Is it abuse?

[Wecandoit]

I’m really confused and seem to switch between thinking I have been emotionally abused by my previous partner and thinking I am perhaps being a bit of a drama queen. I recently ended our relationship due to the stress it was causing me. I was pregnant and felt I had no support from him. He would stay out all night and not let me know where he was, drinking to excess, he lied to me about paying rent and left me in debt and whenever I questioned him about things I had heard (other girls, him giving the impression he is single etc.) he stated I was being paranoid and too intense. However, I did tell him my problems. I explained how much he was hurting me and how alone I felt. He would sometimes say he understood but would run away for days at a time. I would sometimes become upset and anxious and message him more than once when he had left me, so perhaps I was being too intense at times. I ended up with no money to buy anything for our baby and he stated that we still had time and I was being too anxious and it was just part of my personality that I wanted things in place before baby arrived. At this point I was working full time and he did not have a paying job. I was referred to a mental health team and put on medication for my anxiety as my stress levels were going through the roof. (Detail removed by moderator) following the end of our relationship, I ended up in hospital and had to give birth very early to our baby. (Detail removed by moderator).  During my stay in hospital he became quite abusive through messages and I felt guilty for having moved Home to stay with my family as I had no money or support where I stayed with him. He has provided me with money to pay me back however, it is not to the amount I had given him (much less) and I am still left paying rent on my own for a shared property until we can terminate the lease. I don’t know what to do in regards to our baby. I feel he may use the baby as a weapon and I am worried about the impact his behaviours would have on baby. I did allow him to visit baby in hospital with me present however, I felt very uncomfortable the entire time. He was being very nice and kept rubbing my back and telling me how proud he was of me. Am I just being overdramatic?

[lover of no contact]

You definitely did the right thing in ending the relationship with him. He definitely gave you no support. You were supporting yourself emotionally and financially. All he brought to the relationship was uncertainty for you. His actions weren’t loving or caring for you or your baby to be. Its not your fault. You didn’t expect much but he couldn’t even give a little support, just blame you instead.Its very confusing being in a relationship with an abuser. That confusion will lessen as you read the posts on here and share as you need so welcome to the Forum.

You really are in the right place by what you’ve shared.

[Wecandoit]

Thanks lover of no contact for your kind words and welcome. I still seem to switch between understanding that the way he treated me was not okay and that perhaps I was too anxious and intense and that was too much for him to handle. I can’t seem to shake the feeling of guilt and the feeling that I am being a bit dramatic – he sees absolutely no issue with how he has behaved and made me feel like I’m crazy for not liking that he would go out for nights and days at a time and not know where he was etc. I was just so worried that one time I would need him as I was unwell during pregnancy and his phone would be switched off as he usually did when he left.

[banks]

Dear Wecandoit,

I can assure you, from the bottom of my heart, that you are not crazy and you are not overreacting – it is normal to worry about your partner and want them at home instead of going out all the time and not getting in touch. Like lover of no contact said, you did so much and he is trying to confuse you and blame you instead of admitting that he is not treating you in the way he should.

My ex promised me life together but did not want to take my home, and when i got fed up and upset and started getting angry and cry during arguments that led to nothing (me always trying to explain my point of view, hoping that maybe this time he will understand he is hurting me?), he told me we used to be great but now we argue all the time and i am a cry baby. I wanted a normal thing that i believe happens in healthy relationships, waited years for him to stop making excuses, and he still made me feel like I was asking him to sacrifice a huge thing and that i am the cause of our arguments. Taking no responsibility but trying to blame me.
You are not pushing him away. I think you are reacting to his abuse, to the fact that he makes you worried and you cannot rely on him.
Keep on reading and take good care of yourself, there is a lot of articles on toxic/abusive partners and things will become clearer – it is not your fault, I can promise you that.

Banks x

[KIP.]

Take some legal advice about putting his name on the birth certificate. It’s well known that abuse often escalates during and after pregnancy as they see us weak vulnerable and dependent and their abuse gets worse.

[freedomtochoose]

If at all possible I would follow the advice of one woman who was pregnant (and in refuge).
She didn’t put the father on the birth certificate. Ok, I guess they can do genetic testing
but for some they lose interest in the child later anyway.
That seems like a terrible thing to say, and so cynical but I’ve heard it happen.The moment he is down on birth certificate he will have parental responsilbity and accompanying rights.
ftc
x

[Author]

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