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I am over thinking – again. I am doubting my self and my judgments.
One minute I think – I deserve better.
The next minute – now – I think is it me? Am I pushing him to explode? Is it my fault? Do I make him so miserable that he turns to drink or drugs? Am I the n********t? Am I just playing victim? I don’t know anymore!
He says it’s my fault. He says I’m crazy. He says I make a big deal out of everything. I don’t think I do – I think every small incident brings back everything he’s done – and that’s why it feels worse.
But is it bad all the time? No. As long I don’t push him to breaking point – as long as I go along with everything he wants – as long as I don’t react to a comment – it will be okay.
But why should I hold back? Just so I don’t upset him? Just so I don’t ‘trigger’ him? How is that fair? That I can’t have an opinion just in case it offends him.
He calls me crazy – He makes me feel crazy. I will tell him something he did the night before – He will tell me it didn’t happen that way and I’m exaggerating but the more he tells me – the more I believe it. Maybe I am crazy?
He calls me manipulative. I don’t think I am – I don’t tell him things in case he explodes. Is that me hiding things from him? Maybe? I just know..
I wish I could think straight…
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That’s a lot to think about when comes to make decision on a relationship but if you don’t feel right, that means it isn’t right. I think it takes some time to find out what you want and what’s good for you. It’s okay to feel messy, since there’re lots to consider. Would you like to list out the pros and cons of leaving and staying? Take it slowly, since it can make your mind calmer and clearer, which allows you to make the best decision in the shortest time. Slowing down takes you further, also don’t forget to be kind to yourself. It’s okay to struggle, we all do.
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Thank you for responding.
I had a really bad day – massively started to over think and doubt everything that I had worked hard on to believe.
I know it’s not my fault. I know he puts things in my head – he pretends things didn’t happen that way – he makes me feel crazy but I’m not.
It’s just finding a way to leave now – which I can do.
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