Is this abuse

[Ellen]

I’ve been silently reading this group for a long time, now I think it’s my time to post

I’ve been with my husband (number removed by Moderator) years we have known each other (timeframe removed by Moderator)

the same as so many thins ha I’ve read it all started off great but the red flags were there

not helping with household chores, causing arguments when I approached him about it, not helping financially again arguments when I approached him about it

constant let downs, promises never kept

the real problems started (number removed by Moderator) years ago when I stopped making excuses for him and took a step back and watched the patterns forming

he’d promise to help- it would last at 1st (timeframe removed by Moderator) now it’s barely even (timeframe removed by Moderator).
Every time I try to talk about how he’s making me feel it always gets reverted back to how he’s in happy, how his brain dosnt work like mine

I’ve told him I don’t love him so many times he dosnt believe me,

he’ll walk out and return in middle of the night and when he chooses to leave that’s ok. But when I ask him to leave he either refuses or the new one is to have a panic attack.
He dos help with the bills now but if I need anymore help or support it either gets ignored or it’s left until debt letters come, and then he’ll help but it’s my fault because I didn’t sort it out sooner. And when he dos help extra i constantly get reminded of it.

he never has any “free” time for me which also causes arguments and the free time is never found, unless I tell him we’re done and then for (timeframe removed by Moderator) he has all the time in world for me

 

I am mentally broken by it all I just want it all to end.
am I married to (detail removed by Moderator) an abuser or are we just toxic

[EvenSerpentsShine]

It’s really difficult for others to make that judgement for you based on a tiny snapshot of your relationship, but I would say that you didn’t notice these things for no reason, and most people in healthy relationships wouldn’t end up reading a domestic abuse survivor forum, so you must have really serious worries yourself about this marriage.

What I can say from reading your post is that he seems to be working on the theory that he’ll grind you down eventually. That’s just my instinct about it. And he probably will.

Its brilliant that you’ve taken a step back and are observing what’s happening, personally I think that shows a healthy self preservation.
If you can say openly to him that you don’t love him, and he doesn’t really react to that, do you think that your marriage is  built on strong foundations?, whether it’s labelked ‘abusive’ or ‘toxic’ or anything else.

[Author]

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