Is it okay to pretend until you can leave?

[Lionking]

I’ve told him I’m leaving and I’ve told him why (his abuse). We have kids and I’ve nowhere to go until a relation of mine comes into money soon. He is making my life miserable unless I agree to give him another chance. I agreed previously just to get him off my back but couldn’t keep the pretence up.

I’m back where I was before. Daily manipulation, harassment, pleading, promises, constant advances of affection and intimacy. I don’t believe him and I don’t think he will change but I can’t bear to live like this every day.

He says things in front of the kids that make me look like the bad guy, like he wants to try and I’m throwing it all away.

Is it so bad to just put on the blinkers and keep my eye on the finish line?

Anyone else in a similar position?

[Sad and alone]

Yes I can associate with this.
We’ve had a couple of conversations where it ends with the seeming agreement that we will split up. He flits between telling me to go and then saying he doesn’t want to split up. I’ve told him I cannot get past things that have happened before and don’t think it’s fair to be spoken to the way he does. I worry he may hurt me badly one day when I push him too far. He’s never flat out punched me but has gone to headbutt me more than once, put his hands around my throat, and thrown me into things or on the floor.
The most recent time I said I can’t see any option but to split it was awful. He wasn’t happy and was shouting a lot. I went to bed and the next day we were just carrying on as normal. Like nothing had happened. I think I panicked as I don’t have a plan and it was very overwhelming. And then it’s easier to just slip back into “normal” life. He hasn’t acknowledged it at all, or said what’s happening now, whether I’ve changed my mind, and is still talking about things in the future. It’s very confusing. And I guess I am pretending everything is okay, or that I’m going along with whatever he wants, until I can figure things out. This includes having a better idea of my rights and what I’d be entitled to, reading more about the whole topic of DA, and seeking advice/confiding in someone.
If you haven’t already try and read something like Lundy Bancroft’s book. I’ve just started but already feel a little stronger somehow. Maybe it just helps spell it out and explain it. I don’t know. But there’s nothing wrong with “pretending”. You’ve prob been doing that for a good while anyway.

[minimeerkat]

it takes a lot of strength remaining in a situation like this (i did for 2 years)

the only thing that might help is if you try as hard as you can to just focus on yourself & your children – concentrating on your normal routine as much as possible

and i know its really hard to hear the nice stuff, the hopeful & tempting things they say but it sounds as if you are aware of just how much he is attempting to manipulation you

it helped me to see the truth of what it was all about, what my ex was trying to do because it certainly was nothing to do with his feelings for me – it was purely about retaining control.  this gave me so much confidence in my decision to continue with my goal

there will probably be better days than others so on a particularly difficult day reach out to those who know exactly what you are going through for much needed encouragement & support x

 

[Author]

Posts