Is this abuse

[Desert@orchid]

Hi. I’m at a loss at where to turn. I have quite a long story to tell and I’m still trying to come to terms with everything that has happened over the past couple of years some of which is my fault if I’m honest.
Around (detail removed by moderator) years ago I had a massive panic attack (detail removed by moderator).  From this a string of events occurred. I realised I was suffering with anxiety and so was prescribed sertraline ( the first time ever I was put on antidepressants) it helped massively at first and my anxiety eased. I however became quite manic and (detail removed by moderator) I am so ashamed to say I had an emotional affair. I still can’t get my head around why I did this but for me it was a massive wake up call In realising things weren’t right in my marriage and I wasnt happy and had fallen out of love with my husband. He found out and I broke all ties with the guy and also came off sertraline. I realised just something wasnt right in my marriage and I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Afterwards my husband changed in that he would start buying flowers (something he’d never done) doing chores around the house and (detail removed by moderator). I didn’t feel he emotionally supported me however and two times that year he mocked me when I was crying in distress for being so depressed. He monitored my movements digitally and checked my phone and iPad regularly. I completely understand he would be paranoid after what happened and insecure which in one way I can’t blame. However this is something that he had always done but not to the extent that he after what happened. A few things he had said over the years I finally confronted him with. For example one time he said “if you ever let yourself go, you know I will leave you” and often put me down like saying “what are you doing” “ why are you acting stupid when your not” and “ I’m the intelligent one in the relationship” but he could be the nicest person too which is hard to get my head around. When I said about these things he said your sensitive, your memory is bad, it was only a joke. Typical gaslighting. I became so down in the end and knew I had to leave as thought I was heading somewhere very dark. The thing is we have two teenage children and the day I left I said I can’t leave because of them. He said (detail removed by moderator). I haven’t seen them properly for over a year and it breaks my heart. My husband has said they have no interest in seeing me and that I broke three Hearts that day I left. I have kept saying I never left them, just our relationship. I dropped (detail removed by moderator) and saw my son. It was amazing and we had five minutes together as my husband was out. I didn’t feel the hate that has been conveyed to me by my husband. I had a email later from him saying (detail removed by moderator). +-Since leaving I’ve found most of my family and friends didn’t like the way he was with me, thought he controlled me, put me down and could never get me on my own without him being present. He was never ever physical and neither was he continually abusive, but the way he’s acted since I’ve left I’ve seen the worst side to him and it’s completely shocked me. I feel like I was oblivious to what was going on for years but like I said he wasn’t continually horrible and could be really complimentary but then contradict himself by saying something hurtful. I can’t remember a lot of our relationship which is so frustrating but remember other aspects of my life. He also mentioned how no one will ever love you like I do, and that you don’t have your own identity in a relationship but are one person which was a major red flag to me. I just feel so stupid and helpless. I feel like he is still controlling me mentally in a way and the thought of seeing him scares me, or rather it’s scares me how he will make me feel. I just don’t know if this is emotional abuse many people have said it is. The thing is I feel a lot of this I’ve brought on myself because of my affair but also realise things weren’t right for a long time before. I’m no way making excuses for what I did but I know I wasn’t happy and it’s something I’ve never ever contemplated before so not sure why I did it still. I just remember feeling like I wanted to reach out to somebody I think and did in the worst possible way.

[Twisted Sister]

Hi Desert@orchid

I am sorry for your experience of your marriage. The panic attacks really are your body/mind telling the truth of your life at the time. I recall a close relative telling me about her panic attacks some years ago now, and it turned out she hadn’t realised how abusive her relationship was.

You have taken responsibility for the emotional affair, but what you describe of his behaviour sounds nothing like love, and regardless of how nice or kind at other times, he has the capacity to be this extremely controlling of you and your children, and all the while painting himself to be some kind of hero telling everyone (detail removed by moderator) and you barely ever see your children again. This must be devastating for you. There are so many abusive men who see their children more frequently than you do yours!

It can be super hard to see that you are suffering abuse, because of all the gaslighting and manipulation, not only don’t you trust your own mind, but it can also be so hard to realise that this person you love is actually doing this, and many times you will overlook comments/remarks as out of character for him, or he’s stressed, or somesuch.

You really do need to have regular contact with your children, and he cannot stop you. Please do keep talking here about your situation so you can find ways to build yourself back up and gain your strength and knowledge to make this happen, for your own benefit and that of your children.

He cannot just withhold you from your children, or your children from their mother, its extremely harmful to them, and you. That in and of itself is abuse, severe abuse to the children for sure, but also to you.

You could communicate through a solicitor to him with a schedule of visits for them to come to you, at yours mothers, as I am guessing they wont have seen any of your family either?

Gather your support around you and get strong, they are on your side from what you say, and have seen him for who he is. Take advice, legal and for recovery, and keep taking little steps forward.

Do keep posting here and talking through ways around and through to get yourself back, and your children too.

warmest wishes

ts

[Desert@orchid]

Thanks you so much for your reply @Twisted sister. Thankyou for sharing your story of your relative. This sounds like my situation although it wasn’t something I’d even considered at the time. In fact I remember thinking he was being really supportive at the time. It’s so hard to come to terms with what’s happened. I feel like I’ve always had to protect him and make excuses for the ways he’s acted in the past. I hardly ever confronted him but feel I was subconsciously aware something wasn’t right. I remember saying on numerous occasions I’d never speak to you the way you speak to me, but can’t remember why I said these things. Like my memory has blocked things out. I sometimes remember thinking how lucky I was to have someone who loved me so much,yet now I look back he often showed the opposite. I think I will need counselling to overcome this as feel so emotionally unsettled, paranoid. I miss my children so much. Nine of my family have seen them, and any kind of interaction without him present just ends up with threats. Legally I’ve been told there’s not a lot I can do because of their age. Going to keep fighting, and want them to know I’m always here for them. I just need to find that strength

Thankyou so much for taking the time to reply

Warm wishes

[Jedi warrior]

Hi wanted to reach out and tell you I can relate to how you are feeling my own marriage ended in a a similar way to yours!I too had an emotional affair and ex found out by following me ..I had already gone to councilling as like you I was suffering anxiety depression and knew that something was very wrong with my long marriage ..I know now that it was controlling in a sexual waway .I also had to leave due to his behaviour escalating as you say to the point that I can’tbeleive what I tolerated monertered me by checking what I was doing on my phone too checking my messages thought he had every right It’s not our fault and is taking me a long time to come to terms with the outcome ..one of my grown up children lives with ex husband both my children don’t have a lot to do with me as my ex blames me for breaking family up and they do too .I am trying to rebuild my life now its hard done a local programme on abuse and can finally say I’m a survivor my kids know there were problems and it’s so hard because obviously they don’t know how it can make you feel 😔 living with abuse I’m hoping to get some family councilling with them to have a relationship..take care you will get there it’s just such an emotional rollacoaster but I do not miss my marriage .

[Desert@orchid]

Hello Jedi warrior
Thankyou so much for sharing your story with me. It’s sounds like we’ve been through such similar things. I felt so guilty for what I did, but it gave me such a wake up call in that I wasn’t happy in my marriage I just didn’t realise. I could understand how he would be insecure but he thought it was his right to monitor where I was, who I was talking to. He had always known all my passwords so would often just snatch my phone when I was on it. I can understand my children as the picture he’s painted of me isn’t good and to them I would seem like a bad person. I bet however he has never told them things he’s said to me. My daughter did say once “do you like the way dad speaks to you” I even then just made excuses for him. One thing he once said to me I would feel ashamed to even say on here as was so derogatory and that day I felt like I wasn’t his wife. When I confronted him recently he just said it was a joke and you’ve always been so sensitive. I’m just trying to gather all the strength I have to fight. It’s meant so much the reply’s I’ve had already, as have convinced myself many a time that I’m a bad person. Just need to find a way of reaching them without him being o
Present. Think I will have to get some impartial support. Like you I thought I would regret the decision of leaving and that I would never manage without him. It’s been the opposite it’s really opened my eyes more. You don’t see it when your in it.
Thankyou again so much for your support and kind words. We are not alone
Best wishes

[Hazydayz]

💕

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