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I have been going through this for a while but not sure whether it is really abuse.
•I was pressured into having sex when heavily pregnant
•He touches me in ways that he knows make me uncomfortable and when I ask him to stop he claims I hate him and im not attracted to him
•He used my past as a way to blackmail me into having sex by humiliating me till I can’t take it anymore
•I’m not allowed to work with certain people
•He will claim that our son isn’t his/ that I’m cheating if i dont have sex with him
•when I do get the courage to end things, he threatens me about taking our son and tells me I hate him and its all my fault because I dont want anything to change about our sex life
• He also gives me deadlines of needing to have sex or he will leave by Thursday (for example)
I’m not sure if I’m being over sensitive but im not sure i can do it anymore and I feel its abuse and I’m scared for our son to be alone with him because of his temperament. Am I over reacting? Is it my fault, should I be having sex with him? I have been completely put off because I feel like im being forced and that makes me really struggle to feel like i want to do it -
Hello 123Cali
Yes. This is abuse. You are not being oversensitive.
You are never obliged to perform sexually for anyone. Sexual coercion is a crime that comes under coercive control…
You may have submitted in the past. You may have been willing in the past. This doesn’t take away your right to say no at any time.
Creating ‘bargains’ is sexual coercion e.g it proves you’re faithful, proves the paternity of your child or proves you love him.
Creating ‘deadlines’ to perform is also sexual coercion.
Telling you that you can’t work with certain people is coercive control.
You mention that you’re afraid to leave your child alone with him. Ask yourself what it is you fear will happen. Has anything happened in the past? If he has been violent or neglectful towards your child I’m sure you know that this is serious and warrants immediate action.
Don’t threaten to leave. Don’t ‘discuss’ leaving. Your ending the relationship and leaving isn’t something to negotiate and for him to ‘agree’ to.
If you are serious about leaving contact Women’s Aid or similar for advice on how to do it safely.
Don’t flee without your child.
It sounds like you’re in the early stages of accepting whether or not you’re in an abusive relationship. So, in the meantime…
Don’t feel ashamed. You’ve done nothing wrong.
Do tell people if you can and build a support network (WA, family, GP, friends).
When it’s safe to do so, read as much as you can but leave no trace.
Keep a diary, record every incident, however insignificant you think it is. Make sure to keep it secret.
Don’t expect him to change. Don’t think you can fix the relationship. Don’t blame yourself. Keep posting. x
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123cali,
You are not being oversensitive. This is abuse.
Welcome to forum and thank you for sharing your experiences, I know it is not easy to.
I am having to take a minute after reading your post…
This behaviour is just so prevalent and it sickens me to my stomach each time I hear of it.I want you to hold onto this thought and carry it with you as you move forward-
You are not responsible for his actions.
It will likely take time for that to sink in with you but every time you doubt yourself in future, just remember that sentence and sit with it for a while.Camel has given you good advice above and I know this is really early stages for you but I too would really encourage you to continue to reach out and to seek professional support next. There is a lot of information and advice to take on board and it can become overwhelming but just allow yourself time to process it all and understand that not all of it will become clear, or make sense straight away. I’m going to put the weblinks below for accessing support, just so they are there when you are ready and you don’t have to go searching.
I do also want to encourage you also to speak with your GP if you can. I know that this is an incredibly big step but you probably are not aware how much this will be affecting you and your GP may be able to support you with managing the steps ahead. I would encourage that you book in regularly to speak with a GP, ideally with one that you feel comfortable talking to. It is ok if you have trusted friends/family to ask them to advocate for you when booking/attending appointments. I know that regulations are strict at the moment with Covid, however, allowances should be made if you need the support in order to access services. It is also sometimes easier to write things down initially when first seeking support from professionals.
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/
https://www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-abuse-directory/
I really hope that you can continue to check in with us here in forum to let us know how you are getting on, or if you have any questions.
Take care
Soulsearcher
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Hi 123cali
I think many of us will say that recongnising abuse is a long process. It will come in waves.
We recognise the bigger things first – sexual abuse or coercision, physical assaults, financial control.
Then we start to see that the little things, the stuff that we just accept as normal, are abusive too – saying what we can wear, who we can see, causing rows, drinking too much, yelling.
Most of us need support working through this process. Even if you don’t post a question, reading what other people post will be so helpful. Wishing you luck xx
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