Is it abuse?

[Questioning]

I don’t know how to write this coherently so I’m just going to list below. Is it abuse? Or are we just not compatible?

From the outside my relationship seems perfect. He’s charming, everybody loves him and we live a somewhat luxurious lifestyle – holidays all year round, dinners out, etc.

However, for months I’ve felt like I’m walking on eggshells in my relationship. I’m often criticised because I haven’t cleaned the house entirely, or I’ve said the wrong thing in front of others. I used to be a strong, decisive person but now I fear doing the wrong thing. It’s like I’m too much, and not enough all at the same time.

Ive long suspected him of cheating. His phone was always locked up, turned face down, never posted a photo of me but whenever I would bring this up he would point out all the good things he does. All the things he wouldn’t do if he didn’t love me. The amazing holidays he planned, days out, and places he took me. I’d believe him for a while, but the doubts never went away.

(timeframe removed by Moderator) months ago I went through his phone (wrong of me, I know) and found my suspicions to be true. There was hundreds of messages with different girls that had gone on our whole relationship. I chose to stay and try and work on things, but very quickly he told me I either needed to ‘get over it and move on, or leave.’ He gave me no time to grieve at all.

When I found out he said he’d done it because he wants a ‘woman.’ I never come home with something new for the house, I don’t clean up enough. He felt our relationship wasn’t that ‘adult’ but he’s the one who put all the barriers up.

He promised he’d remove the women he cheated on me with from his phone, but whenever I brought it up, he got angry and told me I was ruining our good day. I tried to make a stand and say we could no longer be together if he chose to keep them, but he just left the house for hours and took that as us being over with no bother. He never actually removed them, and eventually I gave up asking. I didn’t want to lose him.

A little while later we were at (location removed by Moderator), he said he wanted to move on and build a life but he doesn’t know if I can. I asked why he’d lie and promise to remove them when he wouldn’t actually go through with it. He told me it wasn’t lying, but a (specific communication removed by Moderator)

Recently, I caught him deleting messages. When I asked him why, he got furious and claimed it was because he was planning to propose to me – but I don’t believe that’s true.

When we argue, he shouts and calls me names. Says things I’d never dream of saying to him. So why does he stay with me? He could have any girl he wanted, and yet he puts me through this. Theres more but I’m tired. Is it abuse? Or am I not enough?

[Cherries]

He couldn’t have any girl he wanted though. Not for long. Because he’s abusive and not all will love him enough to put up with the way he acts.

Have you asked yourself, why, if you are so bad, so too much, so not enough, does he keep you around?

He says those things to destroy your confidence. To unbalance you when you are bringing up very valid (how many girls? ) points. Why? So you find it difficult to leave him. Someone with no belief in themselves is easy to manipulate.

They dont have to hit us to destroy us. They act like your partner is doing.

You’re not woman enough for him is him trying to push you into (through guilt) being the ‘housewife’ or ‘partner’ in bed he believes he’s entitled to. And when you bend over backwards to achieve perfection to gain his approval he’ll extend that slowly to everything else that’s ‘wrong’ with you too. And he will NEVER be sated.

I used to be a strong decisive person too. Seems they like to control us. Im out now and its twinkling through at times again.

Hope you’re doing ok. This stuff leaves you doubting your own sanity because it is all done with mind games shifting blame and guilt tripping, its harder to pinpoint sure. Harder to explain. They are clever and they take you apart piece by piece, so slowly until you dont even notice you are gone. And they keep going. They don’t change. Why would they its all your fault isn’t it?

Its a horrible way to live x

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