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For most of our marriage our relationship has swung from Bliss to conflict and it has got gradually worse. He wanted to have a child so I got pregnant he changed and two weeks into pregnancy he told me he was offended that I hadn’t had an abortion. When our child was born he was extremely jealous and I managed to to go be him all of the attention he wanted thanks to my parents.
Throughout he had strange symptoms and would get angry with me for no apparent reason. I couldn’t work out the triggers at all. He was diagnosed with MS and he can’t walk without assistance. After diagnosis he became more and more unstable and was eventually admitted to a psychiatric unit due to a psychosis. He was non functioning for a whole year and spent a year in hospital, care homes and a neuro psychiatric unit. He was discharged in December. He has stopped medication which was making him manic and refuses to have any contact with doctors.
He resents me for sending him to hospital and has started calling me names, telling me I’m unbalanced and a loser, he is restricting finances because I haven’t got a job (I haven’t been able to commit myself to anything due to not knowing what the future holds), he is restricting my use of the car and not allowing me to use it to see my parents or letting my son stay there either. Since he has come home he has basically been throwing everything out and doesn’t care who it belongs to.
We live in a house in his parents grounds. His dad sees the turmoil as the ups and downs of marriage and enables his behaviour. I have lost all sense of what normality is and feel as if I am going mad myself. I am only now exploring g the possibility that I am in an abusive relationship and don’t know where to start dealing with it.
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Hi NTTalk – Welcome to the forum – 🙂
NB He was ‘offended’ you didn’t have an abortion, that line took my breathe away – Did he explain at the time precisely what it was that ‘offended’ him? Last time I checked NTTalk it takes two – Guess he wasn’t ‘offended’ at all at himself – lol 😉
As with most abusive relationships it appears to me that yours is as complex as most of us. There’s never just one thing that stands out and screams abusive/abuser/abused, it is a multi tiered, gradual, over time process. It took me two years to realise my situation was far from good. My eye was off the ball – I had a myriad of other things occupying my mind – very serious things too. It was easy to overlook his behaviour when suddenly he would appear to be ‘normal’ again. He’s far from normal, he’s a monster. I became accustomed to appreciating the days when he would talk, act, behave like the friend he was for two years before I entered into a relationship with him – Given the time I’d known him as a friend and the ensuing abuse as a partner, this has stripped me of my sense of judgement in terms of working out who the good and bad people are..he fooled me 100%..and I’m no push over..or at least I thought I wasn’t.
He too, has a medical problem – not as serious as your husband but all the same a condition that he ‘uses’ to explain away his aggression, manipulation, mood swings and general horrific demeanour. He’s still young and is angry at the world, me and anyone else who has the nerve to not be ‘suffering?’ or understand what HE feels like. As far as I’m concerned he is addicted to pain meds – when I broach this his denial and defence of his addiction is text book stuff. I can’t bear him. I have no money to escape or I’d be gone this hour. There are millions of ill people in this world who do NOT behave like these people. The abuse was there before the disease/illness..embedded in their character. It’s just another line of torture and manipulation for them to throw into the mix and present as the victim. They don’t change. Only we can change. You and your son deserve to be happy and carefree. I have no children with my resident controller or I would’ve taken the Refuge route a long time ago – no way, never would I put an innocent child through the mire THEY create. The blackmail runs deep in terms of an ‘ill’ partner – I worked out a long time ago, I have no ‘partner’ HE comes first in everything and I am a by product of some description. Their illness does not give them licence to treat us like dirt..in fact it makes them more abhorrent than ever.
Sending a hug. X
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Thank you I Love Music, I am finally starting to face up to the fact that he is unbalanced and that my life is in turmoil because I am trapped in his world. Luckily he is much better with our son and adores him now.
I am trapped in a cycle of good times and bad times where the mood changes causing a anesthetic to the nastiness. I am completely confused and tired with it all. I am actively looking at all of my options and writing it all down so that I can plan some kind of leaving/escape plan.
He is now changing his tune and reasonable again blaming his nastiness on a cold. I can apparently go to my parents again and his voice has softened. I need to become financially independent and hope that now he is settling with his own business and is out all day will allow me to do so.
His mobility is bad and he cannot drive at the moment as the dvla won’t let him so he is reliant on others and predominantly me to ferry him around. He hates that too.
Why is life so complicated?
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Hi NTTalk,
Yes the exhaustion they inflict is awful – soooo draining…and of course it’s deliberate. They hijack our thinking, feeling and ability to function on an even keel – it’s completely disruptive when you look at it from a distance.
Life has become complicated by them and their demanding omnipotence over our existence. Even whilst working or whatever that doesn’t involve him, he is a constant in my mind – I’ve been brainwashed!!! LOL..help!! I reckon escaping Scientology is easier than escaping my lord and master…I have to laugh otherwise I’d become as insane as he is 😉 I refuse to engage in his over complicating of the unnecessary any more – freaks him out – toooo bad!
You’ve done the right thing reaching out to women who understand your dilemma – I felt guilty for days after admitting to anyone what sort of prison I was living in – Not any more though – I shout from the roof tops and will continue to do so until he is a memory and I am free to be me.
Stay strong, take time to formulate what works best for you and your son, don’t feel pressurised or rushed because HE decides to push your buttons…Sending strength, you will get through this! X
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