really confused on how I’m feeling.
I’ve been with my partner for (detail removed by Moderator) since we were both teenagers. we have children together who are both still really young.
ever since we first got together he has been controlling, looking to see who I’m speaking to, constantly wanting to know where I am and what I am doing. he didn’t like me going to see my friends so I stopped talking to them altogether, I would go to his house every day and stay over every weekend. he had my passwords for all my social media, he gave me his passwords too even though I didn’t ask for them, I think that was so that I would be okay with him having mine.
after we had our first daughter we moved into my (detail removed by Moderator) property which is now in my name. he began to get more controlling, I had to be home every day before he got home from work and if I did go out during the day I could only go and visit my mum or my dad, and even then I would have to tell him when I arrived and what I was doing and what time I was leaving. I put up with it because I loved him and I thought we had this ‘perfect family’
he then began emotionally abusing me, which has lasted the last (detail removed by Moderator), he would call me fat and ugly and swear at me, tell me I was useless. he wouldn’t do anything around the house or anything for his children I had to do everything, I would cook for him every night and if he did not like what I made for him it would go straight in the bin and I would either have to make something else or put up with him complaining that I starve him or that I am a rubbish cook.
he would give me the silent treatment for days on end without telling me what I had done to upset him so I would just have to sit there going crazy trying to guess what it was that I had done wrong. he would always watch what he wanted to watch on the tv and I had no choice in it what so ever as everything I wanted to watch was considered stupid. he would play video games and shout at me for speaking to loud or walking past the tv distracting him. he would call me a s**g and a c**t and other names.

eventhough he works I pay for all our food on the benefits that I get, he moans if I ask him to pay for anything for our children saying that that is what I get money for, and that my money is his anyway as he pays his taxes and that’s what pays my benefits.

I told him that one day I would not put up with this any longer and that one day ill stop loving him and he will have to leave. I told him over and over again how he was making me feel but he didn’t listen, in the end I just put up with it without arguing back as I was too tired to go through the same argument and not getting no where.

(detail removed by Moderator) ago I started talking to someone else online, I’ve never met this person and only ever spoken online, not over the phone or anything else, but they complimented me and I told him the situation I was in at home. he said I deserved better and it made me think that maybe I did, that maybe I wasn’t fat and ugly and that maybe someone else would want me, having being told for so long by my partner that no one else would ever want me because I was now ‘used’
my partner told me I needed to loose weight because I was fat even though I was only (detail removed by Moderator) stone and in size (detail removed by Moderator) clothes, I lost nearly (detail removed by Moderator) stone in weight and he didn’t even notice. or if he did he didn’t say he was proud or compliment me at all about it.

he found the messages between me and this other person, he punched me and smashed my phone and I told him that I no longer loved him and I asked him to leave.
he left and came back the same day and said he would listen to how I feel

so I told him how I feel and how he has made me feel for all these years and he got really emotional and he said he was sorry and that he would change.

ever since he has called me beautiful and told me how much he loves me everyday.
I go to college (detail removed by Moderator) and he started getting controlling sitting outside in the car watching and waiting to see what time I came out for lunch and where I went and I told him that I couldn’t do this anymore and that it was over,
he took his tablets (he has strong painkillers for a (detail removed by Moderator) problem) and locked himself in the bathroom saying that he cant live without me and that he will kill himself if I ever leave him.
he said that he wouldn’t see the kids anymore if I left him as it would be too painful for him to see me. knowing that I grew up without my dad around made it worse because he knows how much I want my children to have their dad around.
he said he was trying to change and that I just needed to give him a chance and be patient.

so I have given him another chance, and he has been nice every day, his doing housework that he never did before, his taking my daughter to school which he refused to do before, he makes me cups of tea and offers to cook dinner, he took me out on my birthday which he never done before, I never even used to get a present or a card from him.

but I still don’t feel right, he makes sure he tells me how much housework he has done like I should be grateful.
he still checks my internet history and I am still not able to go anywhere without him.
I have no friends and haven’t for years but he says I can have friends now, knowing that I wouldn’t eeven know where to start to make friends.

what really bothered me was the other morning, I said I didn’t want to have sex with him a second time. he had sex with me anyway and refused to stop when I asked him to, but I never tried to move away or push him off so he said he thought I didn’t mean it when I asked him to stop.
I told him after that it was unacceptable and that could be considered rape. he got angry and upset saying that I can call him anything but he will never be that, which made me think I was maybe overreacting he said he have been together for so long he should be able to touch me when he wants to.
but since then he always asks if he can touch me.

I have never whitnessed a healthy relationship growing up and this is my first relationship so I don’t know if this is okay.
I don’t want to leave him and regret it and end up with someone worse.
I know he loves me I can see he does and I can see how hard he is trying.
but I do not love him anymore. but I’m scared of being alone, I’m also scared of staying and falling in love with him again and then getting hurt again if he changes into his old ways.

is it possible that he has changed for good? or is this just a part of the cycle of abuse?

[SaharaD]

Hello and Welcome confused and trapped

Unfortunately, it is the cycle of abuse. Be careful to clear your history at home and on your phone.

Abusers don’t wake up one morning and change.

It is not ok. Your gut instinct is telling you it is not ok but you try to rationalize it away with your thoughts and his verbal abuse.

You are being abused emotionally, verbally, mentally,sexually, physically and financially. He is not going to stop. He will just think up new ways to hurt and control and have power over you and eventually it may escalate to him killing you.

It is rare that abusers kill themselves. If they do, it’s not your fault. He makes that decision for himself. That’s why it’s suicide and not murder.

Answer to your question: No he has not changed for good and it is part of the cycle of abuse. Your relationship is abusive and toxic and it is not the best environment for your children to grow up in.

[Suntree]

He has not changed, he is changing the game to keep you off balance and give you a little bit of what you hope for, that perfect family.
The longer you stay they worse it will sadly get for you and your children.
He knows his gravy boat is about to run out, but he needs you. Who else would put up with what he is doing.

Whatever you do don’t put the house in both names. Find out your legal rights for getting him out of the house.

He is abusing you in every way.

You now need to find out how to keep you and your children safe.

If you can read about the freedom program its hard but worth it, Threatening to kill yourself is a form of abuse and control.

Do what a friend did when that happened to them call an ambulance, tell them it is on the way and walk away.

Good men help raise their kids, they help in the house, they look after their partner. They understand about consent and the word no.

They don’t rape, beat, emotional abuse, keep tabs, restrict, change the goal posts, make you wonder what you did wrong, cross boundaries, disrespect you, violate your consent
They don’t show your kids this it the way you treat their mother.

If you can’t get away for you get away from them, he is not a good dad. good dad’s don’t do those things period.

[lover of no contact]

Hi and welcome confusedandtrapped,

Can you go to your local library and use the computer there and google ‘The Cycle of Abuse’ and ‘The Power and Control Wheel’. There is also a good book if you could get hold of, where you will recognise the patterns and behaviours of your partner in it called ‘Why does he do that: Getting inside the minds of angry and controlling men’ by Lundy Bancroft. However you will have to make sure he doesn’t see you reading that.

You could also ring Women’s Aid for extra support when you need it (without him knowing it).

Keep posting and you will gain the strength to get free from this abusive relationship you have found yourself in.

[Author]

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