Is it normal

[Iwantmeback]

Is it normal to feel nothing? I’ve slept in my own place for the first time last night. I feel lost, unsure of what to do next. I have spoken to my sister and a friend, they’ve gee’d me along.thank you, mo charaid 💞 I’m wondering if he’s going to work, how my dog will be if he does and how she’ll manage (detail removed by moderator). I have his works number, my dad stays close by, he could check if his car is there. I don’t know what to do,emotionally.
I have things organised for today, to keep busy. I’m scared if I start thinking, I’ll crumble and just cry forever and just unravel.
I’ve fought for so long to ‘get me back’, what on earth do I do now.
IWMB 💞💞

[Doris]

Good Morning IWMB
As you know I am still trapped so cannot answer your question with the benefit of experience but I would hazard a guess and say your feelings are all normal.
This is such a dramatic change that your head will need space to accept your freedom from the ties of your old life. I would also say you must go no contact or you will be sucked back in because you are super vulnerable at the moment. Is there someplace you could go ie. just for a walk WITHOUT your phone so no temptation but just your door key as a reminder that you have unlocked your life.
If you are in a town or city visit a museum or a cinema simply to get away. How about doing the rounds of junk or charity shops – you can buy whatever you want now (within reason LOL)? Stop for a coffee, read local notices – is there a group near you such as an exercise or reading group you can join?
You need to build up networks just for yourself excluding your old life and they do not need to be to be connected with DA just offer normality and friendship. I play table-tennis and I am c**p. I also attend college (at my age?). Go to the Jobcentre – they might be able to signpost you to Adult Education groups etc. How about volunteering for half a day? Anywhere just to meet people and give your new life a chance.
Please do not give up – you have come so far. X*X

[AlwaysSorry]

Hi IWMB,

While I didn’t leave my ex, it felt very empty once it was over and I was in a different place. Unlike you, I hadn’t planned out for things to do – I hadn’t planned on any of it that lead to it ending – so I was crying, screaming into pillows, duvets, crying some more, would only sleep when exhausted, the pain was awful and I missed him more than I’ve ever missed anything, it felt like being on high alert constantly. I would be wondering if he would be doing the laundry now that I wasn’t there to do it or if I had already been replaced. I would be wondering if he’d remember to buy food and milk for himself now that I wasn’t there to do it. I’d be wondering about our joint property a lot and how unfair it was that he got to keep it because the flat was in his name – even if I had the receipts for some of the joint property, the police would not let me take any of it, so I would focus on that for a while. Then I’d focus on who is going to help him find his keys/wallet/important work stuff that he always forgets where he puts. And is he still going to always be running late for work because of playing his games. And then the pain would shoot back and I’d cry for hours again until I’d fixate on some other trivial thing. In short, it’s normal. I’ve heard people feeling a high sense of relief to devastation to numbness and it’s all normal and depends on the person how they experience it. So I think it’s great you have things planned, but I also think the tears will come at some point and you should let them. Allow yourself to grieve, but don’t do like me and succumb to it – keep doing things, even if you feel numb or sad – the joy will return at some point. I can see it every now and again slowly creeping its way back in – you will too IWMB.
I’m sending you a big hug with hopes for nothing but a peaceful and happy future for you. You are so brave, so kind, so caring and you deserve this chance to make a life for yourself without any abuse.

[freedomtochoose]

Hello there,
Yes, you have identified you need a process to move forward.

Like the ideas of coffee, noticing the weather..you may be able to sit outdoors with a book, people-watching…

You might like to think about women-only groups also…women’s institute events? Does your local refuge have a support group?

Gardening (I did a little gardening course at first…) just to join a group..

There is time to grow herbs on windowsills..

Basil, mozzarella and tomatoes a good standby – for a no-cook scenario. Decent olive oil and balsamic vinegar…

Making bread? You tube videos…

Meditation class? Oxfam bookshop…

You are doing ever so well and a role model for the rest of us.

Don’t forget really simple things, like drinking water. You can meditate each time you do…

Also comedy you like. Amy shumer? on you tube…

thinking of you

ftc
x

[freedomtochoose]

Oh, and practice low -level conversation with people in shops…
Samaritans say ‘small talk saves lives’…

We have no idea how many people (particularly women) are feeling down right now that we meet on the street and in shops..

I simple ‘great shoes’ or ‘that colour suits you’…or similar can make someone’s day…
ftc
x

[financabuse]

Firstly, you genius for having managed to do it!!

Secondly – and this is only my personal experience (which is limited) but people, it seems to me, can get inside my head. Perhaps I let them in … I am the sort of person who even when I read a book get so lost within it, that when I look up I am initially surprised that I am not in Chicago, Iran, Sydney or 18th century Lake District (whatever the book is about)!

But if I let them in, I can’t push them out. It would be nice to be able to do that – but they root around in there like some alien parasite and for me, it takes an effort of will to keep on shutting it down and it didn’t happen overnight.

But it did happen.

I am quite interested in the psychology of it — we have made a number of strides, positive strides in being able to describe the type of mind and actions of an abuser so that some of the descriptions of n**********c behaviour are almost carbon-copy to what is going on … it is that good. The understanding and the delineation of n********m has been so very helpful.

But I think we have limited research at present into the mind of the abused. And I understand that because it could become perilously close to being something akin to victim-blaming if one is not very, very, very careful. Nonetheless I think it might be helpful to better understand oneself, if that were possible, without doing greater damage.

I think you are doing well. I think perhaps it won’t exactly be a miracle-change but I think there will be moments that do suddenly feel like an epiphany, a real shift in perspective has happened, I think other parts will feel like hard slog … I think it is a mixture. Not always euphoria and relief. Not always misery and vulnerability. But always better.

I found it hard to kick that person out of my head. The phone would go and like some automaton, I was almost programmed to have to pick it up … against my own will, even though I also knew it would simply entail a whole load of abuse down the phone until it was finished and he put the phone down. Those 1960s films of brainwashed spies acting after hearing a codeword somewhat sums it up!!

It doesn’t make any sense and that is why ‘no contact’ can the best option in my view, if possible.

I hope I am not being unhelpful. I am sure everyone has their own journey but I think you must be doing brilliantly and I suspect some of the regular posters here will REALLY be able to help you with their wisdom and insight.

[fizzylem]

So good to be reading you’re out!

You are in a new place, with a new life – problem is it’s empty at the mo with the exception of the friends and family you will still / always see – which you can do more of now and feel free to do so! Hooray!

So it’s really about relaxing and doing what you want to do now and slowly but surely you will gradually fill your life up with only the people and things you want to do.

Naturally you’re seeing those you love today – great!

Of course you will look back, as there is not much planned for the future yet or stuff going on in the present – this will change.

De-stress IWMB, savour the simple pleasures, look forward flower x*x

[fizzylem]

Oh yes, strange thing about these abusive relationships – even though we dream about getting out for so so long, we still need to mourn the losses once it’s gone – so give yourself time to reflect and be with how you feel, and like all losses, do whatever it is you need to do to get through it. Help yourself and be kind to yourself always. Big hugs to you today xx

[Fudgecake]

Hi IWMB,
It is normal to feel numb, panicky, vulnerable and anxious but also to feel happy and relieved too. You have just removed yourself from a situation where your complete focus and life revolved around him. Now there is a huge void that will make you feel lost. It’s been a little while now since I left and I’m still coming into land but I’d never go back. It’s not even him now that I’m missing, I just think it’s the years of conditioning that plays tricks with our minds.
It took along time for the abuse to build to a point where you left so it will take a long time to start to feel yourself again. But it will happen. Don’t be too hard on yourself and expect that you’ll be able to do everything all at once. I’m afraid I’ve been guilty of that recently and my mind just isn’t ready. Take time to heal, rest and enjoy the stillness of your safe surroundings. x

[Shaz]

Hi there

I can only agree with the other ladies.. it takes time.

Both times I thought i would instantly feel better, being away from the noise and the criticism etc.. but of course I had just added to what I had to take in.. i had left my house, my husband, my marriage, my life as I had known it. That’s a massive change. Added to the fact that we have been under severe amounts of stress and anxiety and depression for ages- you can imagine all the mixed emotions and feelings. I have been out a short time and yes I admit my life feels empty when I am not working. I have to start to fill it up again. But actually,before, my life wasnt filled with things for me, it was filled with anticipating his actions, his next move, what I would be accused of next.

Now I am not, and neither are you. Taking time to heal is the biggest thing here, and that may mean that you feel nothing, feel miserable, feel anxious. Its all part of the process.

Do keep posting, really keen to hear how you are getting on.

Ps- activity wise, I go for lots of coffees and whilst there I study some ancient history or something like that. Its great. I think they will be asking if I want my usual soon!
I also am slowly taking up exercise again and of course when the weather is rubbish, netflix!

X

[KIP.]

Here comes the rollercoaster. You’re going to experience everything from numbness and shock to fear an panic. At one point I nearly went to his favourite pub to track him down because that way I knew he wasn’t out looking for me. It’s all bizarre. Youve left your comfort zone so it’s going to feel strange for a while. But you’re like a caterpillar in a cocoon and soon a beautiful butterfly will appear and fly free. Just keep going taking baby steps x he is familiar to you so you will crave that familiarity but it’s simply not safe x well done for taking this big step.

[Anonymous]

Hey, IWMB – I’m so pleased to hear you’re out!! 🙂

As you know, I’m not that far out myself.

The first few weeks for me were hideous. I doubted myself, didn’t know what to do with myself, missed him, wanted to go back, couldn’t sleep, couldn’t work, had panic attacks.

I posted on here almost daily then and you were probably the person who helped me the most, so post away, pm me, whatever it takes.

Believe me when I say that the way you feel right now is all part of the healing process. It does get better, although at times, you’ll think it wont.

Keep busy, I cleaned, decorated the house, moved furniture, visited people I hadn’t been able to see for ages, caught up with people online. I had a few people who I called every single day to rant and rave. My mum, who I have never been that close to, has been fantastic. I’ve called her pretty much every day, discussed the same old stuff to the point that her ears must have bled.

And his bail conditions meant we had to go no contact; that was really important for me.

But I won’t kid you, it still hurts. I’m not ok yet, but I’m going to be!

One day, you’ll be through the other side and be even more brilliant at helping others like you.

You can do this. You know you can.

Much love x

[lover of no contact]

I am so delighted for you IWMB. You are amazing to have left and congratulations having your first night last night in your new place on your own without his pestering, groping, hostility, I could go on and on.

Just take it One Day At A Time. Don’t look beyond each day. Focus even on each hour and what you can do each hour to self-care. Even take it one minute at a time. These low feelings feel overwhelming at the moment but trust us on here they will lessen and it is the best thing ever not to be on the receiving end of being treated so badly.

Keep posting daily as much as you need. Its the only way to get through it. And your posts will help other ladies on here.

You really have done amazing. Its the hardest thing ever to leave an abusive relationship imo and you have done it!!

[Woollymammal]

Hi IWMB,

I’m so pleased you’ve finally got out, you have been there so much for everyone on this forum..You have made so much sense to me..
I’m sure you have been through every emotion throughout your abuse..Now it’s time for you, more than likely your body doesn’t know how to react now as your so used to be on high alert ..
Perhaps it’s your mind giving you a little peace, to maybe try and deal with the new emotions your going through..
I’m not sure if you wrote about your abuse, if you did it may help to read it when you think of him, …
You’ve made the biggest step now, try to take small steps to Start your new life, search for the things you used to enjoy.. try to have friends around… it’s going to be very difficult emotionally… I’m thinking of you, as we all are..
We are here for you, sending you big hugs..
X*x

[diymum@1]

firstly IWMB i know you are strong enough to get through this part of the journey – its the adjustment to big changes in your life, but for the better. please dont feel the guilt we sometimes feel when we leave because we know that weve hurt someone but it was for very good reason – for an abuse free life/a free life. once you start to feel this sense of freedom tho and savour that there is no going back. this will take time but you will get there – i know you will knowing you xx

look forward now – i think you have so much to offer to many other women in this situation – you are a true master at getting everything so organised under such extreme circumstances – you honestly are an inspiration and i take my hat of to you. im so proud of you x*x much love diy mum xx

[Iwantmeback]

thank you from the bottom of my heart for all your kind and wise words too. It’s true, I am panicking at times, if I listen to it, I know it’ll end up in a panic attack. I know the signs and have faught them for years. I’ve gone up to our house, checked he’s not in, to let our dog out. It’s her I’m thinking of not him, but I am scared he comes in, so realistically I’m going to not have to do that too. Plus seeing them is breaking my heart more, but it’s calming seeing they are okay.
Deep breathing is helping, I believe in meditation and mindfulness but am struggling, will go back to basics and just try deep breathing to begin with again. Baby steps😄
I have so many written journals some dating back a decade. A DECADE, and all I see is the same old same old every time😒
I’m in temporary accommodation through WA, so it’s furnished and so easy to keep clean. None of his clutter anywhere🤗 I think living in cluttered surroundings does eventually harm your well being especially when you can’t tidy it away or whatever, for fear of being accused of ‘moving his stuff again’. I’ve a huge pot of soup on the stove, so that will keep me going for a few days.
It is a massive change walking away from the life we knew, our familiar surroundings, but I am a #21stcenturysuffragette, and I’ve got this. The end justifies the means💜💛💚
I’m still taking my phone everywhere with me, cos he used to go ballistic if I didn’t answer, but now I’m thinking what if someone else is trying to contact me and they might worry if I don’t answer. Always putting others needs first, aren’t we?
DIY, I think I’d have been a great asset in the war, with my meticulous attention to planning and details😄
Best wishes IWMB 💞💞

[Shaz]

Hello

You are doing so well. I read your other post about not being able to offer support as much as you used to, its ok, you have helped us all no end. Now its time for you. I hope you have seen by the number of comments that we are all thinking of you and wishing you well. You should know how much your support has meant to me, for one.
I am now inspired to go and buy some flowers for my place, and make some soup! See- you continue to inspire!!

All the best, stay strong, you can do this!

Shaz xx

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