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I have recently stopped seeing someone, I probably should have stopped seeing him when I first started having doubts but I didn’t. I was guilty of giving too many chances because he liked me and I felt bad. I also wasn’t sure if my doubts were genuine or I was over sensitive. But the other day we had a disagreement over something so stupid and it’s only a few months in. So I was thinking nope get out. So I have I’ve told him I don’t want to see him anymore. I feel sometimes though this will always be my pattern. The relationships I get into will always be unhealthy, I just realised it sooner and got out sooner this time. But is it me? Am I attracted to the wrong men? Or am I just so used to being in an abusive relationship I don’t know how to act? Don’t even know if all that makes sense.
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Hey there. Reading your post back. The bit where you gave him too many chances because he liked you. What about if you liked him? I think we are conditioned to always put our abusers needs above ourselves and this spills over into other parts of our lives. I can relate to what you say. I used to have similar thoughts when asked on a second date etc. Now I have the confidence to say, he may like me but that doesn’t influence whether I like him or not. It’s a subtle change in our behaviour and thought pattern. We are so used to having crumbs and our confidence is so eroded. Hope I’m making sense but sounds to me like you are still in a vulnerable phase of recovery x I find now that men are overrated lol. Hang in there. Work on family and friendship relationships meantime x
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Thanks for the reply. What you’re saying makes total sense. I did like him too but recognise I should have listened to my doubt sooner. It’s all a learning curve. Sometimes I feel strong and ready for relationships and other times I don’t. I agree men are overrated lol but I also want to believe there is a good one out there for me. I think I may try counselling again as I didn’t stick it out before.
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You could be describing my actions lol. I’ve been doing the same things in a relationship, he lost his temper within a few weeks of getting together, throwing things round the room etc and was very apologetic the following day; saying how he was stressed and wouldn’t do it again. He was a lovely guy, very generous, loving etc so I forgave him. A few month’s later he did it again and that when I ended it. I knew I should have ended it straight away but he really seemed to like me so I didn’t. I think our exes have really managed to condition us into thinking this type of behaviour is okay when it isn’t and knocked out confidence so much that a little kindness is all we need to stay in a relationship.
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hey hun
confused and alone -well done for breakiing it up, the first time would of freaked me out, but get u giving him a second chance
hope spring- just follow your gut, im the same , everytime i think i find someone i like, i see something i dont like and totally back off, i dont even know what a decent relationshipo is like but i def know what a bad one is and know to always be on guard, i evaluate these guys more than they know
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Confusedandalone. You say a very similar thing to Hopesprings. “He really seemed to like me so I didn’t” this is such a warning sign to me that you too are still very vulnerable. Before my abuser I would never think to make a judgment on staying in a relationship because he liked me. It was all about what I liked. That’s the way it should be?
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I made the same mistake, when I met my abusive ex I thought he was ‘cute’ but I didn’t feel too attracted to him and actually felt quite repulsed by him on one date and cringed at the thought of him trying to kiss me. I kept seeing him because he seemed to like me so much that it felt bad to not at least ‘give him a chance.’ I was also lonely and lacked other quality dating options at the time (not that he was a quality option, but he tricked me into thinking he was). If I had felt better about myself I simply would have ended it after the first date. It still feels so incredibly anger-inducing that he was pretending to like me whilst cheating on me, the audacity of it is just breath-taking. I decided that the moral of the story is, if you find yourself pitying, feeling sorry for or cringing about a man you are dating, end it immediately because it usually means something is not right and you deserve to feel happy and excited about someone, not dating them out of guilt.
It’s great you noticed it was unhealthy and ended things. Have you done the power to change/freedom programme course? It can help get out of the pattern of dating toxic people. Sometimes it is due to having grown up in an unhealthy family where at least emotional abuse was normal, this seems to be the case for me anyway. A counsellor can also help you unpick the reasons why you are ending up with these men so that you can heal and start having healthy relationships.
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HI Hope Springs,
Someone I know had a dreadful relationship with someone who stalked her. It was an international situation.
She was really traumatised. However, she is very happily married to someone now.
She told me that she wrote a list of 40 qualities which were imperative to her. She said that this may have seemed like a tall order or unrealistic, not she said that those things were what she needed if she were going to give up get freedom again; she also said that she used it as a checklist and promised herself that she would never go against it!
She says her current husband scored virtually 100%, lol!
Seriously though, the point is that I think it’s a good idea to write down in black and white what we want, what is important and what we deserve. As we know, it’s all too easy to be weakened and manipulated. We need some objective standards which any future partner should comply with!
Well done you for having the strength to end it and to act upon your instincts. It shows how much stronger you are.
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