Is husband trying to pull the wool over therapists eyes?

[Pindal]

The anger, name calling and accusing of things I haven’t done reached breaking point (timeframe removed by Moderator), and I was ready to leave the relationship, but he promised to get help. He’s been working alone with a therapist for a few months now and although there’s been no big blow ups, the past few weeks I’ve noticed that old behaviours are starting up again. Bit of name calling, accusing and belittling.

This is the (number removed by Moderator) time he’s gone for therapy, he really opened up with his last therapist about his ptsd from his time (job removed by Moderator), and apparently he told him things he’s never told anyone before and he felt so much better. He even told me about it, it sounded like an awful experience and I empathise with him, but ultimately the abuse continued, hence him having therapy again.

This new therapist is actually ex (job removed by Moderator), and has been working with my husband for a while.

I recently had a 1-2-1 with his therapist  who told me that he’d made great progress and had opened up to him about things he’s never told anyone before…alarm bells. I told the therapist some of the challenges we’d been facing and turns out my husband hadn’t mentioned any of the name calling, belittling and controlling behaviour. He only told him that he loses his temper and gets angry sometimes.

The therapist thinks he’s made huge progress but I’m hesitant. I’m not seeing improvement, in fact I’m seeing him starting to spiral and become withdrawn. There’s a definite pattern that starts with lots of criticism, belittling etc. which begins to escalate and he becomes withdrawn and shuts himself away when he’s home. We then have to (kids too) walk on eggshells around him because eventually it will escalate to an anger outburst and we have to run from the house scared. He then feels guilty for a while and things calm down and of course during this time he is an amazing husband and dad…but then another cycle begins.

I voiced this concern to the therapist who said that I’ve lived with his anger for so long that I’m now wired to look for signs that he’s angry when he’s not now. This doesn’t make sense to me and it doesn’t feel right.

Husband also said that he told this new therapist stuff he hasn’t told anyone before and went on to tell me the same story that he’d told the previous therapist. It’s so confusing! Do I need to be more empathetic? Or is he trying to pull the wool over? Am I so worn down and fed up of living in fear that I’m suspicious and doubtful that therapy is going to help. Starting to feel like I’m going crazy and it actually feels good to write this out on here.

[StrongLife]

Have you thought about seeing a counsellor yourself or speaking to someone on the phone/hotline?

 

I am sorry you have to run out of the house. I too have had to do that in the past.

 

[Pindal]

I spoke to someone (timeframe removed by Moderator) when I was planning to leave but not since.

We’ll be starting couples sessions soon with his therapist so will see how that goes.

thank you for your reply x

[EvenSerpentsShine]

Could I suggest that if you must go to therapy, you choose the therapist, and carefully select someone who is a specialist in domestic abuse.

My personal experience is that abusers find it quite easy to manipulate and dupe therapists, and will enjoy using it as an opportunity to step up their abuse of you.

You may well end up wasting years getting through to the other side of this one.

[StrongLife]

So true – abusers can say anything- may or may not be true to therapist – you would never know. He may be lying to you as this is what they do.

 

[Author]

Posts