Is it bad enough? apologies message is so long

[Plant-mama]

Hi there and thanks for giving me a place to write this down around what is a really confusing time for me. This is my first post here and I was signposted to this forum by Refuge.

Looking back I can see that there have been some big issues within my marriage but I always justified the things my husband would say or his behaviour due to his traumatic and abusive childhood. Ive since been told this is no excuse for emotional or psychological or financial/economic abuse.

It is a tricky one, I am not sure where to even start because i see now that this has been happening for the length of the entire relationship but i guess a catalyst was me being signed off by the dr and then eventually leaving my job and my money not being there to help ( we have (detail removed by Moderator) daughters to help support) and I have been a bit flaky with employment since covid due to mental health and overwhelm ((detail removed by Moderator)) but in as small a nutshell as I can he told me I had to take more financial responsibility to support the family as I brought nothing else to the table (I am the (detail removed by Moderator) younger daughters primary carer – no child benefit as he earns above tax threshold but I have no source of personal income/no allowance or money from him and when I was working I HAD to pay my wages into joint account and was not allowed to have pay going into my own account also had to put all birthday and xmas money gift into joint account too) and with the threat of having to find a different house to rent I was told I had to provide the difference in rent and find the deposit, he then sent me a text message telling me I am (detail removed by Moderator) and that is how the world would describe someone like me (ive had bad anxiety for a long time which has had an impact on self esteem and confidence etc) he told me this was fact. I was meant to be going away with (detail removed by Moderator) which I had already cancelled (detail removed by Moderator) because money was tight and he didn’t help with this ( he has (detail removed by Moderator) ‘lads’ holidays in the last (detail removed by Moderator) years) and he told me I was not allowed access or use of the finances for my personal or social use ( he retracted this a day or so later but told me to be careful as money was tight) when he is triggered or angry or frustrated he has been physical on occasion and can be very verbally abusive demeaning and belittling, name calling etc but when he’s calmed down never apologises never initiates a discussion unless I do and always says he doesn’t mean it it was just in the heat of the moment everyone does that. It has been rocky for a long time I have now got the stage where I have told him I can no longer be intimate due to how to makes me feel, we are still having to share the same bed which is awful I have go to bed way before him to feel relaxed but get knots in my stomach when I hear him coming upstairs but anyway on (detail removed by Moderator) he tried to initiate sex in bed and I froze, then I said ‘please dont’ he carried on touching me and i said again ‘don’t’ i tried to sit up and he applied just enough resistance that I felt the small amount of pressure against my arm, I moved his arm and sat up away from on the edge of the bed again just frozen. I was upset and cried a lot when I was away from him but still made him his cup of tea like an idiot. I took his tea to him and he smiled and said (detail removed by Moderator)” i couldn’t  reply I felt numb at this point and after chatting to refuge they’ve told me this is classed as s/a I feel so confused. I want to get this documented somehow but don’t know what to do, I told him a few months ago that I want to separate, he says he can’t move out due to his debts so I am expected to leave. I have no income and when the bank balance is low I don’t know what I can spend he has taken some big chunks out of the account and manages som how to put bits of money back into the account when needed  and has cards he can use but I have no access. All of that stuff finances how he talks to me I can see is awful and should not be tolerated accepted etc but the initiation of sex and how that played out has sent me reeling I feel sick and anxious and have not slept in the same bed as him since – he hasn’t said a word about it – I want to talk to him and tell him how its made me feel and how wrong it was Im just not sure what impact it will have and its worth bothering and also the fact support groups are labelling it sexual violence and domestic abuse and it just seems so very extreme and over the top like I m making something more dramatic than it needs to be. Have also been told by him in the past when ive said no to sex that he’s my husband and has needs.

This is very long and I appreciate anyone who has made it to the bottom of this message

[Lisa]

Hi Plant-mama,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for posting about what you’re going through. So much of what you’ve shared will ring true with the experiences of the other women here on the forum, I hope you find that the support here helps you make sense of things.

Your title asks whether it’s bad enough. You’ve described emotional abuse, financial abuse, control, sexual assault, physical abuse, it’s a pattern of abuse from your partner and that is domestic abuse, you deserve to have support. It’s normal to worry your experience isn’t bad enough to be classed as domestic abuse, especially as abusers will minimise their behaviours and abuse can become normalised in the relationship. It can take time to process, that’s okay, it’s important to move at a speed that’s right for you.

It must have been frightening when he ignored you asking him to stop touching you. It’s understandable that you’ve not shared a bed since, given that he’s broken your trust in this way. There is specialist support from Rape Crisis for anyone who has experienced any kind of sexual assault, sexual abuse, or other sexual violence at any point in their life. They have an anonymous helpline and online chat if you want to reach out.

Take care and keep posting,
Lisa

[Dreamingoffreedom]

I hate the fact that we have to ask “is it bad enough” as anyone looking in would know it is definitely not okay. I joined this forum years ago and I was told my relationship is highly emotionally abusive and as you know, yours is too. It is hard accepting it and we will yoyo between thinking it is okay and thinking it’s so wrong. They have that power over us! I’ve often tried to talk to mine about too behaviour and it falls on deaf ears and I assume your will too. Unless I’m talking about leaving and then he is going to change….

 

Stay strong , keep believing in your self and know that you are not being over dramatic. You deserve so much more…

[Author]

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