Is it?

[mountains12]

I have recently split with my other half after around (detail removed by moderator) years of being together.

During the time, I thought a lot that I was in an abusive relationship but would always think I’m not being physically harmed in any way so I don’t have the right to question if it is.

However, reflecting I do wonder if it was or not. Examples of things which used to happen would include him throwing things off walls if I was trying to talk to him after a fall out. He once slammed both doors upstairs so hard into the walls that they left holes in the door and wall.

Another thing he would do is often when we’d be out he would decide he didn’t want to be their and storm off, or tell me to let him out of the car. This would then end in me being extremely upset and him not acknowledging this. I would be physically crying and he wouldn’t even bat an eyelid I would be told to leave him alone.

I remember once a couple of years ago he went out into town with his friends. He broke up with me over text message because I asked when he would be home. He then didn’t return home until 8am the following morning and was completely unapologetic.

The issue I am having since splitting is that he has confessed to struggling with mental illness. He has sent me emails that he has sent to Samaritans and emails where he has spoken to cousellors and them justifying his behaviour over the past however many years.

He has now started being nice to me and I just can’t take it. Friends of mine he has now befriended and the local pub I drink in he is saying people have their ‘opinions of me’ because I have met someone new quite soon after. Yesterday I found out he has been in touch with my mother (who has then been messaging me asking why I haven’t been making an effort with him) I am also having demands for money from him out of the property we jointly own too. I felt controlled in our relationship and feel like now because he can’t control me, he is trying to control how people see me.

[Yellowflower]

Yes hunni I’m afraid to say he was abusive. Look up the definition of assault too… he doesn’t have to physically be hurting you the threat is there. For me the emotional abuse is taking a lot longer to get over than the memories of the physical abuse. That’s because they get in your head they make you so confused so lost in the fog that you lose your sense of right and wrong. It’s a classic abusers tactic to spread rumours and try and blacken your name when you split up. Your abuser doesn’t want anyone thinking he was to blame… after all his so perfect isn’t he. Please don’t take note of the emails. They can have been very easily forged as I know from experience my ex did something similar in a bid to make me feel bad… it’s all lies. Depression does not make someone abusive it’s a choice.. I can guarantee he can turn the abuse on and off when people are around.. I used to think my ex didn’t know what he was doing until I sat and thought about that statement. It shows they are in control and he chose to abuse you. Google the cycle of abuse. His being nice to you now to try and suck you back in because his realised his other tactics aren’t working for him. You have been so brave leaving him don’t let him be a factor in your life a second longer. You need to go no contact hunni. I know that’s very hard but it’s the only way this will all stop. You don’t need people like that in your life. You deserve much more. X

[Lisa]

Hi Mountains12

Welcome to the forum. Unfortunately what he is doing is very common behaviour from an abuser once you have split up, because he wants everyone to see him as the victim including your friends and family and even you if he can convince you of that.

I know it is really hard when people around you easily fall for this act, but remember that you know the real him, he certainly sounds controlling and emotionally abusive and you were right to end things.

Maybe ask your mum not to talk to him anymore and try to explain that this is typical abuser behaviour.

We are here to support you.

Take care and keep posting

Lisa

[mountains12]

Thank you both for the replies.

I feel in a state where I am really down at the moment, because I can’t escape even after breaking up due to legally having to sort arrangements with the house. We also shared a dog together but I know I need to now not see the dog anymore because he’s using the dog as a vehicle to stay in contact.

It makes me feel extremely sad and angry at myself that I let myself go through this for so many years, and even now he is still trying to control me.

[Author]

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