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Hi all,
I’ve never posted before but I have been reading the forum for about a year. You have all given me strength at some very difficult times.
I have been in an abusive relationship for well over (detail removed by Moderator). We have one young child together.
It’s mainly emotionally abusive – control/ shouting but there have been several violent incidents over the years. Although it’s usually threatening more than full on violence – hand at the throat, throwing things etc.
Anyway, I have finally told him it is over and he has said he will give me some space and move out shortly, while I sort out somewhere to live.
I don’t really believe this is going to happen – the problem is I always end up feeling sorry for him. I’m worried that he will feel like he has lost everything if we leave, he doesn’t have a good relationship with his family. Is it normal to feel guilty like this?
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Hi hun
this is totally normal, but u have to think of yourself not him, he broke the relationship down, dont waste energy thinking about how he will cope, focus on yourself and see what support is availble, sometime sthey make fake promises to move out just to test us, so becareful as they soon change when they realisae we are going, do not fall for the give me one more chance , hope u have a friend or family who is with u or u are updating someone on your moves
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Hey there, remember they have programmed us to feel sorry for them. That’s how they control us. They play on our emotions. It’s just playing mind games. Abuse always gets worse. Also remember they are liars. Do not believe a word he says. I felt sorry for my ex and all the time he was cheating and stealing money from behind my back. He is not the person you think he is!
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Well done. There is a book called ‘Living with the Dominator’ by Pat Craven. WA gave me a copy and I would highly recommend it. Stay strong. The biggest shock for me was when I accepted that the abuse is pre planned. Not spontaneous anger. For me it only happened when the door was closed with no witnesses. They are so manipulating.
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He’s starting to play games. He’s showing no sogns of moving out so I told him (detail removed by moderator) that I will be moving to my parents house at the weekend until I find a place of my own – this is in a different town but only about a (detail removed by moderator) min drive but will mean I will have to change my child’s school. Anyway he is saying that its all my decisions amd everything is on me. He said that if I go there he wont come to see our daughter – I know this is a tactic to make me stay but he’s getting into my head and making me doubt my decisions. I just wish he would be reasonable and discuss things properly.
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Yes, he is playing games with you. Messing with you and watching the impact it has on you gives him immense satisfaction. If you weren’t so scared of him and what he’s saying you’d see it on his face.
No. i didn’t think he’d move out either. He was being reasonable and acting normal because he knew that would mess with your mind.
Why do you need to tell him that you’re moving out? You feel like you should do the decent thing. He’s not decent, he can ACT as if he is but if he was a decent man why would you even contemplate leaving him?
He will come and see your daughter, that’s the perfect time to continue the abuse! When he’s saying he won’t do this or you won’t be able to do that he’s manipulating you into staying. My abuser did exactly that when (this is very recent) he was packing his stuff. I was crying at the time and didn’t say anything to any of it, which is the best thing to do. I saw it as him manipulating me into saying he could stay. He wasn’t saying anything about his abuse of me – the very reason I told him to go – If he had things would have been different.
You said you know this is a tactic to make you stay but he’s getting into your head and making you doubt your decisions? Yes, it is a tactic. One he’s tried and tested over the years and knows will work!
You wish he would be reasonable and discuss things properly? We all do but he isn’t reasonable and when you discuss his abuse he justifies it and turns it around to you being in the wrong and you end up comforting him or saying you’re sorry. Then you are left feeling bewildered but knowing that something is very wrong in what happened.
He suspected that you may leave earlier and was there to prevent it. Don’t tell him that you’re leaving! Let him believe that you are staying or tell him that actually he is the one who has to leave then arrange a day when someone can come and collect you and all your stuff. Pay a removal company if you have to and yes, take his money but deny any knowledge of it!
Your argument today was, in his eyes, your fault so, yes, you will feel guilty. He didn’t see what you were trying to say did he? He didn’t get it, won’t ever get it, whatever you do to try to make him get it he’s never going to because in his eyes, he’s not at fault – you are! This is the part that you now have to get! When you realise that he’s never going to change, there’s nothing you can say or do to change him it will become easier.
Until you leave watch his expressions and listen to what he’s saying first before reacting. You will see him feign disbelief that he could actually be capable of what you’re saying. He will justify his abuse of you. He will steer the conversation away from your complaint and around to how you should feel guilty. When he’s shouting at you he’s not angry he’s in complete control of the situation and is ensuring he will get out of it without answering your question. Once he’s steered the conversation away from the subject you’ve then missed how he’s not actually answered your original complaint. And then he leaves you feeling guilty. He’s just done that this time, hasn’t he? You don’t know whether he’s been facebooking other people because he’s neither denied or answered it.
How is he feeling after that same confrontation? Is he feeling guilty? No, because he’s not at fault you are!
Of course he wants another baby. It’s another way to trap you. And he’s also just told you that you do not have the right to make that decision! Is that what reasonable people do when you say you don’t want another baby, they listen to you and then respect that decision. He has no respect for you and doesn’t see that you have any right to have any say in what happens to your body.
He’s just threatened you with telling you he’s going to divorce you to stop you leaving him. And he won’t be splitting anything down the middle because i’ve yet to hear of an abuser ever having done so before. They like the game they are playing when it comes to divorce. Take everything you can now because he’ll ensure you are left with nothing!
You feel so confused and feel so guilty about everything because he’s made you feel that, he’s conditioned you to feel that. Abusers see us as their puppets on strings to play with. If he pulls that string then we’ll do that and if he pulls this one then we’ll do that
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HI HUn
Dont fall for that emotional trick, thats his choice then and is doing u a favour, i had a feeling he wouldnt move out, if some one can collect u thats better so he doesnt make it difficult for u to leave on weekend, his trying to using tatics to make u feel scared, there is a lot of support out there and iots actually easier to raise children without them. just stick to your decision, make sure u take all your important documents and your child special toys in case he decides not to to return anything to u after
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He’s not going anywhere and you’re not going to make him be reasonable. I wasted so much time waiting for his reasonable side to appear. Then I realised it only appeared when he was getting what he wanted! Please stop communicating with him. Get important paperwork somewhere safe. Marriage cert. Passports, bank account details etc. Don’t leave when he’s about. Go before the weekend when he’s out of the way. Make sure you see a solicitor asap. I cannot stress enough that these men are never reasonable and you won’t get any closure from him. Time to look after yourself.
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You’re right I need to stop speaking to him because everytime I do he puts doubts in my head.
Ive packed up important and sentimental stuff today and hid it. My friend is going to pop over tomorrow while he’s out and take it for me.
Then I think I will just collect my daughter from school on friday and go.
He keeps some cash savings in the house – can I take some and tell him Im entitled to it because Im not taking anything else? – im not interested in getting half of everything I just want enough to get started.
Did you all go back for the rest of your stuff or just leave it?
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Hey there. Take what you can because he won’t allow you back and if he does he will make sure he’s there. You don’t want to leave anything that you will need to go back for. This can be dangerous and causes huge anxiety. As for the money, if you need it then I would take it. Tell no one. It’s his word against yours. You won’t get the chance again. It’s for your child. It’s your decision but I tried to be honest and discovered he’d been hiding thousands from me. I’ve posted before about something that sticks with me: arguing with an abuser is like playing chess with a pidgeon, even when they lose, they knock the pieces over, sh*t on the board and strut about like they’ve won! Don’t engage, don’t listen to a word he says and don’t let him know when you’re leaving. These men are most dangerous when they lose control of us. Take care and please see a solicitor asap X knowledge is power…
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Hi Trappedandtired,
Please be careful, leaving a relationship can be a dangerous time. It would be great if you could find a safe time to call the helpline and please leave as soon as you can, preferably when he is not expecting you to go and please try not to return for anything. The helpline can help you and the police may be helpful too. We are all here for you. Well done for being brave.
Best wishes,
Lisa
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I had to cancel my friend collecting the stuff because he was in and out the house all day. And to be homest I felt like I was losing my nerve.
Today we had a big argument about it again. He makes me feel like everything is my fault, I just cant cope with the guilt of everything.
The reason it all came to a head over the last few weeks is because I wont have another baby. I had a bad pregnancy before And I dont want to go through it again. He says Im a selfish b***h and that he will only accept my decison if a dr tells us both that I shouldn’t have another one. – Is he right on this, I can no longer judge it clearly.
Anyway today we wnt over it all again – and I also asked him if he’s been messaging girls facebook (as I have seen something which suggested he did) he kicked off shouting etc and walked out.
He just called to say we are getting a divorce and will split everything down the middle, he said that my daughter should stay at her school so he will pay towards a house nearby and not to go to my mums.
Im so confused And feel so guilty about everything.
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No contact is the only way to deal with him. Many abusers get their victims pregnant multiple times so they become dependent on them even more. Don’t fall for that. He should respect your decision. My ex got me pregnant very quickly then used our son for years to prevent me from leaving. Any contact with this man is going to confuse you further. Don’t believe a word he says. Decide what you want and stick to it. Ring the helpline and find your local women’s aid for support. Once an abuser, always and abuser. It will only get worse.
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