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I’m not sure if my husband is emotionally abusive or just a bit difficult to live with. We have been married for (detail removed by Moderator) years and have (detail removed by Moderator) sons. I recently started working again after (detail removed by Moderator) years as a stay at home mum. Now that I am out of the house more I am starting to realise that I’ve not been myself for a number of years.
My husband is a loud man. He is big and tall and appears angry a lot of the time. He regularly shouts at the children and always gives a harsh punishment even for the smallest of things. Everytime that I have tried to reason with him it just ends up with him shouting at me.
He definitely has anger control issues and expects complete obedience from our children.
He has never been romantic, he thinks that working hard and paying the bills is enough to show his love. For a number of years he was barely home as he was working so much.
Because he gets so unreasonably angry over the smallest things we all tend to be more quiet and careful around him. There are many times that one or more of the children have cried when he shouts, even when it’s not them getting shouted at.
He is very set with ‘his way’ and even though we may discuss things to make a different plan, he will often go straight back to how he was before.
His relationship with our (detail removed by Moderator) is awful. They can barely be in the same room without arguing. He has even once (years ago) hit our (detail removed by Moderator).
It’s like he sees red and almost blacks out when he gets that angry.
Not only are the kids scared when he shouts like that but I am too. There are so many times when I’m scared to tell him something because he will react badly. I remember one day breaking down in tears because the (detail removed by Moderator) and they cost a lot. He is obsessed with saving money. His salary is paid separate and he send some over for the household. But it’s barely enough, and hasn’t changed in over (detail removed by Moderator) years. Somehow I have managed for a long time to pay everything and make sure the kids are clothed. But with covid I have ended up with some money to pay on my credit card. He has enough in his bank to cover it, but I am far too scared to tell him.
The last few years have been very tough. As (detail removed by Moderator) years ago my mum died after (detail removed by Moderator) or so of being in and out of hospital. I spent a lot of time at my parents looking after her and being with her. I took the children too. (Only (detail removed by Moderator) away from our home) but he kept nagging at me about needing to be home as well and how much time he would need off for the funeral etc. then (detail removed by Moderator) ago my dad died, husband wasn’t quite as bad but still made a fuss about time off. Cause money is more important than me grieving my parents. Or at least that’s how it felt.
(detail removed by Moderator) ago I started working and he has continually said how surprised he is that I’m so good at my job and how much they seem to appreciate me there.
Also for the last (detail removed by Moderator) years he has had trouble of (detail removed by Moderator). It has reached the point where I have stopped even trying to initiate intimacy with him. As he refuses to see a dr.
I have spoken to my (detail removed by Moderator) about all this and she herself has told him he needs to change.
I also have recently been diagnosed with (detail removed by Moderator) and have had (detail removed by Moderator) and am awaiting the results, so am off work recovering (detail removed by Moderator) and he is home to ‘look after me and the kids’.
He is trying to be calmer, is always saying he loves me. But the good times have always been good, just the bad seems to out weigh them.
I can’t decide if I’m just being unfair to him or if he is behaving badly. -
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Hey ❤️ I didn’t want to read and run… I am also a long term married, my ex husband sounds very similar to yours…
Does your husband shout at everyone, inmean friends, family work? Or does he behave that way toward you/children?
Living with The Dominater by Pat Craven was very helpful, it explains the abuse which you are living with. My husband could also be so lovely, kind, thoughtful… but he always ended up being abusive towards us albeit after a few days, or a few weeks… he didn’t change is what I am trying to say, decades married living for the nice times did mine abd my children’s MH no good.and we are all having therapy now we are in recovery stage (zero contact).This really isn’t you being over sensitive, I also was told I was over sensitive, over reacting… it really minimised what was going on right in front of me. If you feel anxious, like walking on eggshells in your relationship then something is wrong.
Keep posting ❤️ HFH -
Hi, I was married for a long time to someone very similar. His default was to get angry and moan/blame me for whatever happened. It got worse as the years went on. The house was a different place when he wasn’t in it. I spent years scared to have conversations in case it tipped him into a ‘rant’. He also shouted and intimidated like he had no control but when I really thought about it, he did have control because he didn’t ‘lose’ it with everyone. He was a difficult man to live with and it wasn’t just with me, though he reserved his worst behaviour for me. He couldn’t keep a job but was obsesses with money. So i would be providing for him and supporting the family but he would still expect me to do all the jobs around the house and criticise if it wasn’t tidy etc. If he did do anything it ended up just being so stressful because he would start shouting that it was just easier if I did everything.
He also said I was over sensitive if I raised any issues. He never once took on board anything I said about how his behaviour made us feel. Instead he blamed me for making him react that way.
I really struggling with decided whether he was abusive. But he definitely has a lot of n**********c traights. In the end, I decided it didn’t really matter if it was abuse or something else. The only thing that was clear was that he was never going to change. He didn’t think he was doing anything wrong. And I just couldn’t think about spending the rest of my life living this way. I’d rather be miserable on my own then miserable with him.
But the reality is that now he doesn’t live with us, we aren’t miserable. In fact, it feels like the biggest weight has been lifted.
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