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TW! Possible emotional abuse and talk of addiction
Hey!
So I’ve been in a relationship for (detail removed by Moderator) years with my partner.
I the past I have made mistakes due to my addiction which I have now sorted out and in recovery.
(detail removed by Moderator) time I decided it was time to end the relationship after a year an a half of really thinking about it and realising I just wasn’t in love with him anymore,
Anyway it was difficult because we had a holiday booked (detail removed by Moderator) so I decided to try again and keep the relationship going, we spoke about communication and about the intimacy side of the relationship and it changed for a little while.
But because I moved out (detail removed by Moderator) his family have turned on me and keep bringing up my past saying I always hurt them or him. Now obviously I’m not innocent and I’m not trying to say that. But anyway we went on holiday with family and during the holiday they both noticed how controlling and selfish my partner is, and they were getting very wound up and said that I needed to leave him because I wasn’t happy and they could see I’m scared of him. Now I don’t think I’ve admitted to myself I’m scared of him but if others can see it then 💁 (just to clarify he has never been physically abusive towards me), right now I feel like I can’t end the relationship because it will all kick off again and I’ll get called all sorts of names and told I’m messing with his feelings and being n**********c and I kinda feel trapped, of course I love him but I think I need to put the thought of love out of my head, because he is controlling and I do see it slightly, but I just don’t know how to leave the relationship? I hope this makes sense and you are able to give me just a little bit of advice I would be so grateful 💜💜💜 -
Hi tigerlily,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing with us. I am sorry to hear of the abuse you are experiencing, it sounds very distressing for you. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service (open every day). They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you. You can access the chat service here: https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/
Please do keep posting to let us know how you are.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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Hey Tigerlily,
Firstly, well done for being in recovery. I struggled with addiction too in the past and I know how hard that is to overcome. Addiction isn’t a bad personality trait: it’s a medical condition, a response to trauma, and you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed or guilty about. It took me years to figure that out. It makes me sad that it’s still common to stigmatise addiction. You have done incredibly well to beat addiction. Just make sure you have some professional support in place before/after you leave your abusive partner as stressful situations are a trigger for relapse. Like my old keyworker used to say: don’t beat yourself up, there are others who did that for you, and you deserve better. You’re not anyone’s emotional punchbag, so don’t be your own!
It must have felt really validating that his family noticed his control and abuse.
Just calling you the n word is abuse in itself. That’s a typical thing abusers call us, when typically, it’s them with the ego problem! Just bear in mind too that mental illness is never an excuse, a justification or a reason to emotionally abuse someone. He knows exactly what he’s doing.
The fear of telling him it’s over because of how he will react is because you are so used to his abuse, you know the outcome, so, knowing what you know, you keep yourself safe and plan to leave safely without telling him. You don’t owe him an explanation: you certainly don’t owe him an apology, or a justification for wanting to split up: he already knows he’s being abusive because he’s doing it on purpose.
You can reach out to your local domestic violence team, or call the women’s aid helpline for support. Coercive control is an absolutely horrible type of abuse and that’s what it sounds like he is doing to you. Don’t be tempted to minimise his abuse: emotional abuse is emotional violence: it’s incredibly damaging to a person’s mental health, and physical health too, leaving us exhausted, with low energy, sleepless, aching all over. It actually does harm us physically.
You can do this. You are stronger than you think. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support as you have done.
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