Is it or isn’t it? Opinions greatly appreciated.

[Bluebean]

I’m so confused. I don’t know if my marriage would be considered abusive, or if it’s just a bit insensitive/domineering/annoying…

My husband is a devoted father. He is currently very devoted to making sure I’m happy and the kids are happy. He supports my work. We work as a team with parenting and are on the same page when it comes to childcare.

However, there have been a few things over the years which might be red flags?

We met when I was (detail removed by moderator) and he was (detail removed by moderator), so there is a 15 year age gap.
I had recently been raped and was pretty vulnerable. Things moved fast – he told me he loved me within a month and I had moved in with him within (detail removed by moderator)

After I moved in with him, he was distant with me for a while, but soon warmed up to me again.
We had a fun relationship, but it was quite argumentative sometimes.
During one argument, he grabbed me and pinned me against the wall. This was (detail removed by moderator) and he hasn’t done anything like this since.

He was happy to spend time with my family, but we did see them quite a lot. He would sometimes give off a negative vibe when I mentioned seeing them.

He loved spending time with me. He would sometimes get a bit grumpy if I organized to go out without him.

He moans about my family all of the time. He has even suggested I don’t see them any more. I have complicated relationships with my family and my parents have caused me a lot of damage… so maybe he’s just protective of my feelings to do with them?

He bigs me up to others, but has embarrassed me in front of them too. He once made a big deal about how disgusting some food was that I cooked, when my best friend was over. A couple of times he has got cross and briefly snappy with me in public.

He likes being teased himself and he teases me a lot. The main topic of his jokes is my voice (He will do an impression of it) and how I don’t have a sense of humour.
He will tell new friends that I’m a bad singer.
He will sometimes tell me that I mumble when I talk and no one can understand me (he is the only that says this… everyone else seems to understand me fine).

He used to correct me about something every day. How I chopped onions, how I cleaned the loo etc… He doesn’t really do this any more. He would do it in a positive way as though he was helping me.

I told him I was raped and he was very upset about it. A few months later I was struggling with it all and he said that it wasn’t in his life plans to have all this drama.
Even knowing that I was raped, he once pressured me into sex when I told him I would be late for work. He felt bad afterwards.
He also put his hands around my throat once during sex, without prior discussion.
He also would regularly just grab me between the legs, even though I acted uncomfortable. This behaviour didn’t stop until this year, when I told him not to do it anymore. He was mortified.

He will make decisions for me in my best interests. When i was pregnant, He told my mum I wouldn’t be going to hers anymore until after our baby was born, because the stress wasn’t good for me.
He told her to leave when I was in labour.
He has told multiple people recently about my PTSD. All of these things he didn’t consult with me first, even if they were potentially the right decision.

He’s never nasty to me or calls me names, but he has jokingly told me I’m boring before, when I’m mid story. He once said it quite angrily at me which made me cry.

He did put a tracker on my phone when I was pregnant, as he was so worried about my safety… He wasn’t bothered when the tracker broke and didn’t try to have another one installed.

These days:we rarely argue, but when he has got cross he has head butted the kitchen cabinet, slammed his hands on worktop and slammed the doors so hard there are holes in the walls. A lot of these times he wasn’t actually cross with me.
I’m not scared of him but I do feel nervous when he does this.
He does go on about how high his sex drive is… which makes me feel pressure, but if I say no then he accepts it.
He regularly praises me and tells me I’m strong.
He has apologised for not supporting my healing after being raped and seems to be very much supporting me currently with the therapy I’m doing. I go out without him to see my mum and sisters. I have my own bank account.
We enjoy spending time together. We had a chat about some of his behaviours the other day and he didn’t deny it and was sorry. He did have explanations for it all though which did make sense to me. His main reasons for his behaviour was his anxiety over safety and my mental wellbeing.

During a low point the other day, I mentioned divorce (no idea why) and he said “where will you go? What will happen with the kids? I don’t think you are mentally well enough to look after them on your own.”

We have talked about that comment since and he said that he was just worried about the practicalities at the time.

I feel like this behaviour was more intense in the past and even then was quite spaced out. We have a lot of good times and at the moment the good outweighs the bad.

[HopeLifeJoy]

Hi and welcome Bluebean

Your husband reminds me terribly of my abusive ex.
I’m sorry to say that all this behaviour on his part are subtle controlling tactics disguised under the excuse of protecting you when he is actually undermining you slowly but surely, his aim is to discredit you as a mother, as a human being and to credit himself as the perfect father.
It wouldn’t surprise me that he is after full custody of your children, he is already very credible even to you own eyes, this is his ace card, he will use it sooner or later.
He will smear you to all officials, telling them you are mentally unstable, whilst you will be left in disbelief and distress he will move incredibly fast to make himself knows as this great competent father. Since everyone always saw this side of him he will be believed.

You’ll have to outsmart him. Stay strong, calm and see through his manipulations.

I would advise you to get support from women’s aid to start with, call them, the number is on here and read up about the cycle of abuse, abusive power and control, coervice and controlling behaviour.

Get educated and support to see through his games and intentions.
Don’t confront him with your new found knowledge or talk about anymore divorce, he will just change controlling tactics and hide his assets.

Please absolutely stay in touch with all your family and friends, don’t let him isolate you, as isolation is very fertile grounds for abuse.
Record and keep safe any abusive occurrences from now on, to gather evidence for the future.

Keep your routine as is whilst you educate yourself about domestic abuse and gathering support.

Sorry its a bit more than an opinion…he’s just this carbon copy of my ex and want you to be fully aware of how fast he could turn against you even when everything is fine.

Keep posting
Sending you strength

[Bluebean]

Hi HopeLifeJoy,
Thank you so much for your response!
I really appreciate you taking the time to write all of that.
I fear you might be correct… alongside saying WE are doing a great job at parenting,he often tells me what a great job HE is doing at parenting. If he’s looked after the children whilst I’m at work, a few times he has said “it’s chaos looking after both of them in public on your own, you wouldn’t be able to do it” alongside telling me how successful it was for him to do it, even if he found it tricky.
When my eldest was tiny, if he fell off something, my husband’s reaction would often be “what did YOU do?!” Which I found really stressful and hurtful. He even did that at a pub in front of people once. He doesn’t do that anymore though.

He says that he is nothing without me, I’m the best person he could ever have, if we ever split up that would be it for him, he’s so lucky etc.

He has sometimes used phrases like “i chose you” in reference to us deciding to get together, which I find quite odd.

He is pretty friendly most of the time, it’s just when I write down his behaviours I start thinking they sound a bit strange.

[Bluebean]

Ps obviously he could be doing the above because he’s trying to prove himself to me… He told me the other day that he often feels not good enough for me, so maybe he is praise-seeking? I don’t know

[KIP.]

Have you had counselling and have you discussed his behaviour with a counsellor. The rape and trauma of the rape will have left you extremely vulnerable to abuse and I fear this man has taken advantage of your vulnerability. The good things he doesn’t should not excuse or outweigh the bad. The bad should never ever happen. Ask yourself if you would behave that way? I fear your PTSD is due to his behaviour. Find a good therapist. Or ring the helpline number on here x

[Bluebean]

Thank you for replying KIP!
I have just started CBT this week for trauma and my current PTSD/anxiety. We are currently at the stage where I’m talking through all of my traumas,so maybe I should mention this next week?
I don’t want to make a big deal out of it if it’s not really that bad. I feel guilty for complaining about him… but I think I will defintely talk it through with my therapist.

Thank you.

[scaredycat]

It sounds very concerning to me bluebean. I’m very new here and still understanding the dynamics of these men having recently run away from mine, but it is interesting because my abusive ex also used the fact i had previously been raped to undermine me, told other people about my sexual history without asking me, criticised lots of small things all the time, constantly told me he couldn’t understand me because I talk too fast….and had me convinced I was seriously mentally ill with amnesiac gaps.( I’ve now realised this isn’t the case by the way.)
Also told me to stop seeing my parents and got angry if I spoke to my kids at uni…do you see what I am saying? it does seem to be all a kind of pattern and you will just be feeling worse and worse.
Is there a good friend or family member you can confide in who knows you well? Also follow your gut. Something inside you knows what is really going on. Can you find that inner voice?
I think writing down incidents as hopelifejoy suggested is a good idea too. I recently found some that I had written ages ago and was really shocked by what had become normal. Reading it back can be quite an eye opener.
Take good care.

[Flowerchild]

Blue bean darling, your husband is certainly talking himself up, isn’t he? I wonder whether your gut feeling is because his actions aren’t matching his words?

If you have a journal, why not take a double page and start noting the things he claims to be on one side and use the opposite side for recording evidence from his actions that either backs up his claim or doesn’t?

Mine used to insist he loved me, but I learned to ask myself and him the question, “Really? How would I know that? What evidence is there of love?” And sometimes it boiled down to the fact that there were worse people than him and he’d never put me in hospital! I used to call it his ‘Be grateful I’m not an axe murderer’ defence. Whatever that showed, it wasn’t love!

Words are easy. Actions are what really count. Look at his actions to judge the truth of his words.

Flower x

[Bluebean]

Thank you for your message Flowerchild.
I think I will do a chart type thing like you suggested, as it will make it clearer in my mind.

I feel very conflicted and confused!

[Author]

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