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He was watching something (detail removed by Moderator) but I only saw bits. Apparently it was about a convicted murdered from the (detail removed by Moderator). There was a psychologist on it apparently who said that the man had a terrible upbringing. Tormented at school by pupils and teachers for being unable to read and write then given hell at home by siblings and parents.
Struggles to make friends and keep them, estranged from family. Has lots of shallow relationships with women, no one significant until one person. That person leaves and he snaps and murders some people.
The one difference is that I am still here for now and he hasn’t had a blow to the head that knocked him out like the other chap.
He got all teary and said it was so like his life it was scary and the more he learns the angrier he gets. He feels victimised.
I said it’s up to the individual whether they decide to mistreat people or not. That just because you have a difficult childhood you still can learn to be better. He disagrees, claiming he has no control over how he is. That people just find him hard to stay friends with. Our youngest is the same so I pointed out that maybe he needed to follow the same advice he used to throw at her.
So is this his not so subtle way of warning me it’s my fault if he goes off the deep end? Or just another way he is trying to threaten and manipulate me to stay with him?
Or am I just being totally paranoid? -
My ex went on and on about having chunks of his childhood missing from his memory, how he was assaulted by a teacher at primary school too. He abused our under 12 year old son and daughter. Yet he maintained his ‘victim’ status in his head. They are pitiful and dangerous, saying stuff all the time but he consciously chose to be abusive to me and his children.
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It’s both. He’s letting you know the next time he abuses you, it’s not his fault. Making an excuse in advance. It’s also keeping you Nina stage of fear and using emotional blackmail and guilt. They always deny liability. I bet he doesn’t behave this way with others. He can control himself when he wants to. Could it be that your daughter is simply learning and copying the behaviour she’s learning from her parent? This is very common and is very dangerous. Children from abusive homes are far more likely likely to be abused as an adult. Break that cycle. X
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Apparently I am getting just like him, one of my kids who has encouraged me to find the strength to stand up for myself has now done a complete u-turn. She says I am being mean and cruel and she thinks I am suddenly overthinking everything. She says it’s horrible to see him so low, that I clearly need help for the depression I have suffered all her life and I need to get to the bottom of that. I said yeah it’s your dad.
She suddenly had an excuse for his behaviour, stuff that last week she was saying was controlling and awful.
It’s completely shaken me to my core, my sense of doing right for myself has gone. -
Your child has no understanding of domestic abuse but you do. She won’t want to accept her dad is an abuser and he’s an expert at playing the victim. My son was the same, I think he was also afraid that if I left then he would have to deal with His dad on his own. Now your daughter is feeling the effects of his acting and manipulation she wants it to stop and she sees you and having the ability to make it stop. By accepting his abusive behaviour and he gets his own way. Abusers aren’t stupid, they are master manipulators. Abuse becomes normal in families. That’s why it’s so important to leave an Abusive relationship. You are the adult here x talk to through with women’s aid x
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Hi Catjam
Chances are your children love their father no matter what. They love you too. Your daughter encouraged you to stand up for yourself but I doubt she was expecting her father to suddenly start playing the victim. I imagine she hoped for balance, not a tipping of the scales the other way.
I think you need to remind yourself and your children who the adults are. Put an end to discussing grown up issues with them. It’s unfair, to be honest. Your daughter clearly feels responsible for fixing her parents’ relationship. Have you perhaps used her as a confidante? Thank her for listening in the past but make sure she understands that your problems are no longer hers.
As for your self-pitying husband, getting his counselling from made-up telly is just silly. Whether he intended to manipulate you or not, it’s worked. Try not to get drawn into being his counsellor.
Hugs x
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