Is it partly my fault ?

[Caledonia6]

I’m thinking of possibly going into a refuge and breaking the cycle of abuse. However, I’m racked with self doubt. We can be very close and have a laugh and tease each other.
I’ve also argued with him so is his behaviour partly my fault?

It’s weird but it’s like I know when we we can argue over something and when I need to be quiet.
(detail removed by Moderator) he was annoyed his (detail removed by Moderator) on his way out of the room he air punched the wall and said he was going to go mad.I started feeling very anxious at that point. (detail removed by Moderator) he kicked the (detail removed by Moderator) because I wouldn’t switch off the television.my son said it was my fault as I should have done what his father said.
He’s also threatened to one day throw his phone at me. He has hit me in the back when I had my back to him in bed. Thrown water over me in an argument.
How can he be so nice and then so awful ?
I’m so mixed up I want to leave but scared to make the first move

[Anonymous]

Don’t doubt yourself it isn’t your fault .they have a good way of making us feel at fault and doubt ourselves. They can be nice which then confuses us and make us think it must be us.
What ever anyone does or doesn’t do doesn’t justify violence.he is responsible for his own actions not you.

[Caledonia6]

Thank you it helps to know other people know what I’m going through.

[Cloudy]

I really resonate with your post, this is something I’ve also been struggling with massively too. I also feel almost ready to leave, but finding it hard due to the feelings of guilt and like I’ve caused the things that have happened.
Trust your instinct, nobody should react the way he does and you shouldn’t feel scared to do something wrong.
Hope you’re okay x*x

[Allornothing]

There shouldn’t be times when you get on and then times where you feel fearful. Everyone has their ups and downs but when you are made to feel threatened, something isn’t right. I am sure others would agree that there were happy times, possibly right up to the point of thinking enough is enough. Don’t let the gaslighting affect you, stay strong and prepare yourself for making that move when you feel the time is right. xx

[Sad and alone]

I’ve found it’s called a cycle for a reason but it is exhausting. I totally get what you’re saying as I’m the same. We will have a laugh about something, all seems like a “normal” relationship, then something will upset him, usually something I have or haven’t said or done, and he gets angry and abusive. And I think I’ve caused it, or even that this is part of a normal relationship, particularly a very long term one like mine. Like, is this just the way things are when you’ve been together a long time? I don’t think it should be. A lot of the time I tell myself to be quiet and just say anything that’s going to diffuse the situation but other times I end up arguing back because I can’t bear him saying the stuff he does about me and I’m just taking it.

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