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Do you think that my husband is abusing me?
I have been married for (detail removed by moderator) years, living with him for (detail removed by moderator) (he is not from the UK- we had to wait to for him to qualify for the UK visa immigration process to come and live over here), and we were dating long-distance for some time before that. (Note – we do not have any children, and definitely not planning to have any with him).
About (detail removed by moderator) years ago, I started feeling like something was wrong in our relationship. I realised that I was starting to stay at work later and later every evening, putting off going home, I became aware of the constant feeling of dread in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about going home. I felt like I was going crazy. I still feel like I am going crazy.
We used to be so happy, he used to be kind and caring. But when he is rarely kind to me now, it’s because he wants something from me; I know it is never going to last for long and that it’s just a matter of time before he explodes at me again. I feel so trapped and isolated. I feel like a prisoner.
A few weeks ago, I started writing down and recording all of the negative interactions that I had with him, that felt deeply wrong somehow. I keep re-reading the list I have made so I don’t forget, so that I can gather the courage to tell my family and ask for help and leave him. And as the weeks have gone on, I have begun remembering more and more things that he has said to me, arguments we have had, his repetitive criticisms… this isn’t everything, they are just the incidents that stand out most:
(Detail removed by moderator).
He makes me feel unattractive and useless, he tells me that I am so fat and don’t take care of myself, then when I try to exercise he gets angry at me, tells me that the gym is too expensive (even though I earn twice as much as him and he spends all of our money on gym equipment for him and a ridiculously expensive car he couldn’t afford to pay for on his own), that my classes are s**t and won’t help me, or that I am doing it at the wrong time of day & that I have to do it at another time when it is convenient for him, except it never is convenient for him. He tells me I have a big belly and pokes me, and I hate it. He has called me a big fat whale before.
He criticises everything I eat. He tells me that everything I eat is s**t, and that I never eat “proper” meals (detail removed by moderator). When I have tried to eat more healthily or to even just get in the kitchen and cook in general he either criticises everything I am doing & tries to take over, or he tells me I am in the way / or instructs me to do chop the vegetables somewhere else & to not make a mess & to clear things away in the middle of cooking when I haven’t even finished using the utensils I have out, & he especially gets angry at me for not washing up utensils within a millisecond of finishing with them, or he insults the recipe I have chosen and calls it s**t food, or he just loses his temper completely & kicks me out of the kitchen entirely. He does this all the while telling me it’s because he cares about me and wants me to take better care of myself. I feel so tired. I have never had the best relationship with food. At the moment I am surviving on the easiest (and ironically, unhealthiest) meal options like bread and cereal, so I don’t have to get into an argument with him about cooking. I feel like I would do anything to avoid another one of his explosions.
Sometimes, when I don’t understand what he says (he has a heavy accent) and I ask him politely to repeat, his expression changes to anger and he repeats at 10 x the original volume in a patronising, angry tone. When I ask him to stop shouting he defaults to “I’m not shouting, this isn’t f**king shouting, do you want me to shout at you for f**king real?!”. He often demands that I switch language (we are bilingual) – but it is never consistent; sometimes he’s angry because I speak in his language, other times because I speak English. He has different rules for different situations and contexts but he always changes them and then always has an explosive tantrum when I get it “wrong”. I feel like he enjoys punishing me.
(Detail removed by moderator). He often gets angry and controlling when I don’t respond to a call or text, always demands to know where I am all the time, he gets so suspicious and paranoid and interrogates me. (Detail removed by moderator). He gets angry at me for wanting to spend time without him – whether it is with family or friends, so I always invite him along to anything that is planned, but he hates all of the ideas that they have for activities, he says they are a stupid way to spend time, and that they’re too expensive, that my friends are terrible, and he always ends up saying that if he “can’t go”, then I can’t go either.
He often puts his hand up to cut me off mid-sentence, like – talk to the hand, it is so so rude, it’s not just a gentle gesture; it feels so angry, aggressive & intimidating. He often says – don’t interrupt me when I am talking – no I am talking, shut up,- he gets very angry, he shouts & he cuts me off mid-sentence- which is a total double standard.
When he is angry in the car, he drives dangerously, overtakes other cars aggressively, he does it approaching blind corners, he is completely reckless, he knows it terrifies me and upsets me but if he is in a bad mood he will carry on anyway with me in the car. I hate even getting into the same car with him – it is an invitation for criticism from him. (Detail removed by moderator).
When I first got offered my current job I was so so happy as the job I had before was really stressing me out, I had no friends there, and I was desperate to leave. When I got the news, I cried with happiness, I was so relieved. However, when I shared the news with him, instead of celebrating and supporting me, he actually said, “but are you sure you want to leave? Why don’t you just stay? It’s easier surely to just stay. Why bother moving? It’s a lot of change and probably not worth it”. It’s only now, looking back, that I really see how twisted this was. I think that he wanted me to stay because it meant I would be distracted with the misery of working there, and easier for him to control. I left my old job of course – and I am so glad that I moved to my current job.
He tells me that I am lazy and that I want an easy life (despite me working 2 jobs (6 days a week) for 2 whole years, in order to support us while he was in and out of work). When he tells me this, he always grits his teeth and gives me a horrible sneer and tells me that I have such a good life. He spits the words at me with anger and hate and fury in his eyes. I have told him that I hate when he does that, but in spite of this he still does it repeatedly.
If I ever tell him that I feel ill, his standard response is along the lines of – yea actually I feel ill too, and I feel way worse than whatever you are feeling. He always demands that I give him massages, and then when I ask for the favour in return he tells me that he is too tired, or that I “smell”, or that I don’t work hard enough to get this treatment – he always has some excuse.
Every interaction with him lately feels like a huge, angry, confusing, aggressive attack on me. Half the time he will shout about random things – other drivers on the road, his work, something on the TV etc. – things that are not related to me, but he chooses to get angry about them and shout aggressively about them in my presence. I always feel like he is trying to make me feel guilty about those things – even though I have nothing to do with them, if that makes sense? Then sometimes, he gets angry with me directly. And he doesn’t hold back. These are some of the things I remember him shouting at me the most over the years; he repeats these over and over:
*Shut up
*You’re talking s**t
*Don’t talk to me, just stop talking
*This isn’t shouting, you don’t want to hear me shout for real, do you want me to shout at you for real, huh?! Are you going to make me shout at you for real?!
*You don’t want to see me really get angry at you
*F**king do something
*You never do anything
*You haven’t done f**k all
*I work harder than you do
*I suffer more than you doWhile he has never been violent to me, I am worried about him escalating to violence. He has implied before that I am lucky he doesn’t hit me, that I should be grateful, because many husbands do hit their wives. I remember one time, we were talking about having kids, and he said (detail removed by moderator). I guess at the time, I was so shocked by his comment, that I didn’t really digest it, and I ignored it. I guess it is easier to bury my head in the sand than to face what is happening. Also, I think in some way, because a lot of his outbursts have been in his language, the words feel somehow removed from me – I have to focus my energy on translating the meaning behind his words and trying to understand him, and not necessarily feeling the full force of those words, as I maybe would have, had he said them in English – my first language.
I cannot stand his behaviour any more I have had enough, I need to get out, I am scared of him, I am always walking on eggshells, I am so tired. So drained. Empty. Exhausted. I feel so hopeless. I feel so alone. I try to not talk to him anymore, about anything, apart from polite, shallow small talk. I just listen and nod to whatever he says. He of course still gets angry, but nowhere near as much as when I am totally open and share my true self. I feel like an empty shell of who I used to be. But not talking is better than accidentally provoking one of his explosions. Nothing I can do will ever be right, and nothing will ever be good enough for him.
I haven’t told anyone what is happening to me. (From the start of our relationship, I guess he “trained” me to not talk about anything in our relationship with anyone else for “privacy” and “loyalty”). I am worried about telling my family because I don’t know if they will understand, they are devout evangelical Christians who believe devotedly in the sanctity of marriage, and I am unsure if they will take me seriously, but I don’t feel like I have a choice any longer, I really don’t know where to begin or how to move forward 🙁
Is this more than just bad behaviour? Do you think this is abuse?
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