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I was a victim of horrible sexual and emotional abuse and some violence for (detail removed by moderator)years, I have a son with the perp (detail removed by moderator)
Problem is I’ve done the freedom programme twice and I’ve been in a new relationship for (detail removed by moderator) now but I’m starting to wonder wether the emotional abuse is happening all over again!
Few things I can list from recently is
– we are both tight for money at the moment, (detail removed by moderator) I’m worried sick about money can’t afford myself some new jeans right now so I live in pjs, my sons birthday is coming up, I can’t afford my hair to be done or nothing and since being abused little things like that effect me dramatically, he contributes (detail removed by moderator) a week but I feel like I’m waiting around for it he will never just give it me, and then he told me last week it’s his friends birthday and he’s going (detail removed by moderator) quite some distance which would result in a hotel, he told me when he goes out with his friends he always spends (detail removed by moderator)! So quite rightly so I had abit of a strop due to money.. I also did say I didn’t trust him but that’s my own insecurities and the few white lies he’s told me at the beginning of our relationship.. anyway, (detail removed by moderator).. anyway on the evening my best friend messaged me about going out, I said I couldn’t afford it. I asked my mum for £(detail removed by moderator) as it was only the pub and my mum gave it me but oh my god he kicked up the biggest fuss ever! Saying I’m controlling, im a hypocrite, I’m deluded, I’m puddled, he never went out because of me, it’s all my fault, he doesn’t know why he’s with me, and I literally couldn’t get a word in on/off for (detail removed by moderator)hours. He never said I couldn’t go out infact he said he’d take me but he made it very difficult. He was raising his voice and when I answered back he would reply (detail removed by moderator), I had to go into the kitchen and have a cry. He hurt me so much calling me deluded and stuff and he knows that gets to me because it’s what my ex used to say. When we split sometime last year when he booked a holiday(detail removed by moderator)and never told me we split up and I kissed someone else – I told him straight away but he even started throwing that in my face (detail removed by moderator)the whole of that day I had total silent treatment.
(detail removed by moderator). He texted me saying (detail removed by moderator) I like to be treated like a s**g in the bedroom. I’m almost speechless.
Is it happening again? Please help me -
Hi there, sorry you find yourself in this situation again. Every couple has arguments. I believe the freedom course covers boundaries in relationships. Time to maybe set some? Especially about money. You need it same day each week. Sounds like he’s getting off lightly at £(detail removed by moderator)per week. I take it you cover the rest of the bills? I think when bad days outweigh good days, time to reconsider the relationship? the fact that you are back on here would have red flags for me x
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It’s what is ok for you and clearly his behaviour is not ok. The first man that makes me cry is out the door. That’s a huge sign. He’s putting you through this grief and you’re not living together. Perhaps it’s time to put some distance and give yourself some space. Relationships should be supportive and positive x
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It’s hard when we are in it, and we are with a man who feels entitled and is selfish- but is also very good at arguing his case – to see the wood for the trees.
Cutting away all the extra detail and looking at the basics: a caring man would not flaunt it in your face that he was going out ( and entitled to) and that he intended to spend quite a bit of money if he knew that you couldn’t even afford a pair of jeans or afford a hair cut.
A good man would want you to feel good about yourself and he might feel privileged to buy you a pair of jeans or pay for a haircut for you, because he cared and would know how much better you would feel. Even if he didn’t have the money, out of respect he wouldn’t flaunt his rights to spend money in such an obvious way. It’s cruel.
But he sounds egotistical and controlling. I swear these men get high on seeing us looking beaten down and bedraggled. They then feel that they have managed to monopolise us, and that no other man will want us.
I’m also abhorred at how he feels entitled to dictate and to put you down regarding your sexual activities. Actually, if he’s not respectful to you, he deserves no intimacy at all.
What everything boils down to at the end of the day is respect. He can talk for England and try to argue his way out of things and to blame you, but the basic fact is that he is disrespectful to you, and needs to learn some respect.
Don’t be too hard on yourself about retaliating with words. Like many of us, you’ve put up with extensive abuse and you are bound to react. Indeed, other than the issue of your own safety, why shouldn’t you react? Why should we silently suffer?!
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