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I am new to the site, it has taken a while for me to build up the confidence to post but I have been inspired by the stories and journeys shared by so many on here so thank you.
I have been having counselling for a while which has brought up some challenging issues which I have been struggling to come to terms with. I have been married for a long time and as I have been looking back I have realised that my relationship has been difficult for a long time. I have never had great self confidence but over time this has been eroded more and more. Because of my lack of self worth I don’t have a support network, I have no one to talk to about difficult things, my coping mechanism has been to adjust my behaviour.
I was wondering if it is possible for someone to change if given the chance?
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Hi.
I have similar coping mechanisms.
So that answers your initial question…is it possible to change? Absolutely. But it’s hard, you really have to want it and it’s not quick. Takes a LOT of work.
What I’ve found to be not possible is changing someone else. It’s hard enough to change me and I know my deepest thoughts and insecurities. I am with me 24/7.
The answer for me is to build my self worth. A hard truth I have had to swallow over the years is that it’s not all them. There’s something about me that screams it’s ok to treat me like sh*t. If I don’t value and respect myself…why would anyone else right?
That’s not to say we deserve this stuff…more…there’s a reason why we stay. Why we tolerate so much for so long.
As I’ve done this work I’ve come to realise my current partner is not the Knight in shining armour I thought him to be. As I like myself more, I see his disrespect and manipulation more…and I accept it less. Bend myself to fit, less.
So start there. Always start with yourself. Not by making yourself smaller and more biddable to others, but by making yourself more likeable/lovable/worthy to yourself.
It’s not an easy path but my word it’s worth it x
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Hi Galanthus,
Welcome to the forum and thank you for your post. I hope you find the forum a safe and supportive place to be with others who understand.
If you need any guidance on using the forum you can find this in the Forum Guidelines and FAQs. If they don’t answer your question then please feel free to message me.
If you feel like you are in need of some additional support, you could chat to a Women’s Aid worker in confidence via our Live Chat service. They won’t tell you what to do, but can discuss your situation and signpost you to other support that’s relevant for you.
Do keep posting to let us know how you’re getting on.
Best wishes,
Lisa
(Forum Moderator) -
Hi Galanthus, i think Cherries has summed it up perfectly, changing ourselves is possible with loads of work and motivation, but changing someone else. We can’t and should we want to?
Just to be a bit geeky about it all, there’s fairly patchy research at the moment it seems about domestic abuse, but it is growing.
Several studies on men who are incarcerated for domestic abuse show that a percentage have mental health problems, n********m, borderline personality and antisocial personality disorder (psychopath to you and me) and they divide up (depending on the study to around 15-20% of perpetrators have each of these disorders, a bit less for antisocial as you’d expect. But these are, you might say, the extreme end of the abuser spectrum.
These personality’styles’ or whatever you want to call them are very fixed, they’re not really capable of changing.Other experienced practitioners, like Lundy Bancroft prefer to consider that most abusers don’t have a mental illness and choose to abuse for all kinds of other reasons. But, he still concludes that change is rare and very difficult for these people.
will post this and carry on in another post do I don’t get timed out…
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I think that many people think that labeling your average abuser as mentally ill, is to miss the point about people having free will and making choices about their behavior. I tend to agree, in that many abusers are only abusive to one person and can manage to ‘control’ themselves and behave perfectly well with everyone else around them. Often, in fact, being charming, likable and popular with everyone else, while being despicable to their partner.
But, practitioners like Lundy Bancroft who has worked for many years in programmed for abusers also comments that change is unlikely and if it does happen it’s as the result of many years of long and painful work on the part of the abuser.
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Hi all,
Just to add to what EvenSerpentsShine has shared here by explaining Women’s Aid’s stance on domestic abuse and mental health.
Women’s Aid believes that domestic abuse is a gendered crime and is about power and control.
A lot of women believe that abuse is caused by their partner’s mental health condition (for example, their partner might have bipolar disorder, depression, anxiety, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), n**********c personality disorder, borderline personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder). While these are serious mental health conditions, they do not cause abuse.
As EvenSerpentsShine has highlighted, if the abuse were caused by mental illness, a perpetrator would also be abusive to family, friends and co-workers. Instead, they are choosing to abuse a specific person or people and are capable of controlling their behaviour elsewhere.
Abuse and mental ill-health can happen at the same time. There are people who have mental ill-health and are also abusive to their partners. There are many more people who experience mental ill-health and are healthy and supportive partners.
Even if a perpetrator does have mental ill-health, there is NEVER an excuse for abuse. Abuse is a choice someone makes in order to maintain power and control over a partner, ex-partner, family member, or someone they are carer for.
One of the big reasons why perpetrators don’t change is that their underlying beliefs are that they are justified in behaving the way they do. This, coupled with perpetrators not taking responsibility for their behaviour, mean that there’s no motivation to change. Unfortunately, our experience is that even when perpetrators make token efforts or promises to change, the reality is that this is to allow them to keep their control and is only temporary.
Take care and keep posting,
Lisa -
It’s an interesting thought Lisa about motivation to change, and lots of conversations on this forum which expressly or accidentally point out all the benefits that abusers get from being abusive.
It seems to me that abusers are capable of changing, but only really from the pressure from a united force of the whole of society, including force (the law) being used to back it up. -
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