Is it abuse?

[BlueLion]

I have a daughter with my partner, we’ve had an up and down relationship for a while. In a nut shell, before we had her he had pushed me a few times and slapped me. He’d also gotten up in my face a few times as well. As always, he can be nice partner.

He tried harder and was nicer towards the end of my pregnancy. But now he still gets up in my face and it’s always my fault for making him angry. He’ll mock me for being brave when I confront him and then accuse me of making the situation worse and that he’s now in the mood to fight me.

He’s also threatened that I won’t have enough money to look after my daughter so i’ll only be able to see her on the weekends. I’m breastfeeding her and this is an issue as he feels left out.

He’ll tell me to leave and if I go okay, I get accused of being angry, cold and uninterested in him. The house is never clean enough for him and i’ve always done something wrong and he has to tolerate me to live in the same house as him. I told him I was lonely and he told me that I needed to make more effort and if I’m unhappy then that’s on me.

Is this normal? He’s a great dad to our daughter but doesn’t tolerate me. He’s having a c**p time at work but it just feels like excuses. He’s told me to leave him and I’ve agreed but now he’s giving me grief and it feels like he’s dragging me back in again.

What can I do? I have all of the debt (and it’s a lot), a daughter, on maternity leave and no where really to go. I have no money. We own our house but he says that he’ll give me a certain amount as this is all he thinks the house is worth as we haven’t lived here long.

Thanks for reading 🙁
I’m really not a terrible person.

[Racoon]

You could speak to your GP or health visitor and get a referral to Women’s Aid or similar for your area. You could also call the helpline and get some professional advice specific to your situation. Citizens advice for debt issues. These may all be things a women’s aid support worker could help you with.

You are not a terrible person. There is no excuse for abuse.

It may seem like a big leap to speak to Women’s Aid but you are not committing to anything. It could just be a chat if that’s all you want it to be. They will not push you to leave but will be able to suggest solutions to your concerns such as debt and and finances preventing you from leaving.

[Racoon]

If your able to you may benefit from accessing the freedom programme through women’s aid whilst your on Maternity Leave. My health visitor referred me to the freedom programme. It was held at a local children’s centre with crèche facilities once a week for about 10 weeks.

[Falling Skys]

Hi and hugs

Yes it’s abuse and what ever you do will be wrong and never good enough. And a good father would never disrespect the mother of his child.

Racoon given great advice. Talk to people about what your going through our silence give abusers power.

I think you so brave and bright figuring out what you are going through with a new baby. You and your child deserve a better life.

Keep posting

FS xx

[Lisa]

Hi Bluelion,

Welcome to the forum! I am so pleased that you have had some lovely support. I am sorry to say but your partner is definitely abusive. He sounds very controlling and emotionally and physically abusive. You have been so brave to post here and I know that this forum will be very very helpful and supportive so please be proud of making such a positive first step.

Please do phone the helpline and speak to them about your situation. They will not judge you or tell you what to do but they will help you to see that you have options and help you to work out what is the best route for you. The helpline can also put you in touch with your local Women’s Aid group who can provide you with lots of help and support. It seems to me that your partner is doing his very best to try and make you feel trapped and that you would struggle without him but that is not the case Bluelion, there is lots of financial support available for you if you were to become a single parent. Please do not feel you should leave without your daughter. You could go to a refuge with her and they will help you emotionally and practically with finances etc. You could also see if you could get an occupation order which would remove his rights to the property due to domestic abuse. There are lots of options for you. I also think it is very likely that he is being dishonest about the amount of money you would get from the property so please gather some professional advice. It is very true that information is power and the more information you gather the more you will feel in control of your situation.

We are all here for you so please keep posting.

Best wishes,

Lisa
Forum Moderator

[Grenache]

No I would say that is unacceptable. Just the fact that you have to think “is it abuse” really says something, doesn’t it? You have many similarities to my situation. For example, the house never being clean enough even when it is, him making me feel like he has to tolerate me, not caring and even getting angry when I say I feel lonely. We don’t have kids and he also hasn’t actually hit me (yet), but almost. He has thrown things though. I don’t know what to say about debt though, also since I don’t live in the UK but he should go to an abuser’s program, not couple counselling, him by himself to an abuse specialist. And the specialist should be one that contacts you. I would also suggest reading “Why does he do that?” by Lundy Bancroft. It helped me a lot.

[AppleNinja]

Hello BlueLion,

I can so feel for you. My situation is almost the same. You’re describing my husband! The only difference in my case is that we live in a council house and it’s in his name. He pushed, slapped, grabbed my throat, name-called and almost a year ago assaulted me.

We have a daughter and I have no money left. I have a debt, and it’s a tough call to make that decision to leave, a scary prospect without financial backup.

But you know what, take comfort in what people said on here – that there is financial help and advise available. As I understand, you get lots of support in refuge. That’s what I’ll be doing. I was scared at first but now I’m reaching the point where I just want to be free no matter the cost.

I also think that while in an abusive relationship, you are in such a mental state that things are difficult to handle and often seem unmanageable. AND you’re caring for a baby! That’s a lot to tackle. So once you’re in a peaceful and supportive environment, you’ll be able to figure out all of it, step by step.

I’ve been reading up on refuges and talked to a few people and they all say it’s a good place to be, with available help.

As I said, I’m in the same situation and I find it very difficult to handle even simple things at the moment because I feel so down. Under normal circumstances, I’d resolve them with a flick of a wrist. So, of course, something like the debt is looming over me like a leering giant troll. It seems beyond control.

What I’m saying is that these men make you feel weak and lose self-confidence in your ability to tackle things. They’re a boulder tied to our necks, dragging us down.

I think that once you remove yourself from his control, you’ll regain your confidence and you’ll be able to resolve anything and take proper care of your daughter. Refuge is the place to go.

Apple x*x

[older lady]

Is he really a ‘great dad’ to his daughter? He was aggressive to her mother when she was unborn, resents her mother feeding her, uses her to coerce her mother, continues to be abusive and aggressive in her family home and wants to dismiss her mother with a bit of cash, from her life. He wants you to underestimate yourself so that he can control you both. Xx

[Author]

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