Is it abuse

[Voss]

Hi,

I am unsure if I am being emotional abused or not. My partner on a regular basis more so when we argue or have fallen out will tell me that he is having mental health problems and that it’s my fault, I caused him to have these issues. He also doesn’t eat very well and again this is on me, my fault as it links to his mental health. Example last night I made him tea but nothing for myself, not bothered that I didn’t have anything to eat and I am only small (I mean v.small) we got into an argument as we needed to lend money to fix our boiler and his words yet again his parents are helping us out, (there choice, he knows I don’t have a great relationship with my parents and he is an only child, I am 1 of 6) as we got into an argument the food I made he now no longer wanted to eat and that was my fault. He was judging me for how I would go about asking my parents for money and what I would say to him. I did speak to my parents (hate doing so) and they unfortunately, couldn’t because of certain things. Now that his parents said they would so’s not to leave us with no hot water (we have children) I told him to tell his parents no but they insisted (I should have done more he said, yet I am selfish for not pressuring my parents more to help us and also he shouldn’t have to say to ask my parents again but I should have been more persistent tell his parents no)
After these arguments he will eventually let it go after 2/3 hours of repeating the same thing at me, saying I don’t understand etc. Then except to have sex, now after that I don’t want to do something like that or be affectionate as still in my mind unhappy/ tension. A few times he has continued to pressure me to have sex even after saying no on a number of times. I end up lying there just to get it over with. I know now that, that was rape but if I ever said that to him he would just say that we are in a relationship therefore it’s not. And how could I accuse someone I love of rape.
I think more than anything, I just want to clarify if him saying his mental health and eating problems are my fault is emotional abuse. I have poor mental health and eating disorder (half diagnosed, as partner wouldn’t let me go back to finish assessment) I can’t cry in front of him as it makes him angry, even more so when we are in these arguments he will start to call me all sorts if I shed one tear.
He calls me a bad mother, yet I get up every morning and put the kids to be every evening, make tea, clean up, walk the dog etc.
He calls me selfish all the time, is isn’t bothered when I am late for work because he hasn’t got up on time and I get in trouble at work.
He will throw things at me from year’s ago that shouldn’t, I had an affair a number of years ago because we were in a place of no love, affection same rut and I was getting it off someone else. We worked though this and he choice to stay with me despite this and I have done everything since to prove I won’t do that again. But he still throw’s this at me.
He also threatens me with our children. When we had our first he wasn’t interested in doing family things of going for walks etc. his response was well they won’t remember so what’s the point it’s boring would stay in bed till 2/3pm so I did have a mental breakdown and now he uses that against me if I were to leave him and how he would tell the children it’s all my fault.

[iwillbeok]

Oh Voss,

Didn’t want to read and run…

I am so sorry you are going through this. Yes, hon, this is abuse. It can be quite a shock to realise. Please talk to Women’s Aid and keep posting on here – both have the most amazingly supportive women here to help you.

You do not deserve to be treated this way. You deserve to be safe and happy.

Please keep reaching out.

Iwillbeok x

[Tiffany]

It sounds like you are in a highly abusive relationship. He is clearly controlling – he didn’t let you go to the doctors. That’s horrific. He makes you late for work. He’s emotionally abusive – calling you names, putting you down, blaming you for his problems. I mean, abusers can cause PTSD in their victims, and abuse often makes preexisting mental (and physical) health issues considerably worse, but there is nothing in what you have written that suggests that you are abusive, so I believe that your abuser is using his mental health issues as a tool to control you. My abuser did that too – blamed me for causing his moodswings,his anger, depression. Turned out after I left that he was causing me anxiety and exacerbating a physical health problem to the extent that I was debilitated. Your partner is also sexually abusive forcing you to have sex after arguments is another common abuser habit. My ex definitely got a kick out of having sex after he had been abusing me. For years he claimed that “he liked make-up sex” but looking back it was his control of me that he got off on.

I would leave with your children. If you have custody of them when you leave then he will have to take you to court to get access to them. He can’t just demand their return and expect you to capitulate and give up your kids to him. Well he can, but that doesn’t mean you have to. It sounds like you are a good Mum, and while he might be granted access to your kids by a court, he definitely wouldn’t be granted sole custody. It’s an empty threat designed to stop you leaving.

I would contact women’s aid to work on an escape plan.

[Voss]

Thank you for your replies.
The more I have thought about it today, especially after last nights argument the more I now realise he is being controlling and abusive. So many times he tells me who he wouldn’t cope without me and wouldn’t know what to do if I wasn’t here. But then the next minute am every name under the sun. When I have a moment I will speak to work to see if I can get some time in work to call women’s aid to get the right help/ support. I think the time has come now that I cannot carry on, we have been together (detail removed by moderator)

[Lisa]

Hi Voss,

Welcome to the forum I hope you find it a supportive place to be.

I hope you have managed to call the helpline to talk this through. You have described a controlling and very abusive man. All he wants is complete control over you, these men are not capable of having normal and loving relationships.

Pressuring you into sex is rape and sexual coercion. It doesn’t matter if you are in a relationship, he is not entitled to your body and you can withdraw consent at any time.

You may want to contact a local domestic abuse service for support face to face. They could also meet you and help you to make a safety plan.

Take care and keep posting

Best Wishes,

Lisa

[Tiffany]

So glad you are ready to reach out for help. It can be hard to get through to the national helpline, so look up and see if you have a local branch too and try them as well.

I would also be prepared for your certainty about whether you are being abused to waver until you get out – it’s a natural result of abuse, and particularly gaslighting, where your abuser convinces you that you are misremembering things. (My abuser was a master of this and a lot of the time I thought I was going mad). I would suggest maybe trying to keep a list of abusive incidents somewhere safe that your abuser can’t find – perhaps at work, or set up a secret email account which you can send yourself messages in (use incognito browsers if you are worried he is tracking your internet use). I found my list really helpful to ground myself in reality even after I left. They can also help prove abuse later on, if you end up in court for custody agreements etc.

[Oliverainbow]

Dear Voss.

I’m sorry to hear you have been going through this, you don’t deserve this. He sounds very abusive and controlling.

This forum seems to be great for support and also to reach out one to one.

Please hold on to your strength and try To reach out to any support network so you can get your power back.

OliveRainbow x

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