Is it mental health issues or abuse?

[Confused33]

I am sorry for the potential length of this.
Been with other half for (detail removed by moderator) I am currently not in my house following the last argument we had.
He has always struggled with his mental health, been on medication for a long time. He has tried therapy in the past but doesn’t believe they helped or will help him.
(detail removed by moderator)

Throughout the relationship I have carried the entire mental load. Booked all holidays, packed for them, organised them, appointments. Before having a child this wasn’t too much of a chore as i had a lot more time and I used to be happy to do this as it meant he didn’t have to worry about it all on top of his issues.

I have always been his sounding board for his stresses and over the years this has taken its tole. I have told him that I can’t be the only one that you off load to and that he needs professional help to help him process his anxiety.

We had a child (detail removed by moderator) which he repeatedly tells me I pressured him to do, going on at him like a crazy person when he told me he wouldn’t be able to cope in the current state he was in. And now I shouldn’t be surprised that he is how he is because I caused it.

I feel like his emotional punch bag on a daily basis. I get in and it starts, he hates his life, hates his job, he has nothing to live for, life’s a prison, he may as well die as no one cares about him. His mum left him to rot, he can’t trust anyone, he doesn’t want to wake up in the morning, if he could kill himself tonight he would (I am aware that this is a serious statement, but he has said it to me hundreds of times and I can’t lie when I no longer believe this statement to be true).

He hates his job and believes that his job is the cause of his anxiety. Without his job he would be fine.

He won’t however look for and apply for any new jobs as he says the task is too over whelming and I need to sit and with him and do it. When I have tried to suggest anything he scoffs at my ideas, and is horrified at whatever job I suggest. On top of doing everything else I no longer have the willing to help him with this task. (detail removed by moderator)

Because I won’t help, I am accused of never helping him and not supporting him.

He speaks like this around our child too. When I ask him to speak quieter he refuses, says no I won’t I don’t care who hears me.

(detail removed by moderator)

I am not sure how it started but I said that neither of us are making each other happy and this wasn’t working.

He shouted at me to leave, get out. He then punched the kitchen door several times (next to our bath room) he said hes not leaving I need to go, he refused and said he was going to throw mine and our child’s clothes out the window. (detail removed by moderator)

He then left the bathroom and continued to shout at me.

I then took our child out of the bathroom and put him to bed.

The conversation calmed down but went round in its usual circles.

He blames me for his depression as well as I no longer show him love and affection, and no longer make him feel wanted or have sex with him. He says I have weaponised sex and as a man it is his natural right and urge to have sex and spread his seed and therefore by not giving him sex I am denying him.

The next day I messaged him at lunch saying I can no longer have you to talk to me or our child like he did and I needed him to leave.

(detail removed by moderator) He believes I snatched our child away from him.

I do not ever believe he would physically harm our child. And he only acts like this towards me but it is around our child.

Since then I have lived out of the house mid week and gone to my parents on the weekend. I wanted our child to be able to stay in his home and he wont leave so I have.

Since then I have been bombarded with messages ranging from saying he would die for me, love me to the ends of the earth, do anything for me. But not leave the house to go and seek help like I have asked.

He has emotionally blackmailed me with what this is doing to our child. That he doesn’t deserve this. How could I put him through this. Why am I doing this. I am being silly, why would I throw (detail removed by moderator).

He went out on the weekend, said he had loads of attention from girls and loads of opportunities to cheat but he didn’t as he just wants me. No one will ever love me the way he loves me.

I am not very confident at communicating and this is extra hard to speak to someone who is as reactive and defensive as he is. I have told him I have anxiety about coming home every day because of how he speaks to me. Have also been to therapy myself in the last 6 months to try and help me speak to him but it didn’t help.

I am now in limbo. He says this has been his wake up call and things have changed. But I haven’t seen any evidence of this.

I’m questioning whether I am over thinking how he speaks to me and if I should just go back as it’s easier.

[Lisa]

Hi Confused33,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I’m sorry to hear about your situation. what you described sounds exhausting to deal with- abusive men never take responsibility for their own behaviour and you have described how he tries to blame you for everything, puts you down, is aggressive towards you and uses emotional blackmail.

Abusive men will often use threats around taking their own life or their mental health struggles to control their partners- they want you to feel guilty and responsbile for them. They create a situation where you are responding to them and their mental health- it takes the attention away from their abusive behaviour. Domestic abuse is often rooted in misogyny- he is not entitled to sex or your body.

None of this is your fault and you are not to blame. lots of people suffer with their mental health and they do not treat their partners in this way. You are doing the right thing by putting boundaries in place- you say he wouldn’t physically harm your child but treating their mother in this way- will be having an impact on them.

You know what you have been going through and enduring. Whatever you decide to do next, do consider contacting your local domestic abuse service for that ongoing support.

Best Wishes

Lisa

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