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Reading Lundys why does he do that I’ve started to realise that his control also stretches to the bedroom. He would constantly demand sex. I would manage a couple of days of saying no, before his temper would start to really simmer & I would relent coz the rage just wasn’t worth it. It was always very aggressive. He would choke me (hand around my throat ) & pull my hair. He pulled my hair so hard that when I went to the hairdresser she said my hairline had receded half an inch. He really got off on me saying ouch when he yanked it. I have problems with my neck & this has made it a lot worse. Am I being dramatic? I would often have bruises the following day. He’s a big bloke & likes to be in control in the bedroom. He watches loads of porn but I thought this was normal? I have gotten stronger since we moved out. I’ve only had sex with him once in (detail removed by Moderator) months. He was extra aggressive & it was really uncomfortable so I haven’t relented again. He asked me if I enjoyed it, I said what do you think? You could see it was hurting me but you didn’t stop. He seemed genuinely shocked by this. It wasn’t rape, but I’m confused by reading the book that this is a common pattern with abusers. He constantly goes on about how he wants the old me back, this is all because I won’t have sex with him. He once got too carried away when he twisted my arm up my back, I thought he had broken it but when he let go it was just sore. I’m finding all of this really weird. Is it sexual coercion? I know I only did it to keep the peace but feel a bit confused reading his patterns in Lundys book.
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That sounds horrific. Absolutely it’s sexual abuse and potentially rape. Phone the rape crisis helpline. They were fantastic. Love making should be consensual with both parties enjoying it. In the beginning of my relationship, it was exactly that, we both enjoyed sex. But as our relationship went on and my son was born and his abuse got worse. I didn’t want to have sex with him. So the threatening, controlling, begging, blackmailing, guilt tripping etc began. Eventually he would just help himself. The choking is a criminal offence in itself. Causing you injuries. We minimise this behaviour as it creeps up. Mine used to touch me very roughly in a certain place and I would tell him to stop. He did. But the next time he went straight for that place he knew I didn’t like. He also had a smirk on his face after. A spring in his step when I lay there feeling worthless and depressed. You’re right never to get in a bed with that man. I’d be working on total no contact too x I hope you understand that this is not your fault and no reflection on you. Everyone is accountable for their own behaviour x
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Dear Moogie,
Yes this that you describe is sexual abuse.
You don’t want sex because he has no consideration for your needs only satisfying his own. It is not any fault or flaw of yours.
He demands it as his right and/or makes you feel less of a wife and uncaring for not wanting sex. This is coercion yes. This is emotional abuse yes.
If you ask for sex to stop at any point for whatever reason, and the man continues this is against your wishes and is in fact rape. I know we feel we can’t expect a man in a state of arousal to stop part way through but a good caring man is capable of stopping and will do so.
Even my controlling and abusive ex was capable of stopping and I knew if I said stop he would. Even though he didn’t know my previous ex had raped me in this context it is a line I was confident he wouldn’t cross. But he was coercive in that I felt guilty for not satisfying his needs because he acted like it was rejection that was damaging to his emotional wellbeing. -
Dear Moogie, your post made me feel sick and horrified, its all totally wrong. X*X
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I never told him to stop. If he really hurt me I would’ve said stop. In the beginning the sex was amazing but after we moved in with him it became a way to sooth his temper. My hair still hasn’t grown back but it’s getting there. He is very highly sexed & was horrid if he didn’t get his way. It was my daughter that would bare the brunt of his temper so I wouldn’t let it get that far. Since we moved out I don’t have to give in, I don’t have to suffer the temper as I don’t live with him anymore. He has been less controlling since we moved out & I haven’t allowed him to control me the way he did. He still tries to make everything sexual, even when he doesn’t he will point out that he had the opportunity but didn’t, kind of aren’t I good mentality. He always talks about how sexy I am & coz I wear leggings he frequently remarked that he can see my box then makes reference to all the men in public that can. I wear them coz I feel comfortable in them, not to impress men! It’s hard coz he’s been so much better since I moved out. I should never have bought in to his lies. I want to change, I’m going for therapy etc. That was many months ago & he never has. I know now that he won’t ever change, but breaking away is harder now coz he’s better than he was.
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He stays at mine once a week. I find myself wearing clothes that won’t “start him off” like joggers or loose pants just coz I can’t be bothered with the groping etc. He’s always trying to cop a feel, even if he asks & I say no he does it anyway but makes a joke out of it saying he has to have his fix or words to that effect. I will never sleep with him again but if I told him this he would go ballistic!
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My ex would lay back, hands behind head and not try it on, but expect me to initiate it. He hardly ever tried it on, after he had initially got me during the love bombing stage. He acted like an arrogant king and i was his servant the way that he would just lay there contentedly waiting. It made me feel needy and weak. In the bedroom you should feel love, true connection, true desire, the opposite of needy, weak, controlled & fear. There is a post on here from before, I think its called examples of sexual abuse, you may find this helpful. X*X
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Thanks itshisproblem I will have a look! He always used to have a go at me coz I never initiated sex. That’s coz I didn’t really want it. He would be simmering with rage all day then as soon as he got into bed he would switch & expect to be serviced!!! I stopped doing this when I moved out though. It’s a lot easier to say no when I don’t have to live day in & day out with his rage.
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